Reply to AuDHD/gifted 9-yr old behavior escalating

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm so sorry. This is really hard. I know the PP is being snarky, so I'll ask in seriousness - does he have PDA? ODD? Are the outbursts related to being told to do or not do something, or more generally happening throughout the day?

The morning sounds like a particular trigger time and stressful for everyone. My guess is that he is feeling anxiety about school and maybe subconsciously trying to get into enough trouble to avoid or delay it (?). Can you take some of the pressure off? Can you take one kid to school and your partner take the other? Can you be late for work and maybe also school for a week or two? It sounds to me like he needs one of you adults to be with him the entire morning, so that may mean getting up earlier so you can get dressed and attend to your own needs. He cannot be left alone or with your other kid while I get ready - at least not right now.

What have you tried? Positive rewards for getting out of the house on time and not engaging in certain behavior? Could he take his ADHD meds earlier in the morning- maybe that's contributing to getting off track? Is his anxiety med dose at the level it should be?

You also need to proof your home. All sharp objects get locked away. Anything he could throw and really hurt someone with gets put away. Etc.

And the younger kid needs to be supervised, too. He cannot be left alone with the brother.

Are there stressors at school? Influences from videos or other kids? My kid had a very very hard time around this age, too - some of it might be stress of social environment getting harder and more confusing for someone with ASD at this age. Work closely with the therapist and be honest about everything that is happening. Come up with some plans together. Good luck.[/quote]

OP here - He was only diagnosed with ASD the end of July and is on EVERY waitlist for ABA and OT in my area but the waitlist is 2 years.  He is actually doing great in school and doing well after-school as well. He is mostly struggling at home and has had a few relatively small incidents on the bus (nothing aggressive but more not listening to instructions, moving around, and being disruptive by farting, making jokes, or noises).  He has not been diagnosed with ODD or PDA, though I've explored PDA somewhat (it did not seem like his behaviors were quite as extreme as some kids).  He often gets going on a positive trajectory and can stay on that path until something sets him off.  I'm not sure what that "something" is that triggered him to get off that path the past month or so.

I met with him and his therapist this morning and it comes down to him wanting to be in control, not be held accountable, but then is able to actually control himself when he is at school, at grandparents home, or often on vacation & out in the community.  He lets go when he is at home and does enough to scare his brother but has enough control to not want to physically hurt him.  He doesn't want to have to leave home and be separated from his family and loves his family and feels good when he does kind things for others but likes the feeling of being in control.  He likes to manipulate by stealing his tablet and staying up late at night - stole his tablet last night and was up until 11:30 pm (Until I checked on him before I went to bed. He had hid it under his pillow when my DH checked on him earlier).  He questions his identity, his role in the family system, and his voice and ability to create change.  He says that he does not want to be like a leader who uses power and control to get what they want but wants to be somewhat that creates positive change.  I am going to call and check back to see where he is at on thew waitlists but I know they are unbelievably long :(

I think part of it is that I (mom) am his "safe" person and he knows that I love him unconditionally.  He knows  that he can tell me anything and that I can relate to some of the things he goes through because I have ADHD myself and validate those experiences.  My DH is less patient, less observant, and he sees him doing LESS in our home and being super forgetful.  This opens up a lot of opportunity for my child to take advantage of that (my DH forgets to change the password after giving it to our child for his tablet/adult side and forgets to put the time limits on the tablet after we agree to not allow him to have access to it at all during the week- except during holidays/sick days/vacation).  He lets things slide with our son so that when we are supposed to sign off on his paperwork with karate indicating that he has maintained a black belt attitude and can be promoted, I've pushed back when he acts out but my DH is like...wellll, he checked off the things on the list but I'm like....he literally ONLY did those things while threatening his family!! I think I need to set up a session with myself, my DH, and my child's therapist (without our child) to discuss ways we can support him together.....I'm super frustrated with my DH (we have been having marital issues for a few years).  I also have thought of ways to reduce the demands on my child and set him up for success - thinking about the anxiety with transitions, ect. and try to work closely with him and his providers to implement things at home - calm sensory spaces, decluttered spaces, mindfulness things, books that support his special interest, a schedule that allows for downtime, positive encouragement, chunking of chores, longer wait time, modeling staying calm when he is escalated (I'm not always successful as eventually after weeks of his behavior I do snap and yell), working to be consistent, setting up opportunities for positive social skill development, working with his teachers, sitting down 1-1 to talk wth my son when he's calm to check in with him, and letting him see when I am feeling strong emotions and model that it's okay to express our feelings.  I bought him a giant sleep sack thing, I need to find a weighted blanket with a fully waterproof cover (he wets the bed), and I want to install a sensory swing in my basement.  I am literally doing everything I can :(

I'm also taking a break from my kids for 1 week the second half of winter break to care for myself because I'm burning out but we'll see how that goes. [/quote]

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