If you left a decent career to sahm… do you miss the intellectual stimulation?

[Anonymous]

I recently had my third child. I’ve been enjoying my time home while on maternity leave.

With three kids (6 and under), I feel like I am constantly busy. I was busy before, with 2 kids, but I am handling it better without the added stress of my job and like being available for my kids more - to the extent that I’m considering whether I should leave my job altogether at some point.

Leaving aside my financial hesitations about leaving the workforce, I have this nagging feeling about not doing something intellectually stimulating. I have a decent career in which I have mom tracked myself but I could dial it up. I am model mgmt at a prestigious company, went to a top university, and was always a strong student. I value having a parent being at home with the kids, and a less stressed one at that, but I feel this impending loss of identity not achieving.

I wouldn’t miss my job itself as much as having goals to work towards and feeling less aimless on a daily basis. Any sahms deal with that feeling?

[Anonymous]

I get plenty of intellectual stimulation through reading, talking to interesting friends, etc. What I sometimes miss is the recognition of my intelligence and the external validation that often comes with a stimulating job.

I’m just as smart, driven, well-read and quick-thinking as I was when I was working, but I feel like it exists in a void because of how people perceive someone who is “just a mom” or wonder if I miss “intellectual stimulation.”

So do I miss it?

No, all I miss is being treated like an equal. There are definitely people who look down on you regardless of your education, career or how you spend your days. It stings to be shut out of conversations or ignored at parties and events because people make snap judgements about my ability to contribute to a conversation.

On the bright side, I have really interesting SAHP friends who I have met along the way who I never would have met while at my former job. I appreciate that I’ve had the opportunity to broaden my horizons through this phase of my life. Notably, in spite of my attempts to chase the companionship of smart, interesting people for the past 2 decades through things like elite schools and fancy jobs and elaborate extracurriculars, the most brilliant woman I’ve befriended as a SAHM has a 2-year associates degree and does bookkeeping during tax season as her entire career, and we met at the hospital after our babies were born. Knowing people like her erased my naive idea that career type=smartness.

My youngest is 10 now and I’ll also say that it gets better to be in the company of her and her friends. Going from the insanity of a conversation with a 3 year old to being able to talk about books and music with an 8, 9 or 10 year old is a huge improvement and much more stimulating than the tiny kids.

Parenting has a way of making you look differently at achievement culture and how you fit into it, especially once your kids are in elementary and you realize how little control you have. You might need achievement to be happy, or you might go through some discomfort but find a different way of defining your life once you come out on the other side of this choice. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get plenty of intellectual stimulation through reading, talking to interesting friends, etc. What I sometimes miss is the recognition of my intelligence and the external validation that often comes with a stimulating job.

I’m just as smart, driven, well-read and quick-thinking as I was when I was working, but I feel like it exists in a void because of how people perceive someone who is “just a mom” or wonder if I miss “intellectual stimulation.”

So do I miss it?

No, all I miss is being treated like an equal. There are definitely people who look down on you regardless of your education, career or how you spend your days. It stings to be shut out of conversations or ignored at parties and events because people make snap judgements about my ability to contribute to a conversation.

On the bright side, I have really interesting SAHP friends who I have met along the way who I never would have met while at my former job. I appreciate that I’ve had the opportunity to broaden my horizons through this phase of my life. Notably, in spite of my attempts to chase the companionship of smart, interesting people for the past 2 decades through things like elite schools and fancy jobs and elaborate extracurriculars, the most brilliant woman I’ve befriended as a SAHM has a 2-year associates degree and does bookkeeping during tax season as her entire career, and we met at the hospital after our babies were born. Knowing people like her erased my naive idea that career type=smartness.

My youngest is 10 now and I’ll also say that it gets better to be in the company of her and her friends. Going from the insanity of a conversation with a 3 year old to being able to talk about books and music with an 8, 9 or 10 year old is a huge improvement and much more stimulating than the tiny kids.

Parenting has a way of making you look differently at achievement culture and how you fit into it, especially once your kids are in elementary and you realize how little control you have. You might need achievement to be happy, or you might go through some discomfort but find a different way of defining your life once you come out on the other side of this choice. Good luck.

NP- Really thoughtful. Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes

+1. Me too. It is working out so well for my kids and family as a whole, but I am not mentally stimulated. My last goes to college next year and am now thinking what to change.

[Anonymous]

Yes - I found that when I was at home full time, I sunk into my darker personality side more often and more easily. I would get lost in books and video games. I wouldn't talk to another soul besides my family for weeks, and it was painful to pull out of it. I need a tether to the real world or I'll get lost in my head. I'm a fed, so I'm staring RIF in the face. We could financially handle it, but I'm not sure I want to do that again.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was a sahm for 8 months with DC#1, and by the end of 8 months, I was going stir crazy.

I dialed back again after DC#2 was born and was a sahm for almost 18 months. I think I lost some brain cells.

Being a sahm did lower the stress at home, and at times, I was happy to not have that stress, but I could not do it long term. I was glad to go back to work, and not just because of the intellectual stimulation, which I did miss, but also because I hate not being financially independent.

IMO, reading books isn't the same as using your brain at work. I do also read.

But, I had two kids. If I had three, maybe I would not have gone back. And while I would've been busy, I think more of my brain cells would've eventually died.

DH is now "retired" at 60, and I can tell his brain cells are starting to atrophy.

Maybe you can volunteer at some org using your management skills to keep your skills up to date, and also for the mental stimulation.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, there was no intellectual stimulation in the career I had. I was not surrounded by smart people. We all were just doing a job to earn a paycheck.

I love being a SAHM because it has allowed me the opportunity and time to expand my horizons. I teach my kids at home and I have basically studied in-depth all subjects that they are being taught from K-12 so that I could be a resource to them. Bad public school teachers, school closings, lack of textbooks, substitute teachers, poor curriculum did not faze me.

I also continue to read, study, take seminars, and learn new skills for my own enjoyment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, there was no intellectual stimulation in the career I had. I was not surrounded by smart people. We all were just doing a job to earn a paycheck.

I love being a SAHM because it has allowed me the opportunity and time to expand my horizons. I teach my kids at home and I have basically studied in-depth all subjects that they are being taught from K-12 so that I could be a resource to them. Bad public school teachers, school closings, lack of textbooks, substitute teachers, poor curriculum did not faze me.

I also continue to read, study, take seminars, and learn new skills for my own enjoyment.

Sure you do boo

[Anonymous]

Yes, not so much “intellectual stimulation” exactly, because I read books and articles and listened to interesting podcasts, but I really missed the feeling of “flow” that you get at work when immersed in a task for hours. Being a sahm was all little tasks with constant interruptions and made my mind feel like Swiss cheese. I wasn’t dumber but i didn’t have that state of deep thinking and it made me anxious and fried-feeling and more irrational over time. That said, logistics are for sure easier when the kids are little. I think SAH is great for the family but hard on the sahp.

[Anonymous]

I didn't really love my career before having kids and didn't consider it intellectually stimulating at all. It was more draining than anything else. Fast forward 20 years: I *love* my current job and would definitely have had different feelings about transitioning away from it for parenting/kid reasons.

It really sounds as though you like your career and have some identity attached to it--both of those things are so important to hold onto. I'd hesitate to transition away from a job I enjoy based on the needs of young kids. It's very, very easy to undervalue yourself and your time as a SAHM and being at home doesn't sound like something you would want or enjoy long term.

Instead I'd look for ways to take some pressure off. You mention certain things being easier with you at home, what are they? we may be able to help brainstorm ideas for other ways to help with those things.

Probably a long shot but would you be able to adjust your schedule and not go in one day a week? Or would you just be doing the same amount of work in fewer hours? (which would just add stress!)

I think your question is tough because ... these years of kids being little pass quickly. So I understand why you'd want to be there for them. But also? They pass quickly. It's important to build the life you want long term, and that may mean keeping a foot in the working world.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just starting to feel that way 15 years in with last kid almost in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I find plenty of ways to amuse myself.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but not enough to go back.

You can have goals and mentally stimulate yourself by keeping your house running like a well-oiled machine (decluttering, cleaning schedule to keep your home in pristine condition, yard work, preparing balanced meals, etc) and opportunities for hobbies and volunteering while kids are in school, or mommy and me activities that can enrich your child(ren) and you can have some conversation with other adults. Your days don’t have to be aimless if you plan out your days like you did at work. It took me about 5 years to get this.

[Anonymous]

No, having three kids means teaching and research and education- it’s a vocation. Focus on being the best parent you can and learn everything you can. It’s a whole new skill set.