How do I tell my sister she's the problem?

[Anonymous]

My sister is going through it and has spent a lot of time calling, complaining, etc. She is a pretty negative person and it's fairly consistent. She complains about her husband, she complains about the demands of her kids, she complains about working, she complained when she was home with small kids, she complained that her husband didn't want her to be home full time because he didn't think it was a good fit, etc.

She has anxiety and ADHD in attentive, I think. She refuses help for both. No to medication. No to therapy.

Her kids are teenagers now and they....don't like her? They avoid her, prefer dad (because in her words "he's a 'effin bus diver to all of their activities, they are so overscheduled, we can't even eat dinner together."). She won't let them have friends over because their house is a mess...which isn't really true. I mean, it's a house and they have weekly cleaners, and yes, people live there but it's not a hoarder house like she makes it sound.

Her kids are good kids. They seem to work hard, get good grades, do activities, seem nice whenever I see them, etc. Her husband does...a lot. He works remotely so he's the one doing driving and stuff but he's just seems like the kids go to. From my time with their family (I live in the same area and we get together regularly), they basically all work around my sister's dark cloud.

How do I gently explain...she's the problem here. If everyone is avoiding you and working around your moods, it might be you who might need to adjust to bring them back into your orbit?

[Anonymous]

If someone has already approached her about getting a diagnosis/therapy and medication, and she's refused, then why do you think your talking to her will do any good?

TBH, YOU may be part of the problem. At least in how you are viewing someone else's marriage/family from the outside.

Here's why: Your entire post makes it seem like you are heaping it all on your sister and making your BIL and the kids seem like they are all "perfect."

I feel sorry for your sister. She is calling you up when she's down and you are looking for ways to further step on her.

You seem like you may be getting between her and her husband in a passive aggressive way.

Do you have designs on your BIL? Are you jealous of your sister?

[Anonymous]

You're going to have to be blunt here, OP, for the sake of her family. The husband might very well be biding his time until his kids leave for college before divorcing. It sounds like your sister is depressed. Inattentive ADHD and anxiety are all very well, but the way she talks, that's the depression talking. She needs meds for it and therapy, and you have to insist.

[Anonymous]

Directness is the way to go. "Everyone is happy but you. You have the problem here, not anyone else."

[Anonymous]

Wow that’s not the way I read her post at all. I have someone in my family like her sister. It’s no walk in the park.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to explain anything. She's venting to you not asking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Just be frank. People need to hear honesty, not a bunch of "it'll be okay" blather. Because, at this point, it's not going to be okay. She's at the do or die phase of life.

[Anonymous]

She's an adult.. and complaining about her own life....

I wouldn't advise her of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is going through it and has spent a lot of time calling, complaining, etc. She is a pretty negative person and it's fairly consistent. She complains about her husband, she complains about the demands of her kids, she complains about working, she complained when she was home with small kids, she complained that her husband didn't want her to be home full time because he didn't think it was a good fit, etc.

She has anxiety and ADHD in attentive, I think. She refuses help for both. No to medication. No to therapy.

Her kids are teenagers now and they....don't like her? They avoid her, prefer dad (because in her words "he's a 'effin bus diver to all of their activities, they are so overscheduled, we can't even eat dinner together."). She won't let them have friends over because their house is a mess...which isn't really true. I mean, it's a house and they have weekly cleaners, and yes, people live there but it's not a hoarder house like she makes it sound.

Her kids are good kids. They seem to work hard, get good grades, do activities, seem nice whenever I see them, etc. Her husband does...a lot. He works remotely so he's the one doing driving and stuff but he's just seems like the kids go to. From my time with their family (I live in the same area and we get together regularly), they basically all work around my sister's dark cloud.

How do I gently explain...she's the problem here. If everyone is avoiding you and working around your moods, it might be you who might need to adjust to bring them back into your orbit?

If it were my sister I'd just say it. "Larla, I'm far from perfect. But if I'm hearing you right - your family is walking on eggshells around you, and that must suck for them. Are you ok? You seem like Eeyore lately, everything is terrible. Maybe talking to a professional would help."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone has already approached her about getting a diagnosis/therapy and medication, and she's refused, then why do you think your talking to her will do any good?

TBH, YOU may be part of the problem. At least in how you are viewing someone else's marriage/family from the outside.

Here's why: Your entire post makes it seem like you are heaping it all on your sister and making your BIL and the kids seem like they are all "perfect."

I feel sorry for your sister. She is calling you up when she's down and you are looking for ways to further step on her.

You seem like you may be getting between her and her husband in a passive aggressive way.

Do you have designs on your BIL? Are you jealous of your sister?

OP here. I absolutely love my sister. She's a good person. And I have been a sounding board for years. I'm a good listener and I really try my best to not be judgmental but the last dumping session on the phone sort of turned my mind. I just feel different?

I think her family is normal like mine. I think her kids are good kids but normal. Like mine. I think her husband -- from what I see and everything she told me (and it's a lot) -- is basically someone trying their best who loves them but has sort of given up on trying to make them happy. She's basically told me her entire family has given up on her happiness. This was the ah ha moment and red flag because why has she?

I am terrible at straight talk. I get flustered, but I am going to try to frame it like why aren't you happy with you. The other thoughts are good ones. But there is something about being so bogged down you can't see the forest from the trees.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her questions. For example: What is good in your life? Are you happy/content? When did you last do anything fun with your family? Your spouse? When she has no answers to these questions, ask her what is her plan to improve her situation.

[Anonymous]

You could be direct. But if she’s anything like my sister she’ll get really defensive and bite. You didn’t mention entitled. My sister is very entitled. Wanted to be sahm. Complains about her kids constantly. Goes back to work (no college degree). Now complain in bc about how little she earns and how she Durant have a flexible schedule. She’ll never be happy unless she has zero responsibilities

[Anonymous]

Op here. She literally just hung up on me when I tried to explain she sounds depressed and might need help.

I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. She literally just hung up on me when I tried to explain she sounds depressed and might need help.

I'm at a loss.

Don't be. It was one of many natural and understandable responses your sister could have had. It doesn't mean she didn't hear you, quite the opposite - you crystallized for her what the problem was, and it's so accurate that she can't bear hearing it, because she knows it's true.

Hopefully she will do something about it. Thank you for trying, OP. You did what you could.

[Anonymous]

You are the problem, not her.