Help a bonus mom out - I don't know what to do here

[Anonymous]

You are not this child mother or even step mother.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would break up with this man. He's an avoidant person and his failure to adequately parent and stand up for his son is affecting you and your child. This will only get worse. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good morning all! My partner' ex is rather high conflict and there's a long history of her trying to undermine my partner and withhold custody time. It's all being documented, but partner is skeptical that the effort required to change anything would be worth the pain she would inflict on all of us if challenged. However, partner's son ("D", 9yo) came to my son ("L", 13yo, who he considers his big brother) recently with a question that made me feel like maybe it's time to do something.

Over the weekend, D told L that his mother has asked him to call her boyfriend "dad" and start calling his actual dad "Mr. Firstname" like my kids do. Her reasoning is that she's his mother and new boyfriend is with her now, so that means he's dad. And that his bio dad didn't love her (she an alcoholic who cheated on him multiple times), so that means he doesn't love D either. D seemed confused by the request and asked L if he should do it. L told him that wasn't true - he has one dad and one mom and that it was mean for his mother to say that. L told me last night, and I told him that he should tell D that when an adult asks you to do something that feels wrong, he should tell a grownup he trusts.

This isn't the first time she's done this, but it's the first time D has mentioned it. He's old enough to be troubled by it, even though the ex tried to get him to call her last five boyfriends "dad" as well and sign them up for father-son activities. It's a 50/50 custody agreement, so dad is very involved and the more stable parent. Every problem at school happens on her time. 99% of his absences happen on her time, often because she "fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up this morning." She tells D that she's so lonely without him and it's not right that he's not there to take care of her. She come up with excuses to not return him for holidays that are easily proven wrong.

I'm worried that her behavior is escalating to point where D is aware of how negative it is, but she makes him feel so guilty that he'll never stand up to her. My partner is extremely conflict-averse, which is probably why things keep escalating. But this is starting to affect D, and I don't love the idea of letting him go through this. Any advice on what I can do to be supportive, regardless of the action my partner takes?

TIA

Sounds like white trash problems!

Yep. Op probably isn’t even married to this kid’s dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is a “bonus mom?”

It's a stepmother who wants to pretend she's not a stepmother because she doesn't understand that avoiding the word only adds to the stigma.

Or it's an unmarried female partner who is trying to act like a wife and stepmother.

Bonus mom is totally inappropriate imo. There is only one mother, one father. While they can't control the ex, the dad can explain to the child the bf should be called by his first name obviously.

[Anonymous]

Start by NEVER using the term "bonus mom" again. That's disgusting, most especially in a high conflict situations. You are NOT this boy's mother of any kind. You are his dad's girlfriend.

I am a stepmom. The worst thing you can do around a high conflict ex is try to claim status with her children. Even in a very warm co-parenting situation, though, "bonus mom" is overstepping soooo far. Almost the equivalent of her asking a BF to be called "dad". It's astonishing that you can't see that.

Ultimately, your problem is not the ex. It's your weak, conflict avoidant boyfriend.