How to minimize the effects of divorce on a child ?

[Anonymous]

Ex husband and I have a 5 year old son together . We split when our son was 2 months old . Was a pretty smooth split for the most part lately Ex and new spouse have been trying to turn ds against me . Ex fights me on everything which think comes with the territory . Unfortunately it's starting to affect ds he's starting to keep secrets which maybe that's normal for his age only kid I have . We've been fighting some lately try to never say anything bad about my ex in front of him . He was pottytrained day and night by 2 years of age thought we had it made unfortunately the last couple of months he's started to wet the bed .I'm assuming cause of the split anybody got any ideas how to minimize the effects of divorce?

[Anonymous]

No advice, but this is tragic.

And no, adjusted 5 year olds don’t keep secrets from their parents. I don’t think my 5 year old knows what a secret even is.

[Anonymous]

Why would his bed wetting at 5 be related to a relationship split when he was 2 months old? He has only ever known his parents as living in different houses.

Most 5 year olds know about secrets. But that isn’t here or there. If his behaviour is changing and he has started wetting the bed after being trained for 3 years, those are flags for concern. It could be the fighting if he is overhearing it needing to deal with the tension. There is no need to fight with an ex. Deal with him factually in writing. And I would follow up, maybe starting with your GP about the bed wetting.

[Anonymous]

The two of you need to come to an agreement that neither of you will disparage the other when the child is in the car or house. It's not normal for the 5 yr old to be keeping secrets of this kind and not normal for him to start wetting the bed after being fully trained.

[Anonymous]

Op here he has an Dr's appointment next week for a yearly checkup I'll bring it up then . I try to only talk to ex at a minimum about our son and that's it . I've heard through mutual friends that they blame me for thier financial hardships . We have 50 50 custody I belive he needs both parents in his life . I pay all his insurance even though thier supposed to pay half I pay half of his schooling and buy most of his clothes. I unfortunately can't control what he hears from them .

[Anonymous]

Say positive things about ex and his partner to DS, even thought they suck. Make sure your son has pictures of his dad. They are trying to make him choose and the healthiest thing for DS happens to also be the way to win- you are his ultimate safe place and he doesn’t have to choose.

I would talk with him about the difference between secrets and surprises. 5 year olds should not have secrets from their parents. Don’t bring it up in the context of his dad.

The bed wetting may very well be regression due to stress. One of the issues that you will face is this will be twisted against you- he doesn’t have problems at Dad’s, so clearly dad should have more custody! You need to tread very carefully because often children will let the stress out with the safer parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here he has an Dr's appointment next week for a yearly checkup I'll bring it up then . I try to only talk to ex at a minimum about our son and that's it . I've heard through mutual friends that they blame me for thier financial hardships . We have 50 50 custody I belive he needs both parents in his life . I pay all his insurance even though thier supposed to pay half I pay half of his schooling and buy most of his clothes. I unfortunately can't control what he hears from them .

The new girlfriend is mad money is leaving the house. She sounds immature. This scenario is the worst. Hold your ground. Teaxh yiur kid we don't keep secrets from our parents and anyone who asks you to is bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would his bed wetting at 5 be related to a relationship split when he was 2 months old? He has only ever known his parents as living in different houses.

Most 5 year olds know about secrets. But that isn’t here or there. If his behaviour is changing and he has started wetting the bed after being trained for 3 years, those are flags for concern. It could be the fighting if he is overhearing it needing to deal with the tension. There is no need to fight with an ex. Deal with him factually in writing. And I would follow up, maybe starting with your GP about the bed wetting.

Yeah..I’m not really connecting the dots here. And when say “We’ve been fighting more lately,” what does that mean? Are you screaming at each other in the driveway at drop off/pick up? Or is this limited to phone/text/email fighting that your son doesn’t witness or hear?

How do you know he is saying bad things about your to your son or trying to make him dislike you?

[Anonymous]

Did this start after the new partner entered the picture?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think joint custody is good for little kids except for rare circumstances where the parents are genuinely amicable and live very close to each other.

[Anonymous]

What is the current arrangement? Maybe it's too much back& forth which had worked fine since he was 2 mo old, but now as an ES-aged kid it might be time to reconsider.

Fwiw, it's not unusual for 5 yr olds to have bed wetting. Their bladders are still growing and sometimes it's hard for them to recognize fullness while in deep sleep.

Having said that, underlying stress and the subtle anxiety he picks up on can be a cause too.

[Anonymous]

Yeah..I’m not really connecting the dots here. And when say “We’ve been fighting more lately,” what does that mean? Are you screaming at each other in the driveway at drop off/pick up? Or is this limited to phone/text/email fighting that your son doesn’t witness or hear?

How do you know he is saying bad things about your to your son or trying to make him dislike you? op here I try to never say anything bad about his dad ever in front of our son. His dad has been trying to get more control over his preschool and has been trying to make medical decisions without telling me . I try to keep contact to a minimum and only communicate through text .

[Anonymous]

wetting the bed is likely caused by constipation pressure on the bladder
look up encopresis so that you are familiar with that condition
put the kid to sleep in a larger sized underwear at night to ease pressure on the bladder
doctor will likely advise change in diet to ease constipation
bad idea to go to the pediatrician, who is a mandatory reporter, and bring up emotional drama harming the child and your current failure to protect the child. rethink that strategy.

[Anonymous]

It’s a bit late now, but you should have kept child in one home and the two of you take turns in apartment and home. No new relationships introduced or around kid until after college. The problem now is the interfering new partner.

[Anonymous]

The best divorced couple situation we know is a 50 50 split one week one week. They have always been divorced. All the friends and parents know it is one week one week. The parents seem cordial. They used to do 2 birthdays.

One thing the mom does is she does not like her kids to go on play dates or random outings because for her, that weekend time is precious. I think it is causing resentment from the kid. He misses out on a lot of friend events when he is with the mom. When he is with his dad, dad seems willing to drop off and is also fine with other parents picking child up.

Both parents seem nice and want what is best for the kid.