Sibling doesn't reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one sibling who was the golden child when we were kids and had a tendency, despite being younger, to boss me around. I always wanted us to be close and, as kids, usually spent time with sibling on their terms. Our adult dynamic, over many years, has been sibling connecting with me when they are having a tough time or need something but otherwise being pretty distant. Now we are both parents, and I live close to our parents but sibling moved across the country. My kids are quite a bit older than sibling's kids and were super excited to have first cousins. We have put a lot of effort into the relationship by visiting them a couple times a year (our money is tight for travel) and often sending the kids gifts and personal letters.We generally don't get thanked for gifts, and the visits, though welcome, have very restricted parameters that we comply by and lead to additional expenses. Between visits, we've gently asked to have some contact with the kids -- like a facetime call every month or so, nothing crazy -- my parents see the kids this way often -- and sibling, who hates being directed, will not agree and then be in touch with us even less. I've therefore stopped asking for contact as it's felt awkward and pathetic. I am working on letting go of my expectations and hopes for the cousins to connect and focusing on all the healthier relationships we have. It makes my kids feel sad and rejected, so that's the challenge. My parents are sympathetic, and deal with sibling being controlling, but understandably want to stay out of this as they don't want sibling to limit their contact with the kids.

i too thought this was my sister complaining about me not wanting a closer relationship. while my sister can be great at times, she's way too high maintenance, emotional, and impulsive for me to want to develop a close relationship with her. i always feel like she has expectations of how i'm supposed to behave and half the time she's complaining about something i did or didn't do. it's exhausting and i just don't have the energy to deal with her. a relationship needs to be net positive. if she weren't my sister, i would have distanced myself a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

I grew up super close to cousins (only child), and I appreciate the effort the parents all made. They are like my sisters now. It’s not weird to be close to cousins or to want to keep this up in families. Geography can totally make things harder but I think it has more to do with the relationship dynamic. If it’s a pattern, probably better to move on and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one sibling who was the golden child when we were kids and had a tendency, despite being younger, to boss me around. I always wanted us to be close and, as kids, usually spent time with sibling on their terms. Our adult dynamic, over many years, has been sibling connecting with me when they are having a tough time or need something but otherwise being pretty distant. Now we are both parents, and I live close to our parents but sibling moved across the country. My kids are quite a bit older than sibling's kids and were super excited to have first cousins. We have put a lot of effort into the relationship by visiting them a couple times a year (our money is tight for travel) and often sending the kids gifts and personal letters.We generally don't get thanked for gifts, and the visits, though welcome, have very restricted parameters that we comply by and lead to additional expenses. Between visits, we've gently asked to have some contact with the kids -- like a facetime call every month or so, nothing crazy -- my parents see the kids this way often -- and sibling, who hates being directed, will not agree and then be in touch with us even less. I've therefore stopped asking for contact as it's felt awkward and pathetic. I am working on letting go of my expectations and hopes for the cousins to connect and focusing on all the healthier relationships we have. It makes my kids feel sad and rejected, so that's the challenge. My parents are sympathetic, and deal with sibling being controlling, but understandably want to stay out of this as they don't want sibling to limit their contact with the kids.

We had the same experience, except cousins were similar in age. We would drive across the country, only to have the cousins sit and read the latest Harry Potter book while my kids waited for them to interact. These very introverted kids have grown up and we still only hear about their weddings and babies through sibling. Financial gifts and communication are over for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Facetiming cousins? Maybe holiday calls but sheesh.

We live far from all of our family and my kids Facetime them regularly. It's not unusual.