AuDHD/gifted 9-yr old behavior escalating

[Anonymous]

My 9-yr-old son who is AuDHD (autistic level 1) and gifted has been in an escalated state for over a month. If he gets out of his positive, regulated state where he has positive behavior and is happy, ect. then it is incredibly difficult to support him in getting back to that point and it can last for weeks or months. He is disruptive nearly every morning and many evenings. He chases after his little bro (6 yr old) and targets him and me (mom). He uses a loud, threatening voice to scare his brother, opens/slams doors and corners him so he can't get dressed, knocks him down, hits him, ect. (but usually doesn't actually leave any marks on him) but does this to disrupt everyone during the morning routine. My DH take the kids to before school care and leave 7:10 (closer to 7:15-20 now which makes him late) and I go directly to work but can literally not begin getting myself dressed at all until they have left the house, which makes me late.

His little brother is often extremely afraid of him and is MUCH smaller. This morning, my DH was taking the kids to school & had to go in over an hour late because no bus and so I had to get ready and went to my bedroom and cut the door to change. My 9yr old repeatedly began trying to open the door taunting me and I asked him to stop and then had to lock the door. He proceeded to bang hard on my door, yelling 'stupid mom, stupid, stupid - hahahaha". Then as I'm still trying to quickly get dressed, I hear my younger son crying out and asking his brother to stop. I found them in the living room with my 6-yr-old cornered and my 9-yr-old towering over him with child's scissors pointed in his face with clipping motions threatening to cut his hair. I yelled and grabbed him, pulling him quickly away from his little brother. It was horrifying!!

My 9 yr old also got suspended from the bus Friday afternoon and all today (Monday) which I learned Friday afternoon. This is after he received several referrals over the past few months including one from Thursday afternoon for making noises, farting and wafting it towards others and making mean jokes, putting his feet up on the seat. It had been a few weeks since he received a referral after I had to take off work to meet with his principal and try out other accommodations including using a fidget, changing who was near him on the bus, & access to a book. He said that he's just bored and tired by that point and I offered noise-canceling headphones and he said no, he doesn't want to be made fun of.

My son has a 504 plan in school, is making straight A's and apparently has actually been doing great in his academic classes the past few weeks . He is supposed to be participating in a social skills group at school, goes to therapy weekly, karate, and cub scouts. He receives medication and we just increased his anxiety meds maybe a week ago. I have him on every OT waitlist possible (2 year long waitlist in my area) and I have implemented everything I can to support his sensory needs, support regulation, and develop empathy. I'm just exhausted and I reached out again to his therapist and I will join in a session tomorrow morning but I'm so tired. It's absolutely constant now and my ability to cope is quickly reducing. I increased my own anxiety meds to deal with him but this is incessant, no one could cope with this 24/7. I don't know what else to do.

When he's not in one of his vicious, dysregulated cycles....he can be a generally delightful child. I have not figured out exactly what triggers one of these cycles.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. Begin keeping a log of what seems to trigger these events and the details around them. Consider having him seen for food allergy testing. It does affect some kids like this.

You must make a safety plan for your younger child. Lock up all sharp objects, and don’t leave him in a room with the older boy. You will need to sit with your husband and plan your mornings so that the kids are not alone for even a minute. You might need to get up very early to shower and be ready before you get the kids up. Your son trying to get your attention in the morning means he wants to connect, but doesn’t know how. Can you get an indoor swing for him to use to get sensory issues met? Look up sensory regulation strategies for home.

The younger boy probably needs therapy, too. You might consider family therapy to help you manage this. Try to take each child one on one with a parent for time alone each weekend.

And if he is mean to the little brother tell him next time he will have to give up one of his toys for a day for his brother to have, because he owes him restitution for the bullying. Explain this clearly ahead of time and remind him. You can post family rules on the fridge and include that.

[Anonymous]

Try ABA, it’s covered by insurance for children with an ADS diagnose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try ABA, it’s covered by insurance for children with an ADS diagnose.

I meant ASD diagnose

[Anonymous]

haven’t you gotten ABA or behavioral therapy and parenting therapy? These are extremely disruptive and violent behaviors at home and he needs behavioral modification put into place. Please don’t try to claim he has “PDA” and you cannot discipline him at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. This is really hard. I know the PP is being snarky, so I'll ask in seriousness - does he have PDA? ODD? Are the outbursts related to being told to do or not do something, or more generally happening throughout the day?

The morning sounds like a particular trigger time and stressful for everyone. My guess is that he is feeling anxiety about school and maybe subconsciously trying to get into enough trouble to avoid or delay it (?). Can you take some of the pressure off? Can you take one kid to school and your partner take the other? Can you be late for work and maybe also school for a week or two? It sounds to me like he needs one of you adults to be with him the entire morning, so that may mean getting up earlier so you can get dressed and attend to your own needs. He cannot be left alone or with your other kid while I get ready - at least not right now.

What have you tried? Positive rewards for getting out of the house on time and not engaging in certain behavior? Could he take his ADHD meds earlier in the morning- maybe that's contributing to getting off track? Is his anxiety med dose at the level it should be?

You also need to proof your home. All sharp objects get locked away. Anything he could throw and really hurt someone with gets put away. Etc.

And the younger kid needs to be supervised, too. He cannot be left alone with the brother.

Are there stressors at school? Influences from videos or other kids? My kid had a very very hard time around this age, too - some of it might be stress of social environment getting harder and more confusing for someone with ASD at this age. Work closely with the therapist and be honest about everything that is happening. Come up with some plans together. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Residential care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Residential care.

that is QUITE the jump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. This is really hard. I know the PP is being snarky, so I'll ask in seriousness - does he have PDA? ODD? Are the outbursts related to being told to do or not do something, or more generally happening throughout the day?

The morning sounds like a particular trigger time and stressful for everyone. My guess is that he is feeling anxiety about school and maybe subconsciously trying to get into enough trouble to avoid or delay it (?). Can you take some of the pressure off? Can you take one kid to school and your partner take the other? Can you be late for work and maybe also school for a week or two? It sounds to me like he needs one of you adults to be with him the entire morning, so that may mean getting up earlier so you can get dressed and attend to your own needs. He cannot be left alone or with your other kid while I get ready - at least not right now.

What have you tried? Positive rewards for getting out of the house on time and not engaging in certain behavior? Could he take his ADHD meds earlier in the morning- maybe that's contributing to getting off track? Is his anxiety med dose at the level it should be?

You also need to proof your home. All sharp objects get locked away. Anything he could throw and really hurt someone with gets put away. Etc.

And the younger kid needs to be supervised, too. He cannot be left alone with the brother.

Are there stressors at school? Influences from videos or other kids? My kid had a very very hard time around this age, too - some of it might be stress of social environment getting harder and more confusing for someone with ASD at this age. Work closely with the therapist and be honest about everything that is happening. Come up with some plans together. Good luck.

OP here - He was only diagnosed with ASD the end of July and is on EVERY waitlist for ABA and OT in my area but the waitlist is 2 years. He is actually doing great in school and doing well after-school as well. He is mostly struggling at home and has had a few relatively small incidents on the bus (nothing aggressive but more not listening to instructions, moving around, and being disruptive by farting, making jokes, or noises). He has not been diagnosed with ODD or PDA, though I've explored PDA somewhat (it did not seem like his behaviors were quite as extreme as some kids). He often gets going on a positive trajectory and can stay on that path until something sets him off. I'm not sure what that "something" is that triggered him to get off that path the past month or so.

I met with him and his therapist this morning and it comes down to him wanting to be in control, not be held accountable, but then is able to actually control himself when he is at school, at grandparents home, or often on vacation & out in the community. He lets go when he is at home and does enough to scare his brother but has enough control to not want to physically hurt him. He doesn't want to have to leave home and be separated from his family and loves his family and feels good when he does kind things for others but likes the feeling of being in control. He likes to manipulate by stealing his tablet and staying up late at night - stole his tablet last night and was up until 11:30 pm (Until I checked on him before I went to bed. He had hid it under his pillow when my DH checked on him earlier). He questions his identity, his role in the family system, and his voice and ability to create change. He says that he does not want to be like a leader who uses power and control to get what they want but wants to be somewhat that creates positive change. I am going to call and check back to see where he is at on thew waitlists but I know they are unbelievably long

I think part of it is that I (mom) am his "safe" person and he knows that I love him unconditionally. He knows that he can tell me anything and that I can relate to some of the things he goes through because I have ADHD myself and validate those experiences. My DH is less patient, less observant, and he sees him doing LESS in our home and being super forgetful. This opens up a lot of opportunity for my child to take advantage of that (my DH forgets to change the password after giving it to our child for his tablet/adult side and forgets to put the time limits on the tablet after we agree to not allow him to have access to it at all during the week- except during holidays/sick days/vacation). He lets things slide with our son so that when we are supposed to sign off on his paperwork with karate indicating that he has maintained a black belt attitude and can be promoted, I've pushed back when he acts out but my DH is like...wellll, he checked off the things on the list but I'm like....he literally ONLY did those things while threatening his family!! I think I need to set up a session with myself, my DH, and my child's therapist (without our child) to discuss ways we can support him together.....I'm super frustrated with my DH (we have been having marital issues for a few years). I also have thought of ways to reduce the demands on my child and set him up for success - thinking about the anxiety with transitions, ect. and try to work closely with him and his providers to implement things at home - calm sensory spaces, decluttered spaces, mindfulness things, books that support his special interest, a schedule that allows for downtime, positive encouragement, chunking of chores, longer wait time, modeling staying calm when he is escalated (I'm not always successful as eventually after weeks of his behavior I do snap and yell), working to be consistent, setting up opportunities for positive social skill development, working with his teachers, sitting down 1-1 to talk wth my son when he's calm to check in with him, and letting him see when I am feeling strong emotions and model that it's okay to express our feelings. I bought him a giant sleep sack thing, I need to find a weighted blanket with a fully waterproof cover (he wets the bed), and I want to install a sensory swing in my basement. I am literally doing everything I can

I'm also taking a break from my kids for 1 week the second half of winter break to care for myself because I'm burning out but we'll see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I also added that yes, I am working on finding ways to improve safety at home and add in additional supervision.

[Anonymous]

Is he on any medications? I would speak with a child psychiatrist to see if they have recommendations.

But also - even if school is going well, it's getting harder as he gets older in elementary, and keeping it together at school requires a lot of energy. Sometimes kids lose all impulse control at home because they've been using it ALL at school. We had this issue too, and what worked for us was changing the school environment to be more supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. This is really hard. I know the PP is being snarky, so I'll ask in seriousness - does he have PDA? ODD? Are the outbursts related to being told to do or not do something, or more generally happening throughout the day?

The morning sounds like a particular trigger time and stressful for everyone. My guess is that he is feeling anxiety about school and maybe subconsciously trying to get into enough trouble to avoid or delay it (?). Can you take some of the pressure off? Can you take one kid to school and your partner take the other? Can you be late for work and maybe also school for a week or two? It sounds to me like he needs one of you adults to be with him the entire morning, so that may mean getting up earlier so you can get dressed and attend to your own needs. He cannot be left alone or with your other kid while I get ready - at least not right now.

What have you tried? Positive rewards for getting out of the house on time and not engaging in certain behavior? Could he take his ADHD meds earlier in the morning- maybe that's contributing to getting off track? Is his anxiety med dose at the level it should be?

You also need to proof your home. All sharp objects get locked away. Anything he could throw and really hurt someone with gets put away. Etc.

And the younger kid needs to be supervised, too. He cannot be left alone with the brother.

Are there stressors at school? Influences from videos or other kids? My kid had a very very hard time around this age, too - some of it might be stress of social environment getting harder and more confusing for someone with ASD at this age. Work closely with the therapist and be honest about everything that is happening. Come up with some plans together. Good luck.

OP here - He was only diagnosed with ASD the end of July and is on EVERY waitlist for ABA and OT in my area but the waitlist is 2 years. He is actually doing great in school and doing well after-school as well. He is mostly struggling at home and has had a few relatively small incidents on the bus (nothing aggressive but more not listening to instructions, moving around, and being disruptive by farting, making jokes, or noises). He has not been diagnosed with ODD or PDA, though I've explored PDA somewhat (it did not seem like his behaviors were quite as extreme as some kids). He often gets going on a positive trajectory and can stay on that path until something sets him off. I'm not sure what that "something" is that triggered him to get off that path the past month or so.

I met with him and his therapist this morning and it comes down to him wanting to be in control, not be held accountable, but then is able to actually control himself when he is at school, at grandparents home, or often on vacation & out in the community. He lets go when he is at home and does enough to scare his brother but has enough control to not want to physically hurt him. He doesn't want to have to leave home and be separated from his family and loves his family and feels good when he does kind things for others but likes the feeling of being in control. He likes to manipulate by stealing his tablet and staying up late at night - stole his tablet last night and was up until 11:30 pm (Until I checked on him before I went to bed. He had hid it under his pillow when my DH checked on him earlier). He questions his identity, his role in the family system, and his voice and ability to create change. He says that he does not want to be like a leader who uses power and control to get what they want but wants to be somewhat that creates positive change. I am going to call and check back to see where he is at on thew waitlists but I know they are unbelievably long

I think part of it is that I (mom) am his "safe" person and he knows that I love him unconditionally. He knows that he can tell me anything and that I can relate to some of the things he goes through because I have ADHD myself and validate those experiences. My DH is less patient, less observant, and he sees him doing LESS in our home and being super forgetful. This opens up a lot of opportunity for my child to take advantage of that (my DH forgets to change the password after giving it to our child for his tablet/adult side and forgets to put the time limits on the tablet after we agree to not allow him to have access to it at all during the week- except during holidays/sick days/vacation). He lets things slide with our son so that when we are supposed to sign off on his paperwork with karate indicating that he has maintained a black belt attitude and can be promoted, I've pushed back when he acts out but my DH is like...wellll, he checked off the things on the list but I'm like....he literally ONLY did those things while threatening his family!! I think I need to set up a session with myself, my DH, and my child's therapist (without our child) to discuss ways we can support him together.....I'm super frustrated with my DH (we have been having marital issues for a few years). I also have thought of ways to reduce the demands on my child and set him up for success - thinking about the anxiety with transitions, ect. and try to work closely with him and his providers to implement things at home - calm sensory spaces, decluttered spaces, mindfulness things, books that support his special interest, a schedule that allows for downtime, positive encouragement, chunking of chores, longer wait time, modeling staying calm when he is escalated (I'm not always successful as eventually after weeks of his behavior I do snap and yell), working to be consistent, setting up opportunities for positive social skill development, working with his teachers, sitting down 1-1 to talk wth my son when he's calm to check in with him, and letting him see when I am feeling strong emotions and model that it's okay to express our feelings. I bought him a giant sleep sack thing, I need to find a weighted blanket with a fully waterproof cover (he wets the bed), and I want to install a sensory swing in my basement. I am literally doing everything I can

I'm also taking a break from my kids for 1 week the second half of winter break to care for myself because I'm burning out but we'll see how that goes.

OP *you are not getting your kid and your family the right therapy.* Period end of story. You need to turn over every rock until you find a competent behavior therapist trained in aggression.

[Anonymous]

Get a door to six year old’s room that he can lock from the inside to keep himself safe.

[Anonymous]

This is the age for boys to experience adrenarche. It’s the very beginning of puberty. It’s probably more extreme with the confounding factors of ASD/ADHD

https://www.goodto.com/family/why-is-my-7-year-old-so-emotional

[Anonymous]

Meds.

Also, I find it hard to believe that there is a 2 yr wait for an OT, unless you have Medicaid or smth. What state are you in?