How do you deal with the humiliation of labor?

[Anonymous]

With my third, baby came 6 days early and on her own (my other two were scheduled inductions) and so I hadn't actually ever gone into labor naturally before.

Baby came SO fast (went from 1.5 cm at 11 AM to 10 cm by 4 PM) and I barely made it to the hospital in time.

When they wheeled me into the room, there was a flood of nurses (4 or 5, I can't remember exactly how many during the blur), but one of them just grabbed my shoes off, ripped off my pants and undies and then I was just full spread on the bed 🤣🤣

Baby was born less than 20 minutes later and I had no time for an epidural 😫

I later had to go back to the hospital for my baby's blood work and one of the nurses that day (I think it was the one who ripped my pants off 🤣) said, oh yeah I remember you 😆😆

They've also done this so many times and yes, while there are some variations of size, shape, and color, we all have the same parts and I don't think they care AT ALL so don't get too much on your own head about it.

Wishing you a safe and speedy delivery!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the pain starts, you don't give a f#*$

This but also you really feel nothing with the epidural. I had massive tearing and my vag swelled up as big as a football from the trauma so that made me not care as much about the pile of crap that was on the bed when I got up to pee and lost of tons of blood and fainted. I was begging them just to let me wipe my a$$ but they were like no you fainted so they had to hold on to me. Yes it was humiliating but this is literally what they do every single day. They do not care. I pushed for 3 hours and even DH was tired from holding my leg. Yeah no kidding try doing the work. You just get over it. I’m very modest, don’t even pee with friends in the room and it just is what it is. You have to get the baby out and you will care much more that the baby is healthy than that people are staring at your vag. When pushing it was mostly just DH and one nurse. My mom wanted to be in there, but I refused beforehand. After 2 hours of pushing I was begging for her to come in. I also felt zero pain. I got the epidural when I was maybe 4cm because they were going to be busy in surgery and I didn’t want to miss my chance. No pain. Zero and it was a sunny side up baby with back labor. Don’t worry I promise you won’t care. It’s a means to an end.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I did find labor humiliating. I didn't like being so exposed, I resented the people coming and going, I felt judged. I do think actually giving birth is amazing and empowering, but my actual, individual experience felt humiliating and incredibly vulnerable in a not safe way.

Just throwing this out there in case anyone else felt that way too. It's good to hear all these empowered stories of not caring, pushing past it, etc. But I didn't. I'm a reserved person, I carry a lot of shame from abuse and neglect in my childhood, I didn't have very supportive people around me, and I didn't like it. I wish it had been different.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read through all the responses, but I did feel totally humiliated. So much so that I started crying and the doctor asked me if I was in too much pain, but it was really because I was so humiliated from being naked, pooping, just the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not care once it gets under way and the doctors, nurses, residents, med students have seen it so many times, yours is just one more vagina.

And it looks at its most unedifying during delivery.

Do you mean unappealing? Because I think watching a birth is quite edifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read through all the responses, but I did feel totally humiliated. So much so that I started crying and the doctor asked me if I was in too much pain, but it was really because I was so humiliated from being naked, pooping, just the whole thing.

+1 I didn't cry but I did feel humiliated.

[Anonymous]

Ha ha ha!!!

Doctors and nurses have seen it all. Heck, a lot of them have given birth themselves.

And truly, when the moment comes, Nature will kick in, and you won't give a rat's behind about any of this. Your entire body and brain will work together to push out the baby. There won't be room for any other thought. Labor and delivery is the hugest deal a woman's body can naturally do, apart from being born and dying.

Instead of focusing on weird social points, watch birth videos, or read about the stages of birth in detail, and learn to control your breathing. It's the best gift you can give to yourself. If you can, do yoga up until the birth. It will keep you limber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read through all the responses, but I did feel totally humiliated. So much so that I started crying and the doctor asked me if I was in too much pain, but it was really because I was so humiliated from being naked, pooping, just the whole thing.

+1 I didn't cry but I did feel humiliated.

??? You two need to let go of ridiculous social mores. They do not apply to the greatest moments in life.

[Anonymous]

You might consider a birth center birth. You’re given a lot more control over some of the decisions about clothing, what you do in labor, etc. I didn’t have one myself, I gave birth in a hospital, but I felt much more control during my second birth and it was a better experience. I know I’m probably weird but I preferred my non-epi experience to having the epidural, the epidural made me feel like a patient.

I felt a lot of awe about birth. I hope you can feel some of that.

[Anonymous]

I think you also have to understand how unbothered medical professionals are by these things. It might be a big day for you but for them it's just a Thursday. They've seen thousands of people go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might consider a birth center birth. You’re given a lot more control over some of the decisions about clothing, what you do in labor, etc. I didn’t have one myself, I gave birth in a hospital, but I felt much more control during my second birth and it was a better experience. I know I’m probably weird but I preferred my non-epi experience to having the epidural, the epidural made me feel like a patient.

I felt a lot of awe about birth. I hope you can feel some of that.

I am one of the people who felt humiliated, and this is what I'd do if I had another baby (I'm not going to, but it's what I'd do). Here is what I'd change and I think it would make a difference:

1) I would pay more attention to the culture of the L&D ward or birth center. I gave birth at a teaching hospital (GW, not the midwives). I really, really liked my OB and I had a good experience at my doctor's office during pregnancy. But I HATED having med students in the delivery room. Part of it was the timing of when I gave birth (late July, med students start internships in July so I got total newbies). The rest of the staff does a good job and my L&D nurse was an amazing human I will be grateful to for the rest of my life, but if I could go back and not have a couple baby doctors wandering around my delivery room, I would.

2) I would hire a doula. The main reason I didn't was that the two I met with, I just did not gel with at all and I didn't want to have someone there whose personality was going to grate or who seemed to have different goals than I did. I should have tried harder, I would make this a priority. I only had my husband who normally is a comfort, and he was a comfort, but he was scared and uncomfortable and had no idea what to do. He did a great job getting me ice chips and was very helpful after our DC was born, but during labor he was in way over his head and I needed someone else there. I would not want my mom there and don't have a friend or sister I would want either, so doula was the way to go for me and I should have committed to it.

3) Listen to music or an audio book during labor, instead of scrolling my phone. Again, this was partly a timing thing -- my labor happened during a very politically tumultuous moment in the US. I had a long labor plus the ward was super busy, so we just had a lot of downtime. I couldn't read, I didn't feel like watching television, I wound up just scrolling my phone or talking to my husband. It was not good vibes. I was also texting a bit with some friends and family which was okay but still not relaxing. If I did it again, I'd bring a good playlist and a really engaging audiobook (my choice would be the Lord of the Rings narrated by Andy Circus). Something that might actually distract me without making my mind feel tense and chaotic.

None of this helps the fact that you are naked in stirrups with total strangers trying to give birth and pooping on the table. But I think these changes would have helped me feel less *humiliated* and unsupported.

Also after it was all over, my husband would refer to the experience as "gross" or "disgusting" until I read him the riot act and explained how incredibly disrespectful and upsetting that was for me. He stopped. Men, if you are reading this: if your wife is giving birth or has given birth, that experience is impressive and awesome. It is not "gross." You don't get to complain about how gross it is or how you were grossed out by your wife's body going through something that would KILL YOU if it happened to you, and as a result you get to be a father, one of the single most meaningful and special relationships of a person's life. Only talk about it with admiring and supportive words. If you think it's gross or disgusting, you go get yourself a f***ing therapist and you work out those feelings in private with that person. Your wife doesn't want to hear it. Shut up.