If you left a decent career to sahm… do you miss the intellectual stimulation?

[Anonymous]

I Sah while the kids were little and went back part time while they were in elementary school and full time in middle and high.

While SAH I did do play groups and outings, but yes I got bored. You can only go to the same places so many times. Grocery, target, nature centers, libraries on rotation. We never had a cleaning service so I felt like I was cleaning and or cooking prettt much constantly.

I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t. I’m
Glad I went back to work.

And while I wish I could work part time now instead of full time, I’m glad I have my job, I enjoy it and I am good at it, so I feel fulfilled.

It’s okay to take a couple of years off and see how it works for you, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get plenty of intellectual stimulation through reading, talking to interesting friends, etc. What I sometimes miss is the recognition of my intelligence and the external validation that often comes with a stimulating job.

I’m just as smart, driven, well-read and quick-thinking as I was when I was working, but I feel like it exists in a void because of how people perceive someone who is “just a mom” or wonder if I miss “intellectual stimulation.”

So do I miss it?

No, all I miss is being treated like an equal. There are definitely people who look down on you regardless of your education, career or how you spend your days. It stings to be shut out of conversations or ignored at parties and events because people make snap judgements about my ability to contribute to a conversation.

On the bright side, I have really interesting SAHP friends who I have met along the way who I never would have met while at my former job. I appreciate that I’ve had the opportunity to broaden my horizons through this phase of my life. Notably, in spite of my attempts to chase the companionship of smart, interesting people for the past 2 decades through things like elite schools and fancy jobs and elaborate extracurriculars, the most brilliant woman I’ve befriended as a SAHM has a 2-year associates degree and does bookkeeping during tax season as her entire career, and we met at the hospital after our babies were born. Knowing people like her erased my naive idea that career type=smartness.

My youngest is 10 now and I’ll also say that it gets better to be in the company of her and her friends. Going from the insanity of a conversation with a 3 year old to being able to talk about books and music with an 8, 9 or 10 year old is a huge improvement and much more stimulating than the tiny kids.

Parenting has a way of making you look differently at achievement culture and how you fit into it, especially once your kids are in elementary and you realize how little control you have. You might need achievement to be happy, or you might go through some discomfort but find a different way of defining your life once you come out on the other side of this choice. Good luck.

You’ve phrased it better than I could have. All of this. It took me more than 2 years to let go of the achievement culture stuff. I still feel pangs of jealousy as some of my friends continue to accomplish more and more in work.

But at the end of the day, I have patched together some work, some volunteering, and plenty of time for my own pursuits. I am happy, my kids are thriving and happy, and my life is as full and intellectually stimulating as before, just without the titles and prestige.

[Anonymous]

I quit being a SAHM because of this. It’s not just about reading books or having hobbies.

It’s more about building something and interacting with other adults to achieve something. With kids, once you get the basics down, it’s just the same thing day after day with no end in sight. With work, there’s an actual project with a completion date that requires creativity, trial and error, and it pushes me to my limits. Also helpful I’m surrounded by people who also geek out over the things I do and show a lot of appreciation (which, let’s be honest, kids and husbands don’t).

I know moms who are very happy being SAHMs and that’s great for them. But I can’t do it.

[Anonymous]

I’m a biomedical scientist. I stayed home for 5 years and then went back. I absolutely missed the intellectual stimulation. Yes, you can read books as a SAHP but it is not the same as being actively engaged in intellectual work on a daily basis. Not even close. You can do the driven mom thing and run marathons and have a Pinterest home and cook all organic food from scratch. But in my experience it was really hard to go from an entire life of school and preparing for a specific career and then just being cut off from that outside of a few writing engagements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a biomedical scientist. I stayed home for 5 years and then went back. I absolutely missed the intellectual stimulation. Yes, you can read books as a SAHP but it is not the same as being actively engaged in intellectual work on a daily basis. Not even close. You can do the driven mom thing and run marathons and have a Pinterest home and cook all organic food from scratch. But in my experience it was really hard to go from an entire life of school and preparing for a specific career and then just being cut off from that outside of a few writing engagements.

That’s kewl

[Anonymous]

You can get intellectual stimulation without a job. And I got way more meaning from being a SAHM. I was a lawyer in a law firm and it was somewhat intellectually stimulating but so meaningless. I was helping rich companies get richer - yay?! If I had a more meaningful career, maybe I would have missed my job more. But the benefits that having a SAHP brought to our family with 3 kids and the satisfaction I got from being able to spend so much time with my kids was so much better.

There are downsides. In this area, people will look down on you if you stay home. And when you go back to work like I did a few years ago, you will have a much less satisfying job than you would have been able to get. But my youngest will be graduating soon and I am so happy that we made the choice for me to stay home through most of their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the first few years I did, though I read a lot of books on child development during that time.

As the kids got older and I considered going back to work, I realized doing so would mean having far less time to read and be engaged in my community, which is at least as intellectually stimulating if not more so than my old job.

So yeah those first years are rough but after that having more time than a working mom means you can be just as intellectually engaged as before, only on issues and projects of your choosing.

[Anonymous]

If you cannot lean in to being the best mother AND best teacher, strategist and guide AND best life coach to your kids - then what is the point of an educated well to do SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can get intellectual stimulation without a job. And I got way more meaning from being a SAHM. I was a lawyer in a law firm and it was somewhat intellectually stimulating but so meaningless. I was helping rich companies get richer - yay?! If I had a more meaningful career, maybe I would have missed my job more. But the benefits that having a SAHP brought to our family with 3 kids and the satisfaction I got from being able to spend so much time with my kids was so much better.

There are downsides. In this area, people will look down on you if you stay home. And when you go back to work like I did a few years ago, you will have a much less satisfying job than you would have been able to get. But my youngest will be graduating soon and I am so happy that we made the choice for me to stay home through most of their childhood.

My youngest will also graduate soon and I’m happy I now SAH. I enjoyed working, but in the end it was just a job. A job won’t love you back - especially now when there is zero reward for job loyalty.

[Anonymous]

Is there a post every week disguised as a question but is clearly just a judgmental post about SAHMs? We get it. DCUM in general hates all forms of SAHP.

It works for some, would never work for others, and is looked down by many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a post every week disguised as a question but is clearly just a judgmental post about SAHMs? We get it. DCUM in general hates all forms of SAHP.

It works for some, would never work for others, and is looked down by many.

This area has a lot of educated moms. Maybe if you went to the midwest there would be less judgement about being a sahm and finding it fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a post every week disguised as a question but is clearly just a judgmental post about SAHMs? We get it. DCUM in general hates all forms of SAHP.

It works for some, would never work for others, and is looked down by many.

This area has a lot of educated moms. Maybe if you went to the midwest there would be less judgement about being a sahm and finding it fulfilling.

np. In the DMV, a lot of the educated moms are also SAHM, and many go back to work after a few years. It makes less sense to judge here because the educated SAHM and educated WOHM are often the same people at different points in time of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a post every week disguised as a question but is clearly just a judgmental post about SAHMs? We get it. DCUM in general hates all forms of SAHP.

It works for some, would never work for others, and is looked down by many.

This area has a lot of educated moms. Maybe if you went to the midwest there would be less judgement about being a sahm and finding it fulfilling.

What is the point of judging anyone else’s choices regardless of education level? Given the educated population here, people clearly possess the skills needed to make the choices that work for their family. It doesn’t impact anyone else’s family so who cares and why the need to feel so superior and put down people who make different choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I Sah while the kids were little and went back part time while they were in elementary school and full time in middle and high.

While SAH I did do play groups and outings, but yes I got bored. You can only go to the same places so many times. Grocery, target, nature centers, libraries on rotation. We never had a cleaning service so I felt like I was cleaning and or cooking prettt much constantly.

I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t. I’m
Glad I went back to work.

And while I wish I could work part time now instead of full time, I’m glad I have my job, I enjoy it and I am good at it, so I feel fulfilled.

It’s okay to take a couple of years off and see how it works for you, op.

Why’s that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a lazy sack of shit OP

A nasty one too. Who openly shows their boredom about their spouse’s projects? I can’t imagine my DH doing that, even if he was bored in the inside.

Some people are more perceptive than others. The OP may know what her husband is thinking without him openly showing it.