Anyone else experience regret after a vasectomy?

[Anonymous]

DH had a vasectomy 1 year ago.

I had a traumatic C-section that did not have sufficient anesthesia, I felt all the stitches. I am not eligible for a trial of labor or VBAC, so I would need to have another c-section. I had mastitis 5x and pretty severe PPA. For that reason, I chose not to have another child for fear I would have a similar experience.

I'm 35, and DH is 40. DS is a very happy, healthy, and vibrant 5 year old. I love him so much and feel slightly sad at the finality of it. I wished I had been one of the parents to have a positive birth/post-partum period, but I didn't. I found it all really, really hard. DH left when DS was 10 months old for a 9+ month out-of-state job, and I raised DS pretty much alone with little to no support from my family or his. I'm very sad that my fertility is now gone, and there's no real hope of another baby.

[Anonymous]

Yes, a few years afterwards like you. We were glad to do it at the time but a few years later we both wished we could have had another child. At the time I was overwhelmed with two rambunctious toddlers and the second birth was hard and I didn'tfeel like I wanted to do it again.. A few years later I felt differently. Oh well. We moved on and just loved the two we had. Like many choices, they sometimes have to be mourned. Life isn't over. You may have grandchildren one day. Just focus on having a good relationship with your child. There are lots more adventures and challenges ahead as they grow up which will fill your days, weeks and years. Also find other interests and friends and make space for your own life too. There are also advantages to having fewer children. It's easier in many ways and that can be helpful when life gets hard.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH living with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH living with you?

OP here, yes. He’s home now. He was gone for months at a time for work for 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Nope!

[Anonymous]

Sure. Even though I knew I was done, it still felt so final.

I think it's normal to spend a moment to mourn a path not taken, even if you know it wasn't the right path for you.

If it becomes a regret that you find you can't get past, that's a different story.

[Anonymous]

I had pretty bad pre and post partum depression and definitely look back on pregnancy and the first year of DS' life and wish I could go back and experience it differently. It wasn't that happy joyous time that I wanted it to be and it does make me sad I didn't get to experience it. I don't regret not having another one though because of that. It sounds less like you want another one and more like you're mourning that you never got to experience that "stereotypical happy" part of motherhood.

It's ok to mourn that and I think it's normal to. I think you also have to not look at it with rose colored glasses. A second pregnancy could have been just as bad.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Thought we were two and done. DH had vasectomy (and I said ok) when youngest was about 3 years old. I regretted it for maybe a year or so when she went to kindergarten. I even asked DH if he would undo it and he said no.

Fast forward to the teen years and I am really happy with the two we have and glad we don't have more. They are great and I love them to bits but younger DD is a bit emotionally high maintenance and needy.

Also, everything is SO expensive (extra curriculars, vacations, clothes/shoes, college, etc.) so I'm glad I'm only paying for two kids.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

I have to admit, as a woman, I'd view a man with a vasectomy as less of a man in some way.

Just something very unnatural about doing that.

[Anonymous]

I had a terrible birth experience with my first - I fact although I was conscious, I completely blacked out and have no memory of him being born and some of the traumatic things that occurred in the delivery room. I also got a postpartum infection and he wouldn’t latch - it was rough.

I went on to have two more children and they were each easier experiences. Your fertility isn’t gone at 35 and if you had one more child, it’s possible the second time could be easier.

That said, if one is best for your family, it’s okay to mourn the life you thought you’d had. Some dreams don’t work out. But you could go to therapy to explore if it’s anxiety preventing you from having another or just help you work through it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit, as a woman, I'd view a man with a vasectomy as less of a man in some way.

Just something very unnatural about doing that.

I doubt that OP cares much about whether you think her DH is hot or enough of a man for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit, as a woman, I'd view a man with a vasectomy as less of a man in some way.

Just something very unnatural about doing that.

What exactly do you think is involved in a vasectomy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit, as a woman, I'd view a man with a vasectomy as less of a man in some way.

Just something very unnatural about doing that.

Maga Momma right here.

[Anonymous]

I think wistfulness is normal. And working to appreciate the life and child you have.

Also there are parents of multiple kids who actually wish they had stopped after one.