Feeling betrayed (someone I considered an intellectual…)

[Anonymous]

…is in fact a close minded, rigid person prone to conspiracy theories.

Not sure which forum but I have a problem that seems too trivial to go to therapy over, but keeps bugging me. Maybe someone can say the right words and I’ll snap out of it?

I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and considered my father the smartest man on earth, was always looking up to him. My first disappointment came when I was about 18, I’ve had a year abroad and suddenly realized that my father is not as all knowing as he seemed before. I got over it, however, and soon left for college and I haven’t had much contact with him for years since (since about 2002 or so?) because I lived in a different city and we were both busy with our lives.

20 years go by, my mom dies, and he moves to my city to be closer to me (he is of course an elderly man by now, almost 80).
We start hanging out more, we talk, at first it’s fascinating as we are both rediscovering each other as personalities. However, it’s beginning to dawn on me that he has been frozen in time for decades, possibly since he was about 50. He stayed in the same town all of that time except maybe for a couple trips to see family.
I don’t think it’s due to retirement, but he has never really been that smart or had a broad outlook in life. He was not a great student, neither in HS nor in college, in fact he dropped out and re enrolled into a different school. He then kept changing jobs, and never worked for large or well known companies. I suspect his layoffs weren’t really layoffs, he was let go a few times.
I vaguely remember how he was holding pretty niche views 20 years ago too (nothing too bad, just a medley of strange conspiracy theories but also Marxism). So it’s not like he is losing it, he was always a weird guy, but he projected such intellectual might that he managed to fool me!

Anyway, I can’t get over that second disappointment in him. I remember it was pretty tough at 18, my key takeaway was that he isn’t as competent at life as I thought but then I was too busy living life.
The problem is that I can’t hold this disappointment back and this results in jabs towards my dad. I realize that I should stop talking to him about anything but everyday stuff, but I keep bringing up current events and such and I can’t get over the repeated disappointment from his takes on things.

Anyway, maybe someone has words of wisdom for me. No need to tell me how mean I am - I realize I should be a bigger person and accept dad as he is, but I can’t get over this very childish feeling of betrayal!
Thank you for reading all this.

[Anonymous]

OP, by their mid-20s, most people realize that their parents are humans. They're flawed, have their own traumas, and baggage. Whether you had a good or bad parent as a child, most people realize this as they become adults themselves.

It seems like you're realizing this a lot later than most people. Therapy may be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, by their mid-20s, most people realize that their parents are humans. They're flawed, have their own traumas, and baggage. Whether you had a good or bad parent as a child, most people realize this as they become adults themselves.

It seems like you're realizing this a lot later than most people. Therapy may be good for you.

+1 I have to agree with this. It's odd to feel such a high level of disappointment and also odd that you say you didn't have much to do with him for twenty years, but then he moves from his small town to your city? It seems like perhaps your perspective is the problem and it doesn't match up with reality.

[Anonymous]

If you think Marxism is similar to strange conspiracies, this might not be the forum for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, by their mid-20s, most people realize that their parents are humans. They're flawed, have their own traumas, and baggage. Whether you had a good or bad parent as a child, most people realize this as they become adults themselves.

It seems like you're realizing this a lot later than most people. Therapy may be good for you.

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

So he’s human and was a great father to you in your formative years. You were oblivious to the struggles likely in large part because your parents shielded you from them. You come across as immature and self involved. Time to grow up and stop focusing on what you perceive as his shortcomings and be humble.

[Anonymous]

This happened with my mom. I helped her get a bachelors and masters to habe a better life. She kept working at the same mom and pop store. I was so angry. But then I was able to see it from her perspective. The constant politicing. The constant continuing education and certification. The bullying in that field. She is happy and healthy. Doing well for herself. At peace.

OP, you don't have the 10 yeara it took me to get over it. I suggest you try to empathize with your father. Focus on the gifts he gave you. It seems like you admired specific lessons he taught you? Hold onto those things. Seek out the positive memories. Acknowledge the truth. But don't live in the negative.

[Anonymous]

He didn’t change, you did. Your childhood self adored her father (how great!). Your early adult self had some sort of freak out and has held it against him ever since. But he didn’t change! You just grew up, acquired more knowledge, had a bigger world view. All normal and good. Most people appreciate their parents MORE because they see them as adults and not through a child’s eyes. You’re still looking through a child’s eyes. Something a therapist I hope can help you with.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP I do think some therapy would be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…is in fact a close minded, rigid person prone to conspiracy theories.

Not sure which forum but I have a problem that seems too trivial to go to therapy over, but keeps bugging me. Maybe someone can say the right words and I’ll snap out of it?

I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and considered my father the smartest man on earth, was always looking up to him. My first disappointment came when I was about 18, I’ve had a year abroad and suddenly realized that my father is not as all knowing as he seemed before. I got over it, however, and soon left for college and I haven’t had much contact with him for years since (since about 2002 or so?) because I lived in a different city and we were both busy with our lives.

20 years go by, my mom dies, and he moves to my city to be closer to me (he is of course an elderly man by now, almost 80).
We start hanging out more, we talk, at first it’s fascinating as we are both rediscovering each other as personalities. However, it’s beginning to dawn on me that he has been frozen in time for decades, possibly since he was about 50. He stayed in the same town all of that time except maybe for a couple trips to see family.
I don’t think it’s due to retirement, but he has never really been that smart or had a broad outlook in life. He was not a great student, neither in HS nor in college, in fact he dropped out and re enrolled into a different school. He then kept changing jobs, and never worked for large or well known companies. I suspect his layoffs weren’t really layoffs, he was let go a few times.
I vaguely remember how he was holding pretty niche views 20 years ago too (nothing too bad, just a medley of strange conspiracy theories but also Marxism). So it’s not like he is losing it, he was always a weird guy, but he projected such intellectual might that he managed to fool me!

Anyway, I can’t get over that second disappointment in him. I remember it was pretty tough at 18, my key takeaway was that he isn’t as competent at life as I thought but then I was too busy living life.
The problem is that I can’t hold this disappointment back and this results in jabs towards my dad. I realize that I should stop talking to him about anything but everyday stuff, but I keep bringing up current events and such and I can’t get over the repeated disappointment from his takes on things.

Anyway, maybe someone has words of wisdom for me. No need to tell me how mean I am - I realize I should be a bigger person and accept dad as he is, but I can’t get over this very childish feeling of betrayal!
Thank you for reading all this.

Are you sure he’s not intelligent/intellectual? You say he isn’t, but your criticisms of him are all focused on status, not intelligence. “Not a great student”; “never worked for a large or well known company”; “stayed in the same town for all that time.” All those things could readily describe someone who is highly intelligent and intellectually interesting, but who is not cut out for a more traditional path due to other characteristics of temperament or interest. Even his tendency to conspiracy theory is not *always* a sign of low intelligence, Newton famously was fascinated by alchemy.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing which conspiracy theories or the level of nuance to his Marxism, it’s hard to judge. You think the government is batting a thousand? Because that also seems like an intellectually rigid position to take. Have you seen some of the shit our government got into in Latin America from like 1950 to 1990?

[Anonymous]

This is normal. Most people go through this with at least one parent. People are human, which means they are a mess. No one's dad is as smart or sophisticated as we found them to be when we were 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t change, you did. Your childhood self adored her father (how great!). Your early adult self had some sort of freak out and has held it against him ever since. But he didn’t change! You just grew up, acquired more knowledge, had a bigger world view. All normal and good. Most people appreciate their parents MORE because they see them as adults and not through a child’s eyes. You’re still looking through a child’s eyes. Something a therapist I hope can help you with.

+1. You now need the humility to see your dad through an adult’s eye. It’s like you met your idol and now you’re disappointed because he made different choices in life than you would have. Why does it matter that he didn’t have the best grades or work for a well know company? Some of the smartest people I know haven’t either. Seems like you’re still very immature.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to square "daddy's girl" and idolizing your father with not having much contact with him for the past 20 years.

[Anonymous]

What you describe is every male Trump voter in America. Low education, underemployed, low intelligence, but, but, but..... look how smart I am because I mansplain with great confidence total BS things I read in a magazine or that one time I read Ayn Rand (Anthem - because it's the shortest).