Married with regular virtual sex

[Anonymous]

Bedroom situation is dead and found someone online in similar situation. We have sexting on a regular basis including live video sessions.

Is there a potential downside to it?

No STD, no hidden budget for cheating, no real drama or commitments. The other person and I live in different countries and use fake names.

For the moral police that like to crucify all non-monogamous people, please indicate if sex with spouse and divorce are not an option, what would you do. Maybe pray?

[Anonymous]

I've done something similar so no judgement. Downsides in your case:

1. Your spouse finds out
2. Your AP could blackmail you

[Anonymous]

The downside is you are still cheating and developing a real relationship with someone else, no matter how you spin it or contextualize it. This isn't something where you tripped walking down the street and fell on top a D. You are actively and consistently seeking this.

So I guess it depends on what brand of moral compass you are working with or if you broke it and don’t want to repair it.

[Anonymous]

My husband did that for 3 years. Here were rhe downsides-

-obliterated me
-tore his family apart
-effed the kids up during the divorce
-got blackmailed by the AP to an extreme extend a la Saw level psychological games
-he was suicidal for 2 years
-lost his job
-lost his best friends
-list my entire network who loved him dearly for 15 years
-strained relationship with his parents
-self hatred
-he lives in a tiny 2 bed apartment the kids hate visiting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that for 3 years. Here were rhe downsides-

-obliterated me
-tore his family apart
-effed the kids up during the divorce
-got blackmailed by the AP to an extreme extend a la Saw level psychological games
-he was suicidal for 2 years
-lost his job
-lost his best friends
-list my entire network who loved him dearly for 15 years
-strained relationship with his parents
-self hatred
-he lives in a tiny 2 bed apartment the kids hate visiting

You were “obliterated” because your husband was sexting some woman?

I… don’t know. The punishment does not sound like it fits the crime.

[Anonymous]

1. Other person can and will likely record or save those sexual encounters. Blackmail at best, widely distributed at worst. You get recognized by total strangers.
2. You. Are. Cheating. You could lose everything.
3. You will get caught.
4. Put the same energy into your marriage. Not this “other person” who may be fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that for 3 years. Here were rhe downsides-

-obliterated me
-tore his family apart
-effed the kids up during the divorce
-got blackmailed by the AP to an extreme extend a la Saw level psychological games
-he was suicidal for 2 years
-lost his job
-lost his best friends
-list my entire network who loved him dearly for 15 years
-strained relationship with his parents
-self hatred
-he lives in a tiny 2 bed apartment the kids hate visiting

I guess you should have not made so many excuses to not have sex then, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that for 3 years. Here were rhe downsides-

-obliterated me
-tore his family apart
-effed the kids up during the divorce
-got blackmailed by the AP to an extreme extend a la Saw level psychological games
-he was suicidal for 2 years
-lost his job
-lost his best friends
-list my entire network who loved him dearly for 15 years
-strained relationship with his parents
-self hatred
-he lives in a tiny 2 bed apartment the kids hate visiting

You were “obliterated” because your husband was sexting some woman?

I… don’t know. The punishment does not sound like it fits the crime.

We were having regular sex the entire time.

The amount lying, manipulating, diversion of time resources, endless support I was providng him because he was spiraling/suicidal due to what I did not know was guilt and blackmail. Then after I did find out, she stalked me and our (little) children. It was a horrible 5 year saga I'd wish on no one. It only stopped when I kicked him out and filed. I was *this* close to losing my own sanity and the kids absolutely needed at least one stable parent.

[Anonymous]

You’re going to end up on PH where your kids teacher finds it and the whole school finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that for 3 years. Here were rhe downsides-

-obliterated me
-tore his family apart
-effed the kids up during the divorce
-got blackmailed by the AP to an extreme extend a la Saw level psychological games
-he was suicidal for 2 years
-lost his job
-lost his best friends
-list my entire network who loved him dearly for 15 years
-strained relationship with his parents
-self hatred
-he lives in a tiny 2 bed apartment the kids hate visiting

You were “obliterated” because your husband was sexting some woman?

I… don’t know. The punishment does not sound like it fits the crime.

We were having regular sex the entire time.

The amount lying, manipulating, diversion of time resources, endless support I was providng him because he was spiraling/suicidal due to what I did not know was guilt and blackmail. Then after I did find out, she stalked me and our (little) children. It was a horrible 5 year saga I'd wish on no one. It only stopped when I kicked him out and filed. I was *this* close to losing my own sanity and the kids absolutely needed at least one stable parent.

There’s a difference between your situation (having regular sex) and OP’s (no sex for several years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did that for 3 years. Here were rhe downsides-

-obliterated me
-tore his family apart
-effed the kids up during the divorce
-got blackmailed by the AP to an extreme extend a la Saw level psychological games
-he was suicidal for 2 years
-lost his job
-lost his best friends
-list my entire network who loved him dearly for 15 years
-strained relationship with his parents
-self hatred
-he lives in a tiny 2 bed apartment the kids hate visiting

I guess you should have not made so many excuses to not have sex then, huh?

Looks like the cheaters have found this thread.

[Anonymous]

I did this when my H wasn’t having sex with me.

The upsides:
- I regained self-esteem
- That caused me to start losing weight, dressing better, performing better at work, and getting back into my hobbies/interests.
- I was a better parent
- This all lead H to becoming interested in me again and reignited our sex life.

I did have a lot of resentment after that - how me sacrificing everything for the family made him lose interest, and it was only when I shifted my energy and focus that he saw me as desirable again. Took me a long time to get over that.

The downsides:
- I started fantasizing about leaving H to be with AP, which was unrealistic and I wouldn’t have done, but the fantasy alone scared me
-AP started pushing me heavily to either visit him or let him visit me. Was terrified he would show up at our door.
- When things got better with H, I ended the sex part of the relationship with AP. I was terrified for awhile he would send evidence to H or blackmail me (he didn’t, but the fear was there).

AP wasn’t crazy or anything, just a much younger single guy who thought he loved me. So I was worried what he would do, especially since I told him the bad things about H.

I can’t honestly say I wish I hadn’t done it. I do think it’s an enormous boost to self-esteem and helps you improve. I never would have lost weight and increased my salary if I was doing it because “maybe” H would want sex with me someday.

Just be smart. Don’t have your face in video. If you have tattoos, mole, or anything identifiable, cover them up. If you can, get a separate phone and phone line and hide them well.

[Anonymous]

Do we have an infidelity troll?. Seems like there's someone who likes to make up various scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this when my H wasn’t having sex with me.

The upsides:
- I regained self-esteem
- That caused me to start losing weight, dressing better, performing better at work, and getting back into my hobbies/interests.
- I was a better parent
- This all lead H to becoming interested in me again and reignited our sex life.

I did have a lot of resentment after that - how me sacrificing everything for the family made him lose interest, and it was only when I shifted my energy and focus that he saw me as desirable again. Took me a long time to get over that.

The downsides:
- I started fantasizing about leaving H to be with AP, which was unrealistic and I wouldn’t have done, but the fantasy alone scared me
-AP started pushing me heavily to either visit him or let him visit me. Was terrified he would show up at our door.
- When things got better with H, I ended the sex part of the relationship with AP. I was terrified for awhile he would send evidence to H or blackmail me (he didn’t, but the fear was there).

AP wasn’t crazy or anything, just a much younger single guy who thought he loved me. So I was worried what he would do, especially since I told him the bad things about H.

I can’t honestly say I wish I hadn’t done it. I do think it’s an enormous boost to self-esteem and helps you improve. I never would have lost weight and increased my salary if I was doing it because “maybe” H would want sex with me someday.

Just be smart. Don’t have your face in video. If you have tattoos, mole, or anything identifiable, cover them up. If you can, get a separate phone and phone line and hide them well.

NP. I find this fascinating. How much weight did you lose? And did you lose it by eating less or exercising more? And what hobbies and interests did you do again that you didn’t do before? Why do you think you stopped doing them? And what exactly about the AP made you regain self esteem? Someone saying you’re hot? Or that he thought he loved you? I’m in the gained weight and got unhappy situation and curious about your change and whether I could get it without the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do we have an infidelity troll?. Seems like there's someone who likes to make up various scenarios.

50% of this board is trolls trolling trolls.