Help a bonus mom out - I don't know what to do here

[Anonymous]

Good morning all! My partner' ex is rather high conflict and there's a long history of her trying to undermine my partner and withhold custody time. It's all being documented, but partner is skeptical that the effort required to change anything would be worth the pain she would inflict on all of us if challenged. However, partner's son ("D", 9yo) came to my son ("L", 13yo, who he considers his big brother) recently with a question that made me feel like maybe it's time to do something.

Over the weekend, D told L that his mother has asked him to call her boyfriend "dad" and start calling his actual dad "Mr. Firstname" like my kids do. Her reasoning is that she's his mother and new boyfriend is with her now, so that means he's dad. And that his bio dad didn't love her (she an alcoholic who cheated on him multiple times), so that means he doesn't love D either. D seemed confused by the request and asked L if he should do it. L told him that wasn't true - he has one dad and one mom and that it was mean for his mother to say that. L told me last night, and I told him that he should tell D that when an adult asks you to do something that feels wrong, he should tell a grownup he trusts.

This isn't the first time she's done this, but it's the first time D has mentioned it. He's old enough to be troubled by it, even though the ex tried to get him to call her last five boyfriends "dad" as well and sign them up for father-son activities. It's a 50/50 custody agreement, so dad is very involved and the more stable parent. Every problem at school happens on her time. 99% of his absences happen on her time, often because she "fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up this morning." She tells D that she's so lonely without him and it's not right that he's not there to take care of her. She come up with excuses to not return him for holidays that are easily proven wrong.

I'm worried that her behavior is escalating to point where D is aware of how negative it is, but she makes him feel so guilty that he'll never stand up to her. My partner is extremely conflict-averse, which is probably why things keep escalating. But this is starting to affect D, and I don't love the idea of letting him go through this. Any advice on what I can do to be supportive, regardless of the action my partner takes?

TIA

[Anonymous]

Who is the kid supposed to call Mr First Name? His own biological father, or his own biological grandpa?

[Anonymous]

Been there done that. There is nothing you can do to stop her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is the kid supposed to call Mr First Name? His own biological father, or his own biological grandpa?

Read the post. Mom wants boyfriend to be called dad and the real dad to be called by his first name. Classic alienation. Dad needs to tell mom and kid no but reality is nothing he can do.

[Anonymous]

As another bonus mom, you can't do anything but be there to neutrally support the child. You can't push your DH as it's his place to determine how to interact with the ex. You also can't step in and say anything to the child as you will always be the bad person. They are going to have conflicted loyalty to the mother no matter what. Also, there is no real action to take. The courts aren't going to do anything in a situation like this, and it sounds like talking to the mom won't have positive outcomes. As someone who has also been a child in a situation like this, just be kind and caring and NEVER say anything negative about the mom in front of any of your kids or even if they are in the house. They will hear, it will get back to them, and they will internalize their emotions about those comments. It can also impact relationships as they get older. It sucks, I know, but just be there for the child as a stable, calm, and supportive presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is the kid supposed to call Mr First Name? His own biological father, or his own biological grandpa?

Read the post. Mom wants boyfriend to be called dad and the real dad to be called by his first name. Classic alienation. Dad needs to tell mom and kid no but reality is nothing he can do.

I did read it, and it wasn't clear to me so I asked. Chill out.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Your role is to be a supportive partner to your DH as he deals with these challenging issues. If you try to solve problems for him or his kids, regardless of your intentions, you feed the step monster narrative. This will come up repeatedly, so always come back to this: your role is to be a supportive partner to your DH as he deals with his first family. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is the kid supposed to call Mr First Name? His own biological father, or his own biological grandpa?

Read the post. Mom wants boyfriend to be called dad and the real dad to be called by his first name. Classic alienation. Dad needs to tell mom and kid no but reality is nothing he can do.

I did read it, and it wasn't clear to me so I asked. Chill out.

I thought it was weird that OP's kids call her husband Mr. [firstname]. Like a poorly paid POC employee would do. "Mister Johnny, I washed and polished your car real good. I'll bring it around front when you are ready, sir."

[Anonymous]

Are you calling yourself "bonus mon" because you aren't married? Or are you uncomfortable with "stepmother" even though you are a stepmother?

You have a DH/partner problem here. It won't change unless he improves his choices. He is the parent and you are not and that is the bottom line, you can't be an effective parent if he wont. And why are you raising your child with a man who isn't an effective parent?

The best you can do is try to obtain therapy for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As another bonus mom, you can't do anything but be there to neutrally support the child. You can't push your DH as it's his place to determine how to interact with the ex. You also can't step in and say anything to the child as you will always be the bad person. They are going to have conflicted loyalty to the mother no matter what. Also, there is no real action to take. The courts aren't going to do anything in a situation like this, and it sounds like talking to the mom won't have positive outcomes. As someone who has also been a child in a situation like this, just be kind and caring and NEVER say anything negative about the mom in front of any of your kids or even if they are in the house. They will hear, it will get back to them, and they will internalize their emotions about those comments. It can also impact relationships as they get older. It sucks, I know, but just be there for the child as a stable, calm, and supportive presence.

Thank you for all of this. I'm so sorry that you experienced this as a child. How did it affect you growing up? My fear right now is that as D gets older, he will realize what's happening and it'll cause him to lash out at his dad, as well as affect his future relationships with women. From where I stand, it often seems like she hates my partner more than she loves D and does all of this to hurt my partner for not putting up with her. Is there value in getting D a therapist? I completely understand if he doesn't feel comfortable talking about all of this with his dad or me - he's very sensitive to rejection and the idea of disappointing people. But I'm afraid that if he doesn't have someone to tell all this to, he'll internalize her manipulations to a point where it's causing real damage to himself.

[Anonymous]

You need to open your eyes that your partner is failing his son. That's the bottom line here.

[Anonymous]

Yes you should get him a therapist, obviously. Why has your partner not already done that? This has been going on for years.

[Anonymous]

Has the 9 year old told his father what his mom has asked of him?

[Anonymous]

Wtf is a “bonus mom?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has the 9 year old told his father what his mom has asked of him?

He hasn't, but I will tell him what my son told me. I just learned this last night.