Help a bonus mom out - I don't know what to do here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to open your eyes that your partner is failing his son. That's the bottom line here.

By wanting to have a sure win before going after an emotionally unstable alcoholic with nothing to lose? Eat a snickers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to open your eyes that your partner is failing his son. That's the bottom line here.

By wanting to have a sure win before going after an emotionally unstable alcoholic with nothing to lose? Eat a snickers.

Rationally choosing not to "go after" is different from being too avoidant to deal with the problem.

This kid should have had therapy a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

1. The biological father needs to be documenting instances of alienation and failure to return the child for his time
2. Parental alienation is grounds for more or fill custody
3. Are the school absences due to the mom being black out drunk? If so that is a huge problem
4. You are not doing your kids any favors exposing them to this toxic dynamic. If this were my partner I would consider leaving over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is a “bonus mom?”

It's a stepmother who wants to pretend she's not a stepmother because she doesn't understand that avoiding the word only adds to the stigma.

Or it's an unmarried female partner who is trying to act like a wife and stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Your third-hand story isn’t really credible, and it’s not your fight.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the small handful of useful replies! I've familiar enough with this board to know that 20% useful is quite high

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to open your eyes that your partner is failing his son. That's the bottom line here.

By wanting to have a sure win before going after an emotionally unstable alcoholic with nothing to lose? Eat a snickers.

Rationally choosing not to "go after" is different from being too avoidant to deal with the problem.

This kid should have had therapy a long time ago.

Not a bad idea, the therapist can be the baddie who makes the CPS report

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get out of "Wife fixes husband's problem" mode and focus on what is right for you and your son. Because you can't fix this, especially if he's not trying to fix it himself. And there's no reason to think it won't get worse as his son grows older and grapples with the fact that his mother is insane and his father is avoiding dealing with it in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to get out of "Wife fixes husband's problem" mode and focus on what is right for you and your son. Because you can't fix this, especially if he's not trying to fix it himself. And there's no reason to think it won't get worse as his son grows older and grapples with the fact that his mother is insane and his father is avoiding dealing with it in any way.

Threatening to leave might light a fire under his azz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is a “bonus mom?”

It's a stepmother who wants to pretend she's not a stepmother because she doesn't understand that avoiding the word only adds to the stigma.

Or it's an unmarried female partner who is trying to act like a wife and stepmother.

It's her way of calling herself mom, while she's writing a post in which she is complaining about someone with the exact same relationships she has being referred to as Dad.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you describe about calling his dad Mr. Firstname is not "rather high conflict". It's straight up insane! Therefore, you need to reframe your thinking away from "conflict" to be managed and resolved, and towards the idea that you're co-parenting with a person who has a serious mental health problem. The irregular sleep schedule and the short-term relationship history also point to a serious mental health problem. You need to stop thinking "she's so awful, I blame her" and start thinking "she's significantly impaired" because that's the reality here.

The son needs professional support as would any child who is coping with a seriously impaired parent. If what he's reporting is actually not true, then I would interpret it as a cry for help-- something designed to really get his father's attention-- and all the more reason for him to have professional help.

And you need to think whether you want to be dealing with this person and this issue for the next several decades of your life. Because that's how it's going to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there done that. There is nothing you can do to stop her behavior.

Pretty much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is the kid supposed to call Mr First Name? His own biological father, or his own biological grandpa?

Read the post. Mom wants boyfriend to be called dad and the real dad to be called by his first name. Classic alienation. Dad needs to tell mom and kid no but reality is nothing he can do.

I did read it, and it wasn't clear to me so I asked. Chill out.

I thought it was weird that OP's kids call her husband Mr. [firstname]. Like a poorly paid POC employee would do. "Mister Johnny, I washed and polished your car real good. I'll bring it around front when you are ready, sir."

Lol same. Why can't they call him Johnny? Why Mr Johnny? So weird!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is the kid supposed to call Mr First Name? His own biological father, or his own biological grandpa?

Read the post. Mom wants boyfriend to be called dad and the real dad to be called by his first name. Classic alienation. Dad needs to tell mom and kid no but reality is nothing he can do.

I did read it, and it wasn't clear to me so I asked. Chill out.

I thought it was weird that OP's kids call her husband Mr. [firstname]. Like a poorly paid POC employee would do. "Mister Johnny, I washed and polished your car real good. I'll bring it around front when you are ready, sir."

Lol same. Why can't they call him Johnny? Why Mr Johnny? So weird!

OP - please tell us why you or your partner insist on your kids calling him Mr. First Name instead of just First Name. Do his kids call you Ms. First Name? You are all family - drop the formality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good morning all! My partner' ex is rather high conflict and there's a long history of her trying to undermine my partner and withhold custody time. It's all being documented, but partner is skeptical that the effort required to change anything would be worth the pain she would inflict on all of us if challenged. However, partner's son ("D", 9yo) came to my son ("L", 13yo, who he considers his big brother) recently with a question that made me feel like maybe it's time to do something.

Over the weekend, D told L that his mother has asked him to call her boyfriend "dad" and start calling his actual dad "Mr. Firstname" like my kids do. Her reasoning is that she's his mother and new boyfriend is with her now, so that means he's dad. And that his bio dad didn't love her (she an alcoholic who cheated on him multiple times), so that means he doesn't love D either. D seemed confused by the request and asked L if he should do it. L told him that wasn't true - he has one dad and one mom and that it was mean for his mother to say that. L told me last night, and I told him that he should tell D that when an adult asks you to do something that feels wrong, he should tell a grownup he trusts.

This isn't the first time she's done this, but it's the first time D has mentioned it. He's old enough to be troubled by it, even though the ex tried to get him to call her last five boyfriends "dad" as well and sign them up for father-son activities. It's a 50/50 custody agreement, so dad is very involved and the more stable parent. Every problem at school happens on her time. 99% of his absences happen on her time, often because she "fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up this morning." She tells D that she's so lonely without him and it's not right that he's not there to take care of her. She come up with excuses to not return him for holidays that are easily proven wrong.

I'm worried that her behavior is escalating to point where D is aware of how negative it is, but she makes him feel so guilty that he'll never stand up to her. My partner is extremely conflict-averse, which is probably why things keep escalating. But this is starting to affect D, and I don't love the idea of letting him go through this. Any advice on what I can do to be supportive, regardless of the action my partner takes?

TIA

Sounds like white trash problems!