Where to retire ? Near friends or in another state near children?

[Anonymous]

What's your opinion, experience or observation?

[Anonymous]

Are children settled (married, stable job, kids)? If yes, move near them. If not, don't, because chances are they will move a few more times

[Anonymous]

Neither.

[Anonymous]

From what I've observed, it seems many seniors (who are still active and relatively healthy - can still drive, etc.) do much better being near friends.

Their peer group seems to do well with looking out for each other including socialization, help with household projects, and driving to/from medical procedures and related follow-up help.

Of course, that can quickly change if their physical/mental condition changes.

We've also known those who have moved to be closer to adult kids/grandkids and are sorely disappointed since the kids rarely have time for them due to work and activities. They have found themselves in a place they don't necessarily want to live, without a peer group (seniors) around and feel a lot of dissatisfaction. It's affected their relationship with adult kids.

IMO, as long as they are capable, seniors should live where they want to and where they are most happy, WITH a back-up plan for longer term care when they are no longer able.

That plan should not automatically assume that adult kids will be looking in on them often (again, busy) so I don't think geography should make a difference.

[Anonymous]

My in laws moved to be closer to one set of kids so they could help out with and spend time with the grandkids. They're glad they did it - but like PP said, that family is a lot busier than they expected, and also don't want to spend all their time with the grandparents.

Luckily they chose a 55+ community to buy in and have made a lot of friends there.

But yeah, just have realistic expectations if you move near your kids. And be prepared to make your own friends.

That said I wish my parents would move near me! They don't want to leave their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws moved to be closer to one set of kids so they could help out with and spend time with the grandkids. They're glad they did it - but like PP said, that family is a lot busier than they expected, and also don't want to spend all their time with the grandparents.

Luckily they chose a 55+ community to buy in and have made a lot of friends there.

But yeah, just have realistic expectations if you move near your kids. And be prepared to make your own friends.

That said I wish my parents would move near me! They don't want to leave their friends.

This is what my parents did, moving near my sister. They were very involved in babysitting and helping my sister in other ways. They made new friends in their golf course community. But, after about 10 years a lot of those friends gradually moved away to move near their kids as the health problems started. IME, once people are 80+ you really want to be near your kids. My dad is gone and 83 year old mom lives with my sister.

My inclination when we retire is to stay in DC so we can continue to spend time with our friends and involved in organizations that already part of our lives. When there is a clear reason to move near kids, we'd do that (them being settled, wanting to be more involved with grandkids, our needing more help). At this point I see no reason to move elsewhere unless it's to live near family. But, for now, most of my family is in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

We’re retiring in our early 60’s. Our youngest is graduating college at the end of the semester. We are reasonably healthy and active so our plan is to move to The Villages, buy a low maintenance, senior friendly home with good access to shopping and medical and then get a little traveling in while we can still really enjoy it and get involved in some of the activities in the community. We don’t have grandchildren in the picture, yet, so that’s a non issue at the moment and I suspect will be the case for at least a few more years.

[Anonymous]

I see the value in staying near friends but our real experience with this was my MIL. She became more ill and was likely clinically depressed after FIL died. My DH and his siblings all pushed her hard to move closer to one of us but she refused. Although she still had visits from her own sister and some friends, she became more and more housebound. After a medical emergency she moved to a rehab facility and from there never went home again. It was extremely tough on DH and his siblings because they were all constantly rotating trying to get to their hometown to visit and look after her. Expensive and burned through lots of PTO, which was tough on families as well since we all had youngish kids.

Presuming our relationship with our children is a good one, our plan is to move at least within an hour of one of the kids once we get older and they appear to be settled. We don't expect our children to do the actual care-taking but I know how draining it was to have to travel to look out for elderly parents and at the end to be the executor. I want to make that part as easy on my children as I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re retiring in our early 60’s. Our youngest is graduating college at the end of the semester. We are reasonably healthy and active so our plan is to move to The Villages, buy a low maintenance, senior friendly home with good access to shopping and medical and then get a little traveling in while we can still really enjoy it and get involved in some of the activities in the community. We don’t have grandchildren in the picture, yet, so that’s a non issue at the moment and I suspect will be the case for at least a few more years.

I've been to the Villages many times to visit my FIL and it's my version of hell on earth. So creepy.

[Anonymous]

Wherever you retire just have reasonable expectations and do it because you enjoy being there not because you are figuring out who will give you free labor. If you move near kids you still need to make friends. They may be able to help you for a while, but understand they may develop their own health issues or have other stressors or need to move due to work. Move because you enjoy seeing them and will bloom where you are planted and make friends, not because they will feel the most obligated to drive you to appointments and be there for every emeregncy.

Same with friends. If it brings you joy to be around them, move near friends. You still need to make more friends. They could move. They could become ill. Don't live near friends because they are more likely to bring you casseroles or drive you to appointments.

We all need plan for aging. This means living in appropriate settings where we PAY for appropriate care. We cannot even assume our spouse will be well enough to drive us for every procedure. Be willing to hire someone for this and have an aide.

I have seen this in our family. Sometimes for years you can rely on others, but it should not your goal and you shouldn't feel entitled because people have their own medical issues too and people reach their limit where it's all give and they want to enjoy their retirement too.

Enjoy your friends and family. Cherish the good things and be grateful for the help they provide, but don't expect it and feel entitled to their frequent sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Go where you have friends and hobbies. You can always visit kids and grandkids; they also can visit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see the value in staying near friends but our real experience with this was my MIL. She became more ill and was likely clinically depressed after FIL died. My DH and his siblings all pushed her hard to move closer to one of us but she refused. Although she still had visits from her own sister and some friends, she became more and more housebound. After a medical emergency she moved to a rehab facility and from there never went home again. It was extremely tough on DH and his siblings because they were all constantly rotating trying to get to their hometown to visit and look after her. Expensive and burned through lots of PTO, which was tough on families as well since we all had youngish kids.

Presuming our relationship with our children is a good one, our plan is to move at least within an hour of one of the kids once we get older and they appear to be settled. We don't expect our children to do the actual care-taking but I know how draining it was to have to travel to look out for elderly parents and at the end to be the executor. I want to make that part as easy on my children as I can.

I think this makes sense, but there is often a decade or more when people enjoy an active retirement. I think you can wait to make end-of-life care moves until you are out of the fun phase of retirement.

[Anonymous]

I am planning for two phases of retirement...and likely two moves.

Phase I which will probably last around 5-10 years is moving somewhere we want to be that is also a place that single 21-31 kids want to visit...probably a warm location vs. a ski/mountain type place...but still figuring it out.

Phase II probably moving near one of the kids when they have kids and can use the help.

Have randomly met 3 couples that pursued this exact strategy and they were thankful for the 5-10 years of being somewhere they wanted to be and active (with decent number of kid visitis)...and now looking forward to Phase II.

[Anonymous]

I also think it is important to downsize in stages so stuff just does not accumulate for ever in one house. It is important to have a sensible view of where you live and that your kind of housing may well change in the phases of retirement. You need to consider how you will get to health care as well as basic services
If you drive and then when you may not be able to do so. Keep in mind your finances and be flexible.

Right now it is very hard to figure out the impact of Trump and Musk on senior
services. You may want to keep in touch with your reps and let them know your position.

[Anonymous]

We are retiring this year. I'm still in my 50s. and we're both in good health.
Three of our adult children (and 1 grandchild) live 2 hours away and one daughter lives about 10 miles away from us in the town where we raised our kids.
We plan on wintering Florida - in a 55 and over community, summering at our lake home where kids like to visit, and spring and fall in our main home. I don't ever see us moving but maybe downsizing and selling a place.
We have friends and hobbies at all three residences.