Divorce - yes or no?

[Anonymous]

DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal to feel conflicted with such a long marriage. But if he’s abusing you, the answer is obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel conflicted with such a long marriage. But if he’s abusing you, the answer is obvious.

Definitely this.

I do wonder if there is something else holding you back other than the length of the marriage.
Will you have to go back to work?
Will you struggle financially?

[Anonymous]

On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Why? Have you done couples counseling yet? Asked either/both of your parents for help? Gone to support groups?
Is he willing to work on it with you?

You need help with trust, respect, communication, etc. You likely had that all when you married, so it's worth trying to get that back if at all possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

Oh boy, get him working and functional first before you file or let him know your intent. Being a breadwinner mom is the absolute worst position to be in in divorce. Sadly I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

If you want to give it a last try so you don't end up regretting giving up without a good fight, attend marriage counseling with him for six months. If he isn't willing to go and fight for a better marriage then there isn't much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

What's more important, saving money or sanity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

If you want to give it a last try so you don't end up regretting giving up without a good fight, attend marriage counseling with him for six months. If he isn't willing to go and fight for a better marriage then there isn't much you can do.

I didn’t know how. He’s been so awful, I don’t want to speak with him or look at him. When I hear his voice on the phone (he’s been away for a new job for 2 weeks), I feel like I have PTSD. He repeatedly told me to die/go to my grave/he’ll ship off my coffin etc. I had to go to a hotel because it was so bad for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he isn’t having an affair? Anger directed at their spouse is a huge sign of cheating. If you’re in some states, he can’t get alimony if you can prove he’s cheating. My state has a clause for that.
Go hire a private detective.
Money well spent.

Please record him saying these things to you. Go to the lawyer and talk about a protective order based on the recordings you have.
Go get a money card, buy the recording charger, and have it sent to your office. Or open up the recording app on iPhone and/or buy one that records phone calls.

Please move quick. To many women get killed. He knows what he’s saying to you. It’s a threat .

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? If you hate your kids you should definitely get divorced. They always get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

If you want to give it a last try so you don't end up regretting giving up without a good fight, attend marriage counseling with him for six months. If he isn't willing to go and fight for a better marriage then there isn't much you can do.

I didn’t know how. He’s been so awful, I don’t want to speak with him or look at him. When I hear his voice on the phone (he’s been away for a new job for 2 weeks), I feel like I have PTSD. He repeatedly told me to die/go to my grave/he’ll ship off my coffin etc. I had to go to a hotel because it was so bad for a few days.

Do NOT go to couples therapy with someone like this. Couples therapy is NOT advised when there is any type of abuse going on. Please look into taking steps to leave this person.

- a marriage counselor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

If you want to give it a last try so you don't end up regretting giving up without a good fight, attend marriage counseling with him for six months. If he isn't willing to go and fight for a better marriage then there isn't much you can do.

I didn’t know how. He’s been so awful, I don’t want to speak with him or look at him. When I hear his voice on the phone (he’s been away for a new job for 2 weeks), I feel like I have PTSD. He repeatedly told me to die/go to my grave/he’ll ship off my coffin etc. I had to go to a hotel because it was so bad for a few days.

I don’t understand why you don’t understand these as death threats.

[Anonymous]

I think having to pay out a lot of money to be rid of him and live in peace is totally worth it. Sometimes we have to pay our way to freedom.

And btw, him saying he'll "ship you off to your coffin" is a death threat. Call a divorce lawyer tomorrow morning.