Feeling betrayed (someone I considered an intellectual…)

[Anonymous]

I’ll save you a year of therapy- you’re really mad at yourself for being naive, not mad at him. Maybe you’re also guilty you bailed on him all these years.

Some people look back at how they idolized their parents with fondness. I thought my mom had the best voice and loved when she sang to me. Now when I hear her sing in church I know she’s not the best but it’s sweet that I once thought so. I don’t get mad at her for not being the singer my 5 year old self thought she was.

[Anonymous]

My dad got kicked out of high school at 16 and started working right away. He is extremely smart and well-read. I really don't think it's fair to assume having a formal education means being more intellectual, especially for someone from a small town and without means. I know so many college grads who never read. Your post sounds a bit snobby and not grounded in facts since it's not clear 1. You have any idea why your dad left jobs 2. You don't articulate what theories he actually believes.

[Anonymous]

I think this is very normal in many ways. It is normal to feel let down when you realize a parent you adore is human with weaknesses. I think it is also normal for the older generation to be more limited in their thinking, as they grew up with very limited information.

And, sadly, it is becoming more common for older folks to become a bit more indoctrinated with political opinions, as they often watch news all day and most news programs are either very biased either to the right or left.

[Anonymous]

Most of us figure out that our parents aren’t that smart and don’t always make the right decisions when we’re teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…is in fact a close minded, rigid person prone to conspiracy theories.

Not sure which forum but I have a problem that seems too trivial to go to therapy over, but keeps bugging me. Maybe someone can say the right words and I’ll snap out of it?

I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and considered my father the smartest man on earth, was always looking up to him. My first disappointment came when I was about 18, I’ve had a year abroad and suddenly realized that my father is not as all knowing as he seemed before. I got over it, however, and soon left for college and I haven’t had much contact with him for years since (since about 2002 or so?) because I lived in a different city and we were both busy with our lives.

20 years go by, my mom dies, and he moves to my city to be closer to me (he is of course an elderly man by now, almost 80).
We start hanging out more, we talk, at first it’s fascinating as we are both rediscovering each other as personalities. However, it’s beginning to dawn on me that he has been frozen in time for decades, possibly since he was about 50. He stayed in the same town all of that time except maybe for a couple trips to see family.
I don’t think it’s due to retirement, but he has never really been that smart or had a broad outlook in life. He was not a great student, neither in HS nor in college, in fact he dropped out and re enrolled into a different school. He then kept changing jobs, and never worked for large or well known companies. I suspect his layoffs weren’t really layoffs, he was let go a few times.
I vaguely remember how he was holding pretty niche views 20 years ago too (nothing too bad, just a medley of strange conspiracy theories but also Marxism). So it’s not like he is losing it, he was always a weird guy, but he projected such intellectual might that he managed to fool me!

Anyway, I can’t get over that second disappointment in him. I remember it was pretty tough at 18, my key takeaway was that he isn’t as competent at life as I thought but then I was too busy living life.
The problem is that I can’t hold this disappointment back and this results in jabs towards my dad. I realize that I should stop talking to him about anything but everyday stuff, but I keep bringing up current events and such and I can’t get over the repeated disappointment from his takes on things.

Anyway, maybe someone has words of wisdom for me. No need to tell me how mean I am - I realize I should be a bigger person and accept dad as he is, but I can’t get over this very childish feeling of betrayal!
Thank you for reading all this.

OP, to me (bolded) this is key. Why would you go from being a daddy's girl to having no contact with him for almost 20 years, especially after your mother died? That is pretty harsh. Everyone is busy and living in a different city is no excuse. What details are you leaving out?

[Anonymous]

The fact that you included the well-known companies bit means you might have some underlying and unfair resentment of him. Try working that out in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you describe is every male Trump voter in America. Low education, underemployed, low intelligence, but, but, but..... look how smart I am because I mansplain with great confidence total BS things I read in a magazine or that one time I read Ayn Rand (Anthem - because it's the shortest).

I will assure you that many of us believe Objectivism is complete nonsense. It suffers from the same problem as central planning, lack of perfect knowledge. We can discuss it elsewhere if you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very normal in many ways. It is normal to feel let down when you realize a parent you adore is human with weaknesses. I think it is also normal for the older generation to be more limited in their thinking, as they grew up with very limited information.

And, sadly, it is becoming more common for older folks to become a bit more indoctrinated with political opinions, as they often watch news all day and most news programs are either very biased either to the right or left.

Your ageist post is laughable. The “older” generation read books with much richer vocabulary, including knowledge of history, etc. Having access to Google does not make you more intellectual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll save you a year of therapy- you’re really mad at yourself for being naive, not mad at him. Maybe you’re also guilty you bailed on him all these years.

Some people look back at how they idolized their parents with fondness. I thought my mom had the best voice and loved when she sang to me. Now when I hear her sing in church I know she’s not the best but it’s sweet that I once thought so. I don’t get mad at her for not being the singer my 5 year old self thought she was.

You do know that singing voices deteriorate with age, like anything with muscles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very normal in many ways. It is normal to feel let down when you realize a parent you adore is human with weaknesses. I think it is also normal for the older generation to be more limited in their thinking, as they grew up with very limited information.

And, sadly, it is becoming more common for older folks to become a bit more indoctrinated with political opinions, as they often watch news all day and most news programs are either very biased either to the right or left.

Your ageist post is laughable. The “older” generation read books with much richer vocabulary, including knowledge of history, etc. Having access to Google does not make you more intellectual.

DP. Both things are true. All 4 grandparents in our family are well read and educated but have been indoctrinated by their excessive exposure to “news”. They’re unrecognizable from the parents we remember growing up in terms of their newly acquired values. Same people in other ways but very different political views.

[Anonymous]

It is probably you who has changed, but your father.

He did nothing new or wrong. You are finally seeing who he really is.

I agree that therapy might help you take a mature approach to dealing with him.

(You are mourning the loss of your fantasy father)

[Anonymous]

I got stuck at you describing yourself as a "daddy's girl" who had no relationship with her dad for 20 years. That does not compute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very normal in many ways. It is normal to feel let down when you realize a parent you adore is human with weaknesses. I think it is also normal for the older generation to be more limited in their thinking, as they grew up with very limited information.

And, sadly, it is becoming more common for older folks to become a bit more indoctrinated with political opinions, as they often watch news all day and most news programs are either very biased either to the right or left.

Your ageist post is laughable. The “older” generation read books with much richer vocabulary, including knowledge of history, etc. Having access to Google does not make you more intellectual.

Published books though can be limiting to a certain voice that gets published. It depends on the person. I agree with you on vocabulary but it could be that many books they read had a similar vibe like watching movies from the same TV channel. This person has stayed in a small town. I'm sure that limited the voices they were exposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very normal in many ways. It is normal to feel let down when you realize a parent you adore is human with weaknesses. I think it is also normal for the older generation to be more limited in their thinking, as they grew up with very limited information.

And, sadly, it is becoming more common for older folks to become a bit more indoctrinated with political opinions, as they often watch news all day and most news programs are either very biased either to the right or left.

Your ageist post is laughable. The “older” generation read books with much richer vocabulary, including knowledge of history, etc. Having access to Google does not make you more intellectual.

DP. Both things are true. All 4 grandparents in our family are well read and educated but have been indoctrinated by their excessive exposure to “news”. They’re unrecognizable from the parents we remember growing up in terms of their newly acquired values. Same people in other ways but very different political views.

But somehow you have escaped being "indoctrinated."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very normal in many ways. It is normal to feel let down when you realize a parent you adore is human with weaknesses. I think it is also normal for the older generation to be more limited in their thinking, as they grew up with very limited information.

And, sadly, it is becoming more common for older folks to become a bit more indoctrinated with political opinions, as they often watch news all day and most news programs are either very biased either to the right or left.

Your ageist post is laughable. The “older” generation read books with much richer vocabulary, including knowledge of history, etc. Having access to Google does not make you more intellectual.

DP. Both things are true. All 4 grandparents in our family are well read and educated but have been indoctrinated by their excessive exposure to “news”. They’re unrecognizable from the parents we remember growing up in terms of their newly acquired values. Same people in other ways but very different political views.

But somehow you have escaped being "indoctrinated."

Yes. They're deep in with conspiracies and they consume media way to the right of Fox News, if that's what you mean. They also get confused by news vs entertainment on Fox News so that's not awesome for them either. They're angry and worked up way too much. I won't pretend this problem wasn't 100% started by Fox News.