Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d rather give her the laptop and buy myself a brand new one (even the exact one). Do not give that leech any money.

OP here. I know she wants the money. She's helping my sibling with some things and has another financial obligation that recently came about, none of those have anything to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it’s an incredible waste of money to sign up for an SAT or ACT tutoring service. Khan Academy is free and there are other free options. The only thing a $2000 SAT tutoring service does is make your unmotivated child sit there and do it.

For the demand from your mother to pay her back for the gift she gave you, you should see if she did indeed spend $1000 for it. It very well could be a $300-$500 on sale or close out or fenced item. Honestly, I would tell her that you are shocked she is asking for a gift reimbursement and to in the future not get you gifts. Personally, I wouldn’t refund her but if you do don’t do it without receipts. I’d bet she is padding the amount to hand over more money to your sister.

My answer would depend somewhat on whether family members bailed you out when you were down and out.

Give your mother the laptop back. Tell your sister and anyone else who expects money, “I’m not in a position to be able to contribute to your finances.” No further explanation needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not share your salary, your job title, your promotions, your new purchases, your vacation information. Nothing regarding money. Nothing.

I know you want to share, you are proud of yourself (you should be), and want them to be proud of you. But to them you are a bank. You cannot get ahead with your debt and other lifestyle wants if you allow them to cross this boundary, be co-dependent, and so emeshed.

I have BTDT. My two siblings constantly asked me for money. My mother asks me for money (a lot of money). In the past I helped them out of guilt, but it just never had an end in sight so I started saying no. There was anger on their part, but I have my own debt, my own kids, my own mortgage to pay. I work super hard. I had had enough.

I was very hurt by the way they treated me after I started saying no. But it showed me how they really viewed me . As $$$$$$.

It doesn't matter if it is cultural. You are under no obligation. Talk to your friends about your good fortunes, vacation, new job. Do not share with your family. It is what it is, you know it, It sucks but that's the deal.

I had to stop sharing vacation photos on social media or in group texts to any of my in-laws, including MIL and FIL. Now they get nothing from me. Every time they saw pictures of us happy and enjoying what we've earned, they call with a handout and a sob story. Less sharing has helped lessen their requests.

OP here, I've luckily dwindled down on social media posting. Mostly because I've become more of a private person the older I get. Plus, as I've moved up the financial ladder, people have wondered how I've been able to do certain activities.

Not posting on social media or looking at social media is emotionally protective. Social media is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it’s an incredible waste of money to sign up for an SAT or ACT tutoring service. Khan Academy is free and there are other free options. The only thing a $2000 SAT tutoring service does is make your unmotivated child sit there and do it.

For the demand from your mother to pay her back for the gift she gave you, you should see if she did indeed spend $1000 for it. It very well could be a $300-$500 on sale or close out or fenced item. Honestly, I would tell her that you are shocked she is asking for a gift reimbursement and to in the future not get you gifts. Personally, I wouldn’t refund her but if you do don’t do it without receipts. I’d bet she is padding the amount to hand over more money to your sister.

My answer would depend somewhat on whether family members bailed you out when you were down and out.

Give your mother the laptop back. Tell your sister and anyone else who expects money, “I’m not in a position to be able to contribute to your finances.” No further explanation needed.

Yes, my family did help me, which I then improved my financial situation(moved up in my career). My sister for example just expects hand outs and doesn't have the motivation to do better. Dropped out of college, hopped from retail to customer service jobs(many times just walking out and never coming back), continues to have children, etc. She doesn't really have a plan for the future. I don't want to give money to someone who isn't going to level up.

And for my mom, I don't mind giving her money(if she were to visit and I'd pay for her or just give her money on holidays, etc), but to ask payment for something that was clearly a gift is outrageous! The laptop was purchased this summer and she now wants money because she assumes that I'll have it.

[Anonymous]

OP you're adding to the problem if you don't think, don't recognize that their behavior is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prepared for this

I asked them for their own bank account statements and records of credit card expenses for things they spend their money on.

So far they think that's a wildly intrusive request, even as they want my money.

This is actually brilliant PP! And fair. If someone is happy to take your money than they should also be willing to share their information with you. It is the cost of taking your money. Brilliant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you're adding to the problem if you don't think, don't recognize that their behavior is weird.

I know it's weird behavior, which is why I made the post. I want to avoid or at least minimize the issue in the future as I really need to focus on my personal financial goals.

[Anonymous]

But you think the money you got is different than a handout. They may not think that.
How much did you get?
Pay them back $100 a month and nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

I thought you were talking about people in Alcoholics Anonymous.

[Anonymous]

This is dysfunctional enmeshment. Dysfunctional families treat your losses like your losses, but your wins like they are their wins. When you hit a rough patch, they scatter, but when you hit a winning streak, they reappear and want a piece of it. They will try to guilt you and tell you how family is sacrifice. What they don't tell you is that they've made YOU the sacrifice. Just say no to all of it.

[Anonymous]

Given your age and debt, you need to go full Dave Ramsey. You really need to fund retirement pre tax up to the max, pay off all debt, and save a robust er fund for the next medical emergency or job loss. You can use YNAB to allocate all of this. I promise you do not have as much disposable income with the new job as you think and you need to use the extra to protect your future. Good luck and congratulations on the new job!

[Anonymous]

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here, but I’m not sure OP yet gets her dire financial situation. Chronic health issues and multiple job losses. And she says she stopped posting on social media because she didn’t want her family to see what she is spending money on. That tells me you are spending way too much. I’m generally okay with the grooming and gym expenses but do read Dave Ramsey and tackle your debt and your retirement savings like your life spends on it. You indeed should be living like a pauper until your debt is paid off, your retirement is in decent shape, you have decently large savings (I think you should aim for at least 6-months of living expenses given your health issues and history of job losses) and until you can buy a house/condo.

I think spending money you don’t have on the SAT prep class is a bad idea. If your niece can’t self-study (Khan has live/zoom video small groups and I think one-on-one connect i points with a tutor), why do you think she’s ready to go off to a competitive college? She might be better off doing community college for a year to learn independent habits. Why don’t you tell her that you just found about this awesome program that Khan has and that you will help work with her on it. And if she does well, you will put that money towards her college deposit or similar.

I also think you should pay your mom back for a reasonably priced laptop. Tell her that you are appreciative of her help with that purchase when you needed it, but that you realize that your own financial situation is not strong and that you are going to be 100% focused on getting yourself out of debt so you won’t be able to help again.

And lastly, you admitted that your family has terrible money management skills so any $ you give them is literally just like lighting fire to it. Just picture that fire when you think about giving money to them. Stop the cycle now with your better financial habits and abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your age and debt, you need to go full Dave Ramsey. You really need to fund retirement pre tax up to the max, pay off all debt, and save a robust er fund for the next medical emergency or job loss. You can use YNAB to allocate all of this. I promise you do not have as much disposable income with the new job as you think and you need to use the extra to protect your future. Good luck and congratulations on the new job!

+1. You are spending a lot on yourself, OP. Between gyms, living alone, beauty, etc. I’m not saying it’s not justified - that’s for you to decide. What you should reflect on is that even without gifts to your family you are spending a lot. You need to go through all your spending and identify where you can cut out items, stretch things longer, or swap for less expensive options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should tell your mom you will pay her back in four installments over the course of the next year. Interest free. Consider the interest your gift.

Give her a box of chocolates for Christmas.

as for your comment here "beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly."

what are these things? I get a haircut every two months. That's it. Really examine what you are spending money on and decide whether it is worth it. For example, manicures? Not worth it. Cut them short and put either no or zero polish on them. Painted or long or fake nails or viewed as tacky the higher you go up the career ladder. Elaborate nails are for support staff, not executives.

I'm a Black woman. Image is a bit different for us, unfortunately. I always wear natural nails, not long, but they are always painted (a work-appropriate color) since I'm a biter. If they aren't painted, then I'll bite them (sad, but true). My hair is always done professionally, which is $200 monthly. I've taken care of those things on my current salary with no issue. Health wise, due to my medical issues, I may splurge on massages, a gym membership, etc. I don't want to elaborate on what my health issues are so as not to out myself, but I need to have access to a few machines that aren't available in my apartment gym. Those are non negotiables for me.

Glad you are exercising, but the necessity of $200 hair and manicured nails are "thinking poor" mentalities. This is why AAs don't build wealth, even with the same salary.

I'm a retired former "executive". Most successful women where I worked never wasted time on nails or, god forbid, having their eye brows tinted, shaved, whatever. Focusing on those trivial things makes you look trivial and unprofessional. My guess is that you feel like you are better off than the rest of us think you are because you are comparing yourself to your family. Set your goals higher than that.