Sibling doesn't reciprocate

[Anonymous]

I have one sibling who was the golden child when we were kids and had a tendency, despite being younger, to boss me around. I always wanted us to be close and, as kids, usually spent time with sibling on their terms. Our adult dynamic, over many years, has been sibling connecting with me when they are having a tough time or need something but otherwise being pretty distant. Now we are both parents, and I live close to our parents but sibling moved across the country. My kids are quite a bit older than sibling's kids and were super excited to have first cousins. We have put a lot of effort into the relationship by visiting them a couple times a year (our money is tight for travel) and often sending the kids gifts and personal letters.We generally don't get thanked for gifts, and the visits, though welcome, have very restricted parameters that we comply by and lead to additional expenses. Between visits, we've gently asked to have some contact with the kids -- like a facetime call every month or so, nothing crazy -- my parents see the kids this way often -- and sibling, who hates being directed, will not agree and then be in touch with us even less. I've therefore stopped asking for contact as it's felt awkward and pathetic. I am working on letting go of my expectations and hopes for the cousins to connect and focusing on all the healthier relationships we have. It makes my kids feel sad and rejected, so that's the challenge. My parents are sympathetic, and deal with sibling being controlling, but understandably want to stay out of this as they don't want sibling to limit their contact with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Glad you’re letting go of your expectations. There’s nothing else you can do.

[Anonymous]

I could have sworn you were my sibling except that my sibling hasn't once in 25 years come to visit except when I paid them to come once. They didn't attend my wedding, nothing. My sibling sucks. I accept it.

[Anonymous]

Stop wasting your time and money traveling to see them. Focus on creating memories with your own family.

[Anonymous]

I don't think cousins are necessarily close unless they have reason to get together frequently and click. It seems like you're trying to make something happen that isn't natural, especially since you've said your own kids are a good bit older. It's also odd that older kids would feel "rejected" because their aunt isn't setting aside time for facetime calls with much younger cousins. I would just ease up and not make a thing out of this. If the cousins have the opportunity to get together once a year or so, great, but no need to force anything.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, your much older kids are excited to have younger cousins? You made that up. Maybe you were excited but highly unlikely they care at all.

This is something you built up in your own head and now you are mad it isn’t real. Let go.

[Anonymous]

You made a big mistake by talking up these cousins to your own kids. If your kids are disappointed, that is really on you because you didn’t manage expectations. People who live across the country from each other rarely become close — and these kids aren’t even the same age.

That said, I am in a cousin group that lives far apart growing up and have actually managed to become closer as adults. Two of the cousins ended up being roommates and travel together, etc. They are both single women around 40. While I’m not close like they are, I now have a texting relationship with two cousins and try to see them once a year. You never know.

[Anonymous]

I 100% disagree with the previous posters. Without any prompting from me, my kids were very excited to have cousins. They both wanted another sibling, which didn’t happen, so cousins were exciting to them. My kids were 10 and 8 when their first cousin was born and they would have been sad, too, if they didn’t have a chance to visit, Facetime, etc. with their cousin. So, I empathize, OP.

With that said, it sounds like your sibling has made it clear what they will and won’t do. Parenting could be very overwhelming to them. Maybe they’re stressed at work and can’t handle more needs/requests. Bottom line: don’t take it personally and enjoy whatever access you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one sibling who was the golden child when we were kids and had a tendency, despite being younger, to boss me around. I always wanted us to be close and, as kids, usually spent time with sibling on their terms. Our adult dynamic, over many years, has been sibling connecting with me when they are having a tough time or need something but otherwise being pretty distant. Now we are both parents, and I live close to our parents but sibling moved across the country. My kids are quite a bit older than sibling's kids and were super excited to have first cousins. We have put a lot of effort into the relationship by visiting them a couple times a year (our money is tight for travel) and often sending the kids gifts and personal letters.We generally don't get thanked for gifts, and the visits, though welcome, have very restricted parameters that we comply by and lead to additional expenses. Between visits, we've gently asked to have some contact with the kids -- like a facetime call every month or so, nothing crazy -- my parents see the kids this way often -- and sibling, who hates being directed, will not agree and then be in touch with us even less. I've therefore stopped asking for contact as it's felt awkward and pathetic. I am working on letting go of my expectations and hopes for the cousins to connect and focusing on all the healthier relationships we have. It makes my kids feel sad and rejected, so that's the challenge. My parents are sympathetic, and deal with sibling being controlling, but understandably want to stay out of this as they don't want sibling to limit their contact with the kids.

This is on you.

Our family has close blood relatives on both sides who are distant and I never mention it to my kids. They never hear me complain, or express my hurt feelings, about their lack of connection or interest in my kids. Not once. We have a small family and they only have 2 cousins who live a plane flight away, but it is what it is. Stop framing it as something your kids are losing and personalizing it for them. You feel sad and rejected and have foisted that onto your kids. They wouldn’t know any better otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP I know it's painful, but you have to accept reality. She's not that interested. Also, you are being controlling as well. you have rigid ideas about what the family should be like and you were trying to push this agenda. Then there are these dramatics about you and your kids being devastated. You insist you didn't want anything "crazy" just x, y and z, but yet her boundaries seem to drive you crazy.

Lower your expectations, don't try to drag your parents into this (triangulation) and accept reality. Also perhaps examine all your underlying expectations of what a family "should be." I assume there wasn't much of a foundation in childhood if you see yourself as doormat and she was bossy. It was unrealistic to assume you could be close if she over the years she didn't show interest.

That all said, you are allowed to have your own boundaries. If you feel used comforting her during hard times, figure out what feels OK to you. If all you can handle is sending a card or texting back "That sounds really tough" than just do that.

[Anonymous]

My kids see their cousins once a year. That time is precious to them all and while none of the cousins are “close,” obviously, they definitely feel connected. I think that may be the best you can do, but I wouldn’t discount that either. It can be enough to have sense of family.

[Anonymous]

I posted before but OP as others have said you can't control her, but you can control you and it may be worth exploring your own behavior here.

You are presumably a middle age woman complaining to mom and dad about your sister and you want strangers to know they agree that your sister is controlling. Don't interfere with other people's relationships as adults. That is controlling. What outcome were you hoping for? Did you need reassurance your sister is the wrong one or did you want them to force her to see you more. None of that is healthy.

Why did you hype everything up to your kids? Why did you keep buying gifts for and sending personal letters to someone who made it clear through actions she did not want them. (No thank you or reciprocity). You said she was open to visits, but she had "restricted parameters." Those are called boundaries. You don't seem to respect them, but instead complain about them.

The overall gist I get is that you struggle with boundaries. You triangulate your parents. You struggle to accept your sister saying "no" or setting limits and you call her the controlling one and don't seem to think you are doing anything uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

Facetiming cousins? Maybe holiday calls but sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Stop it all. They are not interested.