AuDHD/gifted 9-yr old behavior escalating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meds.

Also, I find it hard to believe that there is a 2 yr wait for an OT, unless you have Medicaid or smth. What state are you in?

Yes agreed, this is sort of curious. Are you in the DC area? There is no way OT is a 2 year wait.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried playing music or audio books while he's at home? I find this is helpful for my ADHD kid. He's seeking some kind of feedback in his brain so he'll torment his brother or make trouble in some way, but this occupies half of his brain enough that he calms down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meds.

Also, I find it hard to believe that there is a 2 yr wait for an OT, unless you have Medicaid or smth. What state are you in?

I am in Virginia but not in northern VA anymore. I can promise you that there is a major shortage of occupational therapists in my area and it is insanely difficult to get in with one right now. Both of my kids have worked with OT in the past, but for different issues and their cases were closed out. We briefly had OT early summer 2023 for my older child but they quit and another one was never hired.

[Anonymous]

I think if you can afford to push your work schedule back, it will help tremendously. Accept that until your children are out the door your full attention will be on them. Tell your boss you need a delayed start for a family emergency. Hopefully it's not permanent. But I agree with the posters saying he is seeking attention at that time of the day. It will only stress you out more if your attention needs to be elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who wrote a lot previously and you responded to. He sounds a lot like my kid actually! We went through a very rough patch around this age, and the help we got and changes we made and overall maturity of him has helped (not saying it's perfect now).

The point about control hit me a lot. I suspect the "funk" he gets into for periods is when he feels out of control for one reason or another. Lack of sleep with the electronics probably isn't helping. Again, lock them up. It's annoying but necessary. It also worked well for us to set time limits so they just turn off access - easier than enforcing by taking the away, and our kid responds better to it just stopping for him.

Can you find some ways to help him get back to sense of healthy control, where he can feel safe but not control others in an unhealthy way? I'm not sure what that looks like for you, but it might be things like choices, routines, rewards, praise.

Is the therapist helpful? If so, meet more if needed - maybe for support to help you with parenting. I like the idea of you all meeting. I'm sure your kid feels the tension between his parents. Smart kids like this can take advantage of that while also increasingly feeling out of control even as they do.

[Anonymous]

This is truly horrifying. One of his parents needs to cut back on the office hours. His behavior needs to be immediately stopped. Is he physically stronger than you, OP?

I can’t imagine a nine year old terrorizing his whole family like this. His current medical treatments are probably making him worse, certainly not better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is truly horrifying. One of his parents needs to cut back on the office hours. His behavior needs to be immediately stopped. Is he physically stronger than you, OP?

I can’t imagine a nine year old terrorizing his whole family like this. His current medical treatments are probably making him worse, certainly not better.

Then why are you commenting? Many of us have dealt with this. How could you possibly know what his medical treatments are doing to him?? Where's your PharmD from??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is truly horrifying. One of his parents needs to cut back on the office hours. His behavior needs to be immediately stopped. Is he physically stronger than you, OP?

I can’t imagine a nine year old terrorizing his whole family like this. His current medical treatments are probably making him worse, certainly not better.

Crawl back in to your bubble now. Difficult and stressful, yes. Horrifying? No.

[Anonymous]

Sending empathy and strength to you, OP. This sounds very tough.

That said, please keep your younger son safe physically and emotionally. Don't underestimate the amount of damage an older sibling can do to a younger one. Please get the younger kid a safe situation and some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who wrote a lot previously and you responded to. He sounds a lot like my kid actually! We went through a very rough patch around this age, and the help we got and changes we made and overall maturity of him has helped (not saying it's perfect now).

The point about control hit me a lot. I suspect the "funk" he gets into for periods is when he feels out of control for one reason or another. Lack of sleep with the electronics probably isn't helping. Again, lock them up. It's annoying but necessary. It also worked well for us to set time limits so they just turn off access - easier than enforcing by taking the away, and our kid responds better to it just stopping for him.

Can you find some ways to help him get back to sense of healthy control, where he can feel safe but not control others in an unhealthy way? I'm not sure what that looks like for you, but it might be things like choices, routines, rewards, praise.

Is the therapist helpful? If so, meet more if needed - maybe for support to help you with parenting. I like the idea of you all meeting. I'm sure your kid feels the tension between his parents. Smart kids like this can take advantage of that while also increasingly feeling out of control even as they do.

Thank you!! I think his therapist is somewhat helpful. I am going to explore getting a big lockbox and literally locking up the electronics during the week. I am looking into seeing how my husband can get looped more into therapy and receive more direction and support about how to support our child beyond hearing it from me (he is deeply inconsistent, leans towards permissive, and honestly often lacks a lot of insight about why it is important to do x, y, or z). If I took over our full family routine and the childcare 100% instead of attempting to split it as much as I can despite still doing most of it still myself, I think my son would do better but I would run myself so thin that it's not sustainable. The best option is to support my husband in developing better parenting skills to support our child. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is truly horrifying. One of his parents needs to cut back on the office hours. His behavior needs to be immediately stopped. Is he physically stronger than you, OP?

I can’t imagine a nine year old terrorizing his whole family like this. His current medical treatments are probably making him worse, certainly not better.

You are clearly not a mom of a special needs child. I wonder about the kind of person that trolls a special needs board. Like how low can you go?

OP, you sound like an awesome mom. All things considered, it sounds like your child is doing pretty well. I would lock up screens at night - they should not be out or accessible. DS staying up late is definitely a set up for bad behavior the next morning. (I know this is a very small piece).

I also know many ASD kids are not motivated by incentives, so this may not be possible: but can you set up a reward system around behaving during morning routine? At the very least can you make it very, very predictable with a checklist that explicitly states what he should be doing so he doesn’t have any time to harass his brother? It should have predictable jobs with some autonomy. E.g. your choice for breakfast is 1) cereal (that you get out yourself) 2) frozen casserole (you heat up yourself) or a bagel. Redirect as necessary:
“being in your little brother’s room is not on the checklist. Where are you supposed to be/what are you supposed to be doing?”

[Anonymous]

OP, his meds are not working out well. He needs to have a different combo or different dosage. It's an iterative process, that can last month to get to what works, but he should come out much better off. Are you using a reputable child psychiatrist for the meds?

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be that person but… did you rule out PANDAS?

[Anonymous]

Just writing to say I totally relate, this sounds very hard and I am thinking of you. I have a similar kid and find it incredibly hard when he is going through stretches where he requires continuous 1:1 so that we can't make dinner, dress, tend to siblings. We like you are doing our best with professional help but it is really, really tough.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to get your DH to cooperate before this escalates. Inconsistent rule enforcement is something that contributes to this kind of behavior. The child, knowing the rules are not enforced by one parent, will try to gain control through means like intimidation or worse.