How to support friend who found out her partner is cheating?

[Anonymous]

My close friend just learned that her partner is cheating on her. She is very sad, not wanting to get out of bed, etc. How do I support her without overstepping and being in the way? I am the only person she has told about it. She hasn’t made any decisions yet on next steps.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. It's rough. She's grieving. Check-in texts, offer help with kids (if any), bring dinner over, movie night together, listening. Lots of active, engaged listening. Gently suggest therapy and offer help to find a highly recommended one. And then give her space and time.

[Anonymous]

Listen without judgement
Refrain from sharing what you would do -- unless asked of course
Offer to assist with anything (schedule permitting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My close friend just learned that her partner is cheating on her. She is very sad, not wanting to get out of bed, etc. How do I support her without overstepping and being in the way? I am the only person she has told about it. She hasn’t made any decisions yet on next steps.

Can you start asking around for attorney recommendations for her so that if/when she's ready to take that step you can say "here are 5 attorneys you could speak with." It sucks to be blindsided. My discovery unraveled in slow motion so when I finally got confirmation I was able to not take to my bed but it is so deeply painful. She probably doesn't want to hear right now that he's a POS so unless she says it, don't bring it up. See if she will go have lunch or dinner with you or just get out of the house and go for a walk. And just be there as a supportive ear. Check in regularly. You are a thoughtful friend.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. This is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Partner or spouse?

[Anonymous]

Support your friend but don’t badmouth the cheater since you don’t know what her final decision will be.

[Anonymous]

Is she married? If not, this is much easier to deal with. Just end it.

[Anonymous]

And just listen. I would not offer advice.

[Anonymous]

There's a good chance that your friend will stay with him so be very careful about not demonizing him. If she stays with him, but she told you everything along the way there's a very good chance she will distance herself as a friend, from you. You're the one friend who knew of her humiliation and she might not want to be reminded of it if she ends up staying with him.

[Anonymous]

Been through this. Just listen right now. Don't offer advice and don't demonize him. Like a pp said, there is a good chance she'll stay with him. See if you can support her in other ways. Grocery shop, help with the kids, have her come stay with you for a few days, etc. Just be there for her and take her lead. That's all she needs right now.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT talk about it to anyone else, not even under the guise of needing support for how to help her. No one.

[Anonymous]

Are they married?

Kids?

[Anonymous]

Thanks all! They are not married but do have children. I’ll be sure not to offer advice and just be a good listener. I certainly would never badmouth her partner, but I do tend to share my opinion on things so I will be extra mindful of that. Love the idea of providing distractions for her as appropriate.

To the PP who said she may distance herself from me if she decides to stay, I will keep that in mind. I hope she knows that I would never judge her for staying or leaving, but it is good to be aware of any possible outcome. I just want to support her as best as I can in this season!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT talk about it to anyone else, not even under the guise of needing support for how to help her. No one.

Thank you. I certainly won’t share with anyone as my friend isn’t a huge sharer anyway so I know how important it is to keep this to myself.

She tends to withdraw and deal with things alone, so I am hesitant on what to do and when. This thread has been helpful!