Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

No it’s not. Stop fixating and try to listen. This is not black & white like you hope everything is.

Quiet and hitting a relationship is knowing you, and especially the kids, have all bad options so you are picking the least bad option. And are ceasing to prop up your deadweight husband. All his poor comms, poor parenting, poor executive functioning, poor relationships are now his to deal with. You are no longer covering them up or fixing them up. Dropping the rope.

The idiot will be too egotistical to notice or ask why. Because he knows the answer is he’s a $hithead.

Do be ready for him to wonder why he’s not getting held up any longer, then hit the Easy Button, leave, and play the victim to any sucker who will listen:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

Hilarious!

You think changing my “perspective on life” is going to fix the broken garage door or help my dyslexic child or meal plan/cook, or plot out summer camps/ trips, or provide decent childcare so I can unpack the house??!

Meanwhile the other do-nothing parent freeloads, hides in his home office, ignores his children, eats dinner in 3 minutes, then walks off “to relax” and pass out by 8:30pm watching Netflix. Daily.

No emotions needed. He’s a deadweight. Lots of non-emotional data and camera feeds to back that up. Or ask the kids.

You seem to have taken that post personally, when it reads like a generalization of multiple posts. Your husband does sound completely checked out and frustrating, but the hate you have requires a change in perspective or marital status, if you don’t want ulcers or a heart attack.

Lolz.

U still parroting back that same bad line. Fix your attitude? Change your perspective? That’s for minor $hit, this is major $hit. Action is needed. At a minimum radical acceptable and then ignore the loser liability entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can stop doing it all and they don’t care. It’s no skin off their azz if it’s done or not.
Their little universe will keep spinning and it’s yours that somehow gets even worse.

Bathroom filthy? So what?

He’s out of clean underwear? He’ll get same day delivery from Prime.

Kids need to get their teeth cleaned? Sorry, the only medical attention the kids will ever get is emergency care in the case of a broken bone or stitches.

Birthday gifts? What are those?

True.

That’s why you need to minimize them and any potential (usually negative) impact they make on any family member. Hire Nannies forever, housekeepers, drivers, cooks, tutors, planners. Take vacations with normal friends & family. Tell them they’re awesome and you’re busy. And you are busy- you’re the mother, father, house manager, asset manager, repair person, therapist, child whisperer, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

Thanks. OP here. So many similarities. It's like future me saying everything will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, just get a divorce. What is the point of all this drama?

Coparenting with divorced deadbeat = no drama?

Said no one ever.

You’re right, no one said that.

But it’s certainly less drama than this passive aggressive TikTok brain bull$hit.

[Anonymous]

I worked with a child psychologist prior to quiet quitting, and kids don't really care if parents are affectionate with each other. Kids just need an intact, low-conflict home, if that's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

$10k/month and assets worth couple of millions I think you are okay. In most cases divorce is not a bad deal for women. The courts will lobby for them so they come out financially ahead,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

$10k/month and assets worth couple of millions I think you are okay. In most cases divorce is not a bad deal for women. The courts will lobby for them so they come out financially ahead,

Yeah, if I'd known how it would turn out, I hope I would have prioritized my own well-being and left myself. I don't blame myself - we do our best with what we know at the time. And survival instincts are powerful stuff. But I should have had at least realized how unhealthy and unfair my marriage was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

Ha, I'm the poster girl for this. My ex did workouts and coffee with friends every single morning, happy hours and concerts most nights of the week, solo trips and guys' trips and festivals every weekend. (I honestly think he has some kind of dopamine deficit issue.)

A year and a half ago he suddenly walked out on me for another woman. I was devastated and confused, and scared, as a SAHM with a chronic illness. Thankfully, he felt guilty, I guess. And now I get $10k/month for life, plus I have assets worth a couple million. A friend actually had to say to me . . . "Wait, so you don't have to deal with a man, and you don't have to worry about money, this sounds . . . amazing?" And I was like, oh yeah, sniffle, you think so?

But as I've peeled back the layers on all the overfunctioning and shit-sandwich-eating I was doing, I cannot believe how much I have lucked out. Today I actually had a conversation with my mother about his affair-partner-turned-girlfriend in which I said, "I mean, no one should do these things for another adult. She shouldn't have to do these things for him. But it's better for my children that someone is doing them. And I am so glad it's not me." She said, "Yes, I think he needs someone to take care of him." I said, "No, he needs to stop drinking. Then he could take care of himself."

We have 60/40 custody and I cannot believe how much more free time I have (since I started with zero). 40% of my nights free is so many nights! And just doing my laundry and the kids is so much easier. Buying Christmas presents just from me instead of from "Mommy and Daddy" . . . everything is so easy. And then they come back from Christmas crying about how he screwed it up and happy to have "real Christmas" with me, and I say "I know babies" and then we snuggle on the couch together (I have two teenaged daughters).

Really the only thing he was providing me that I'm not getting now is sex, and that will be easy to find when I'm ready. And despite his high income he's a black hole of mysterious spending and is always borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am saving so much money each month.

I'm not just eating bon bons and spending all my money on hats. I'm doing all the parenting. And I'm still grieving in a lot of ways. I'm still sad that the person I had kids with is just gone. He would have been heartbroken to know how he was going to ruin his relationship with his kids.

But I'm glad that they are seeing toxic and dysfunctional behavior for what it is. I'm not whitewashing his sins any more. He's standing (well, falling on his arse) on his own.

$10k/month and assets worth couple of millions I think you are okay. In most cases divorce is not a bad deal for women. The courts will lobby for them so they come out financially ahead,

Yeah, if I'd known how it would turn out, I hope I would have prioritized my own well-being and left myself. I don't blame myself - we do our best with what we know at the time. And survival instincts are powerful stuff. But I should have had at least realized how unhealthy and unfair my marriage was.

Did you get alimony through court or he agreed? And could you share his income/state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Different poster. In terms of the housework, it really isn’t about the laundry. It’s about empathy.

If the guy working 60-80 hours a week recognized that his wife was doing all of the things, told her that he didn’t want her to be exhausted because it isn’t healthy, and they got on care.com and Craigslist and worked together to hire a housekeeper 3-5 days a week, then that would help. If she just hires the housekeeper on her own and manages that person, it still feels *to her* like she’s handling everything.
I mean, you can imagine a guy who works 80 hours a week and feels bad that he isn’t home more vs a guy who feels that he has the most important job and feels that he shouldn’t have to do anything at home.


And when it comes to parenting kids it’s that kids need their other parent. The OP is one person. She has gaps in her knowledge and skills when it comes to raising kids. We all do. Ideally, the other parent would be another layer of Swiss cheese, and stacked on top of one another it would reduce the gaps. Instead, most of the time he’s not there at all, and when he is, instead of layering on top and jumping in to systems already in place, he keeps taking bites out of the other person’s cheese! wanting more for himself, and making the holes even bigger.

I get that part of what makes these guys great at their jobs is this belief that he can do anything. These are those guys that, in the movies, defy the odds and succeed despite the naysayers. But they also need to recognize reality and see where they are falling short. If you are working 80 hours a week, you are not doing things that need to be done with the house and the kids because you aren’t physically present to do them.

Going back to the housekeeper. If these guys can recognize that they are letting their family down in some way, make peace with that, and take steps to rectify the situation, and hiring a housekeeper or the wife working less is part of that, then great. If he isn’t willing to admit that he is failing at home, and the narrative is that he is doing his part but that his wife can’t hack it, then hiring help isn’t going to help the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking back, are there any red flags when you were dating? Lessons we could pass along to our sons and daughters.

Yes.

We met in professional school. He relied on the structure of professional school socializing for a life outside of studying. He wasn’t proactive socially and took advantage of the effort of others. Same in situations like study groups or cooperative projects. He was mild-mannered and nice so people didn’t question it, me included.

Big procrastinator about anything that wasn’t fun after we graduated but were still dating. There was always something work-related that took precedent but it was sort of ok because we were hustling to build our careers. He relied on a future provider image to cover the fact that he was a taker or just lazy in the present.

Kind of mean about money in a way that was confusing. Would spend generously on friends’ wedding presents, group trips, public gifts for family. But was nickel and dime-y about splitting expenses even when we had a difference in salaries or even if I had been more generous about a previous expense.

And this is embarrassing, but selfish in bed. I took it as assertive at first and thought I just needed to communicate my needs more or something. Or that we were still getting to know what we each needed. That selfishness was indicative of literally everything that happened later.

I don’t know that I would have seen any of this as red flags other than maybe being selfish in bed. But I can see how you could easily interpret that as a lack of communication.

[Anonymous]

Just gonna make it worse, if it that’s bad you two shouldn’t be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking back, are there any red flags when you were dating? Lessons we could pass along to our sons and daughters.

Yes.

We met in professional school. He relied on the structure of professional school socializing for a life outside of studying. He wasn’t proactive socially and took advantage of the effort of others. Same in situations like study groups or cooperative projects. He was mild-mannered and nice so people didn’t question it, me included.

Big procrastinator about anything that wasn’t fun after we graduated but were still dating. There was always something work-related that took precedent but it was sort of ok because we were hustling to build our careers. He relied on a future provider image to cover the fact that he was a taker or just lazy in the present.

Kind of mean about money in a way that was confusing. Would spend generously on friends’ wedding presents, group trips, public gifts for family. But was nickel and dime-y about splitting expenses even when we had a difference in salaries or even if I had been more generous about a previous expense.

And this is embarrassing, but selfish in bed. I took it as assertive at first and thought I just needed to communicate my needs more or something. Or that we were still getting to know what we each needed. That selfishness was indicative of literally everything that happened later.

I don’t know that I would have seen any of this as red flags other than maybe being selfish in bed. But I can see how you could easily interpret that as a lack of communication.

Seriously? The sex thing was the only flag you found?

"He wasn’t proactive socially"
"[He] took advantage of the effort of others."
"Same in situations like study groups or cooperative projects."
"Big procrastinator about anything that wasn’t fun after we graduated"
"There was always something work-related that took precedent"
"He relied on a future provider image to cover the fact that he was a taker or just lazy in the present"
"Kind of mean about money in a way that was confusing. Would spend generously on friends... But was nickel and dime-y about splitting expenses even when we had"


I would not even consider adopting a dog with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

Not doing things with contempt and out of resentment implies passive aggression and keeping score, but maybe I am reading into it. I would have to delete those calendar reminders purposely and I said nothing about domestic duties. I was referring to the idea of purposely quiet quitting in a relationship which doesn’t have to be about domestic duties. You can quiet quitting by working less hours or doing less at work or by not initiating sex with your spouse. You seem to have strong opinions on my character and relationship with zero knowledge, being psychic and wrong must be awesome.

Again, simple projection. Who said not doing things out of “contempt”? Only you. By not taking on those tasks and the emotional labour associated, she is literally “working less hours”.

Not doing something =/= passive aggressive. You are adding words and flavour to suit your narrative, but that’s not OPs.