How you redistributed the weight of the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Many of the posts here complain about women carrying the energetic load— the mental and emotional , and perhaps also physical weight of the relationship.

I understand there may be outlier relationships that never had this dynamic.

But if in your relationship you had this dynamic that breeds resentment on both sides, and were able to shift it, what has worked?

Yes leaving is always an option but I’m curious what you or your partner did , or what mental/emotional shifts have helped turn the ship around.

If you can please identify your gender in the post and whether it was you or your partner that initially was carrying the weight of the relationship.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Kids grew up, empty nesting happened, pandemic came, work from home era ended commute and decreased travel so life readjusted itself. Also MIL needed assisted living so conflict of her moving in with us ended itself and a weight was lifted off of our shoulders. Its easier to fund her expenses than living with her.

[Anonymous]

Also we both understood it better that in the end, its just two of us taking care of each other. No one else, parents, siblings, kids, friends, colleagues, cousins etc would be putting their lives on side to take care of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the posts here complain about women carrying the energetic load— the mental and emotional , and perhaps also physical weight of the relationship.

I understand there may be outlier relationships that never had this dynamic.

But if in your relationship you had this dynamic that breeds resentment on both sides, and were able to shift it, what has worked?

Yes leaving is always an option but I’m curious what you or your partner did , or what mental/emotional shifts have helped turn the ship around.

If you can please identify your gender in the post and whether it was you or your partner that initially was carrying the weight of the relationship.

Thank you!

Be kind and smart. Find ways to improve your relationship and family life. You need to be happy more and be right less. If you give more in first decade of marital life, you'll receive more in all other decades. If you do tit for tat and grew resentment and contempt for each other, marriage is going to end or become more sour.

[Anonymous]

I had a bad injury and DH had to single-parent for months. He was able to understand how much I did for the family.

[Anonymous]

I started working from the office more so that I'm not the only one who makes breakfasts, lunches, and dinners and does all the dropoffs. I'm even starting to pick a few days a week to leave extra early to work out and then change on the way to work. I'm also ordering out a lot on Doordash from healthy restaurants. The only way I found to get him to share the load was not to be available as much. DH literally never cooks, so he has no right to complain about the cost of takeout.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t back down about the unfairness and unsustainability of it.

I kept asking for help in a nice voice, things like “can you please handle X while I handle y?”

I started having conversations about trivial decisions out loud and asked for help deciding.

I wrote down every task that had to happen to keep our house running and suggested a schedule to distribute fairly and asked for feedback.

I was open and vulnerable about my inability to handle it all and begged for help to avoid a breakdown.

I gently defended the necessity of “unnecessary” things like purchasing children’s clothing at regular intervals and bringing small gifts to the children of relatives when visiting.

It was exhausting and took years, but it did work. I also make a pretty high income and work hard, and I know my spouse did not want me to stop working or work very little, so I think that helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t back down about the unfairness and unsustainability of it.

I kept asking for help in a nice voice, things like “can you please handle X while I handle y?”

I started having conversations about trivial decisions out loud and asked for help deciding.

I wrote down every task that had to happen to keep our house running and suggested a schedule to distribute fairly and asked for feedback.

I was open and vulnerable about my inability to handle it all and begged for help to avoid a breakdown.

I gently defended the necessity of “unnecessary” things like purchasing children’s clothing at regular intervals and bringing small gifts to the children of relatives when visiting.

It was exhausting and took years, but it did work. I also make a pretty high income and work hard, and I know my spouse did not want me to stop working or work very little, so I think that helped.

You sound like a level headed person and it seems your DH isn't a bad person either. Good for you. DCUM doesn't attract people like you who can be good influence on others.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So much good advice here. All well known, but very useful to hear !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t back down about the unfairness and unsustainability of it.

I kept asking for help in a nice voice, things like “can you please handle X while I handle y?”

I started having conversations about trivial decisions out loud and asked for help deciding.

I wrote down every task that had to happen to keep our house running and suggested a schedule to distribute fairly and asked for feedback.

I was open and vulnerable about my inability to handle it all and begged for help to avoid a breakdown.

I gently defended the necessity of “unnecessary” things like purchasing children’s clothing at regular intervals and bringing small gifts to the children of relatives when visiting.

It was exhausting and took years, but it did work. I also make a pretty high income and work hard, and I know my spouse did not want me to stop working or work very little, so I think that helped.

+1 (and, also believe it shouldn't be this much work, but it is)

[Anonymous]

Complete division of responsibilities since I’m a SAHM. I am the queen of the household domain which I like, I’m very type A. We outsource the deep cleaning and lawn care. And I expect my three kids to do chores to help out so it doesn’t all fall on me. We appreciate each other’s differences and contributions to the household. Getting competitive or running tabs on each other is a romance killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t back down about the unfairness and unsustainability of it.

I kept asking for help in a nice voice, things like “can you please handle X while I handle y?”

I started having conversations about trivial decisions out loud and asked for help deciding.

I wrote down every task that had to happen to keep our house running and suggested a schedule to distribute fairly and asked for feedback.

I was open and vulnerable about my inability to handle it all and begged for help to avoid a breakdown.

I gently defended the necessity of “unnecessary” things like purchasing children’s clothing at regular intervals and bringing small gifts to the children of relatives when visiting.

It was exhausting and took years, but it did work. I also make a pretty high income and work hard, and I know my spouse did not want me to stop working or work very little, so I think that helped.

Gifts to children whose houses you visit is really and truly unnecessary. Most of us parents don’t even want you to do that!

[Anonymous]

I worked with a communication coach on how to speak up, have boundaries, and say no.

Example: yesterday I was WFH and H popped in to ask if I wanted him to make me lunch. I said sure. He then kept popping in and out to ask me what I wanted, what we have, do we have XYZ ingredients, etc.

VERY distracting and irritating since I don’t like to be interrupted while working.

I told him that I wanted him to take full ownership of this task and see it through by himself, because if I had to carry the mental burden of stopping work to tell him how to make a lunch, I would rather just order DoorDash or make something myself.

He huffed and said “fine I just won’t make anything” but 10 minutes later walked in with a burger.

He’s fully capable of figuring things out, he just doesn’t when I’m easily accessible and will answer him or help him out. So I just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked with a communication coach on how to speak up, have boundaries, and say no.

Example: yesterday I was WFH and H popped in to ask if I wanted him to make me lunch. I said sure. He then kept popping in and out to ask me what I wanted, what we have, do we have XYZ ingredients, etc.

VERY distracting and irritating since I don’t like to be interrupted while working.

I told him that I wanted him to take full ownership of this task and see it through by himself, because if I had to carry the mental burden of stopping work to tell him how to make a lunch, I would rather just order DoorDash or make something myself.

He huffed and said “fine I just won’t make anything” but 10 minutes later walked in with a burger.

He’s fully capable of figuring things out, he just doesn’t when I’m easily accessible and will answer him or help him out. So I just don’t.

I think we are married to the same man.
OP, I have not perfected this so am learning along with you. Since i earn double what he earns, I started outsourcing a lot and he didn't like that/wanted to save money. He doesn't like it but he doesn't do it so it doesn't get done.

Last week, on the two days he worked from home, I sent him a couple of messages to do three very simple things. He did them. I'm also working late on two of the days when he works from home so he has to make dinner and then I refuse to clean up b/c I'm like a single parent in the morning. He's there...looking at a screen. Not making breakfasts or lunches.

In fact, I think he does less now.

[Anonymous]

My DH was carrying a much heavier load for a few years while I struggled with bad health issues and mental health issues after having Covid. I finally got a concierge doctor who literally figured everything out that my doctor in the past had ignored and I'm so much better -- almost completely better. So things have shifted toward me taking my share of the load. He still handles more than I do, always has, but he's not limping along having to handle 95% of our life.

Things were really rough for awhile and this took a toll on our marriage even though he was very kind and never complained. But we are our happy selves again now. I'll add that we have been together 22 years, and were always a very happy couple before the tough times hit -- I think that context matters.

So for us the shift was because health issues were the reason things were uneven, and then the health issues got fixed. For things to shift, you need a fixable problem. A partner who has just never pulled their weight? Probably not at all fixable.