How do you deal with the humiliation of labor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one whose first thought re labor is -- it's going to be humiliating? FTM (obviously). I have months to adjust to this (and don't want an elective c section, nor will I consider a home birth), but the idea of having my legs wide open, having everyone see everything, being in pain on top of that (even with the epidural -- I can't believe you feel nothing though it would be great if that's true), and having all kinds of drs, nurses etc. in the room, holding my legs -- it just seems over the top humiliating. I realize there is no other option, but still . . . I'm not sure how women go from being full dressed all/most of the time to baring it all in front of strangers, while DH is standing there fully clothed just watching. Is it just that necessity or adrenaline or something takes over, or did you feel bothered or embarrassed when someone lifted a gown or stuck a hand down there etc? I had to get an EKG earlier this week and the nurse was taking her time with the leads and during that time the dr. walked in and started saying hello and I was embarrassed then -- small potatoes compared to labor/pushing etc. Thoughts?

There are two things you lose when you check into a hospital--freedom and privacy. If you are in enough paid,believe me, you will not give a tinkler's dam about anything but stopping the pain. Also, the medical staff have seen so many naked women they don't even notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the pain starts, you don't give a f#*$

So true. I had planned to wear a cute super soft knee length robe for modesty during labor. Once the pain started anything touching my skin felt like fire ants and I ripped it off.

I gave birth completely naked.

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with most people on here. It is absolutely humiliating. I gave birth 3x. I’m not modest either (I wear bikinis and am adventurous in bed). I had a lot of trouble after my first birth dealing with it afterwards. Everyone said I wouldn’t care, so I had my mom with me. And I let my dad and in-laws be there while I was in labor. Humiliating. I felt like trash being in so much pain around everyone else who only cared about the baby. They even wanted me to have a c section so it wouldn’t take so long.

Next two times it was just dh and it was great. He was super into watching the actual pushing of the baby too (which I wasn’t crazy about him watching). I wish the nurses helped a bit more with modesty but they basically just kept stripping me naked nonstop and pulling blankets off. I was very aware of how exposed I was the entire time.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, those of you assuming your experience is universal need to stop. I'm glad you didn't mind the exposure and didn't feel humiliated. But telling women they are simply incorrect to feel the way they did, or that their feelings are not real, is unkind. Your experience is your experience. Stop projecting it on to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once the pain starts, you don't give a f#*$

So true. I had planned to wear a cute super soft knee length robe for modesty during labor. Once the pain started anything touching my skin felt like fire ants and I ripped it off.

I gave birth completely naked.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read through all the responses, but I did feel totally humiliated. So much so that I started crying and the doctor asked me if I was in too much pain, but it was really because I was so humiliated from being naked, pooping, just the whole thing.

+1 I didn't cry but I did feel humiliated.

??? You two need to let go of ridiculous social mores. They do not apply to the greatest moments in life.

People are built differently. I felt the way I felt. You telling me I was wrong for feeling that way doesn't change anything.

Np.

I think this has far more to do with “raised a different way / indoctrinated with different beliefs about women”
than just “built differently.”

[Anonymous]

If you have a slow, low risk labor and birth you won't see many doctors and nurses in your room all at the same time and you can request to be covered as much as possible.

If you have a dramatic birth that requires a lot of staff and for you to be not covered, your modesty will be very low on the list of things you care about at that moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read through all the responses, but I did feel totally humiliated. So much so that I started crying and the doctor asked me if I was in too much pain, but it was really because I was so humiliated from being naked, pooping, just the whole thing.

+1 I didn't cry but I did feel humiliated.

??? You two need to let go of ridiculous social mores. They do not apply to the greatest moments in life.

People are built differently. I felt the way I felt. You telling me I was wrong for feeling that way doesn't change anything.

Np.

I think this has far more to do with “raised a different way / indoctrinated with different beliefs about women”
than just “built differently.”

Listen, I get what you're saying, but you're being annoying. Brand new DP here, mother of three and radical leftist feminist at that. There is a dichotomy to birth. It is somehow the most humanizing and the most dehumanizing experience at the same time. You are going through this profound thing and everyone is there to support you but at the same time many of them are kind of looking right through you. And looking right through you at this moment where you are feeling so incredibly vulnerable and exposed.

I too was worried about this and for the most part I agree with others that by the time the day comes the events kind of sweep you along and it is a non issue, but I think we could do a lot better at being respectful of the mother's feelings as well. I, for example, was absolutely a basket case about the idea of a catheter. I don't know why but I was, the whole concept of it plagued me for the whole nine months. And when they were going to put it in, my mother, who is a doctor, was acting like I was a nutcase wanting everyone to leave the room. She had to be like forced out! And you know, it turns out it really WAS kind of a nonevent, but I still felt that, and on a day where my whole physical being was being subjected to new and unknown trauma, having these human moments of embarrassment and fear be overlooked and brushed under the rug was just another straw on the dehumanizing camel's back.

For me, the whole baby having experience was basically horrific. I had to go through multiple rounds of clomid at an RE (unsuccessful) to finally get pregnant only to promptly throw up for nine months and then I almost died. I have three kids and basically all of them kind of followed this trend to varying degrees of severity. Hospital stays, catching my pee in containers, giving blood every other day, examinations, ultrasounds galore of all varieties. Painting iodine on you, watching OBs literally lean on my stomach to push the baby out via c section. Being unable to poop afterwards and trying to manually loosen things up while recovering from abdominal surgery crying in my bathroom. Crying and lying on the floor after puking up everything I put in my mouth for three months. The whole thing IS IN FACT humiliating. It is also beautiful and life changing. It is the good the bad and the ugly. With the highest highs and lowest lows. Acting like seeing it for all that it is is just a symptom of misogyny is the real misogyny IMO. There was nothing about pregnancy that was the 'greatest moment of my life'. My children are the greatest thing I have ever done, and I am so proud of them and myself for not just creating but raising them, but pregnancy and birth were things I survived and endured and nothing more.

I think of this more like how marathoners' nipples start bleeding at mile 23 and losing toenails. It is unpleasant, but people still want to run them and sign up to do more because the totality of the experience is more than the ugly and embarrassing moments you have to endure to get to the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read through all the responses, but I did feel totally humiliated. So much so that I started crying and the doctor asked me if I was in too much pain, but it was really because I was so humiliated from being naked, pooping, just the whole thing.

+1 I didn't cry but I did feel humiliated.

??? You two need to let go of ridiculous social mores. They do not apply to the greatest moments in life.

People are built differently. I felt the way I felt. You telling me I was wrong for feeling that way doesn't change anything.

Np.

I think this has far more to do with “raised a different way / indoctrinated with different beliefs about women”
than just “built differently.”

Why tf are you talking to me about how I was raised? Sounds like you feel quite strongly about how women should behave and feel. Sorry not sorry I don't conform to how you want me to feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will feel so awful by then that you won't care, so long as you leave the hospital with a baby outside of you.

This. But the pooping part was the worst.

[Anonymous]

Gotta love how intolerant certain people are about how other people feel about their own experiences..you call yourselves feminists and that's absolutely disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. I am a person with ... issues and I had specific worries prior to my first birth. I was so comforted by the another-day-at-the-office attitude of the workers involved, that I didn't worry the second time around. It is a big deal for you, and you should do anything that makes you comfortable, but all those folks involved don't see much as a big deal.

[Anonymous]

You will not care, but depending on what kind of husband you have, you may feel he does not need to be there. In many cultures, the husband does not see or participate and there are valid reasons for this.

[Anonymous]

Any FTM worries about some aspect of delivery: will I need a c-section? Will my preferred OB be on call? You may be worrying generally and focusing on humiliation.

For me, normal inhibitions went out the window. So when the anesthesiologist started to walk away w/o giving me an epidural, I barked at him, “Where do you think you’re going?” I never talk to anyone like that. ( I was fully dilated faster than expected after Pitocin and had no painkiller for L&D.)

Childbirth will bring lots of new experiences. You may be surprised that humiliation isn’t one of them.

But no one needs to bring an entourage into L&D. And if you don’t want students observing, you can say so.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Modesty goes completely out the window in labor. You'll see.

This!