How do I tell my sister she's the problem?

[Anonymous]

I have a family member like. It's maddening because all you want to do is shake them and get them to see how they are contributing to the problem. Sometimes, I've found I can ask her questions to help steer her towards changing her behavior a little. Once, when she was venting about her daughter wanting nothing to do with her, I asked her what she thought could be done to change that. Through that, she worked out that maybe she should ease up on X that was causing a lot of tension between them.

[Anonymous]

https://www.drpsychmom.com/couples-meet-couples-counseling-type-1-mr-perfect-crazy-wife/

I would think there's a lot going on that you may be unaware of. And I would stay out of it. It isn't your problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202202/how-does-someone-become-a-familys-identified-patient

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone has already approached her about getting a diagnosis/therapy and medication, and she's refused, then why do you think your talking to her will do any good?

TBH, YOU may be part of the problem. At least in how you are viewing someone else's marriage/family from the outside.

Here's why: Your entire post makes it seem like you are heaping it all on your sister and making your BIL and the kids seem like they are all "perfect."

I feel sorry for your sister. She is calling you up when she's down and you are looking for ways to further step on her.

You seem like you may be getting between her and her husband in a passive aggressive way.

Do you have designs on your BIL? Are you jealous of your sister?

This post went from helpful, to strange, to truly deranged.

PP, you are projecting, a lot. Holy smokes. You may want to think about why.

[Anonymous]

Your sister sounds a lot like my sister. It's exhausting and draining to be around someone so negative, constantly complaining, yet unwilling to help themselves.

My sister was resistant to any advice or suggestions. I responded to her wall-of-text complains minimally, and with short answers. Sometimes not at all. I get that some people LOOOOVEEE to complain, but emotionally dumping on others is not ok.

Set boundaries. Don't try to fix her. Respond minimally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are the problem, not her.

+1000

OP clearly hates her sister. Maybe jealousy, maybe something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the problem, not her.

+1000

OP clearly hates her sister. Maybe jealousy, maybe something else.

Not OP, but I have a sister like OP. Not jealousy. Just tired of being the one that everyone expects to fix their lives for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the problem, not her.

+1000

OP clearly hates her sister. Maybe jealousy, maybe something else.

Ignore the troll. Just reposting again and again to get a rise out of people.

[Anonymous]

Why would you need to tell her anything at all?

[Anonymous]

It is clear from your post that your Sister is suffering from major depression.

Unfortunately if she is against receiving treatment for it (I.e., therapy, meds, etc.) then your hands are pretty much tied.
I think if you tell her directly that SHE is the problem here - there is a strong chance that she will get very defensive.

Would you be willing to risk a possible estrangement w/her over this?
Only you can answer this.

Hoping for the best for you. 🤞🏽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are the problem, not her.

+1000

OP clearly hates her sister. Maybe jealousy, maybe something else.

Unfortunately this is frequently the case and then the hated sister internalizes the role and plays out inferiority in their own life.

[Anonymous]

Whateve you think is right with her life isn’t the issue. There’s something she needs that she didn’t get or isn’t getting.

It could be parental love (was a different sibling the favorite?), it could be money/security, a healthy relationship, a decent neighborhood, the right education, a career, emotional support from the people in her life; but it is something. People whose needs are met don’t feel like everything is lacking.

Probably she had dreams that haven’t panned out that you may know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are the problem, not her.

'

Troll, go away. OP has a legitimate issue here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow that’s not the way I read her post at all. I have someone in my family like her sister. It’s no walk in the park.

+1

I had to distance myself. While I did suggest therapy, I knew they'd never go. They are untreated and will likely remain that way (and very unhappy) for the remainder of their life.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling and mother like this.
I think sibling picked up this dark outlook from my mother.
OP's question is a hard one. A good therapist may guide one to this self awareness but there are lots of bad therapists. And one has to be willing to seek out therapy, meaning the first step is to admit there is knot they need help untying.
For OP, as it is for my mother and sibling, the dark outlook is a normalized part of their lives. They do not see their own agency in their life - it is all the fault of outside forces. And if there is no drama going on, they will make drama no matter the consequences.
I've often thought if they had an acquaintance who trauma dumps on them the way they do to others they might actually self-reflect on how draining it is and how it infects a relationship.