Can attraction grow with a new person? Or don't even go down that path?

[Anonymous]

I met someone online (not OLD-just in a discussion). We got to chatting about that topic and then it quickly spiraled into talking about everything under the sun. I have NEVER laughed so hard or been as inspired as when I talk to him.

He's 5 years older than me and is the most intelligent person I've ever had the pleasure of consistently talking to. Just so well read, traveled, educated, and his EQ seems even higher than his IQ. He has shown me so much support and kindness over the last few months that even my closest friends didn't match. This is all fantastic except...I'm not physically attracted to him. He's clean, well dressed, etc but just not my typical type and is the same height as me/a decent amount overweight/balding without facial hair so he looks significantly older. I understand this sounds vain- just being honest because I want honest feedback. Should I pursue this? I've never felt a personality connection like this in my life. I find his personality, sense of humor, intelligence, love for his family SO attractive. I get butterflies when we talk and cannot stop thinking about our thought provoking conversations. But it's just not there in person. We've only met once, but he asked me out again tomorrow (for the most thoughtful date in the world based on something I told him a while ago) and idk if I should say yes or not.

WWDCUMD?

[Anonymous]

I think if you get butterflies when you talk you should absolutely pursue it. Maybe you need more physicality to fall in "like" with that side of him. Like a really amazing kiss.

Worst case scenario you have an amazing time on this thoughtful date, but don't feel a connection, no harm done.

[Anonymous]

You have to be honest with him; you feel a connection of very deep friendship, but it’s not romantic for you. And it’s up to him if he wants to stay friends or move on. Although - sometimes attraction grows. You can give it another date if you want.

[Anonymous]

It'll never work.

[Anonymous]

Be honest with yourself. Often, women in your place try to make it work and eventually leave because they can't overcome the lack of spark. Don't do that. Accept him for what he is, if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Often, women in your place try to make it work and eventually leave because they can't overcome the lack of spark. Don't do that. Accept him for what he is, if you can.

This^. Be there or don't. Don't use him as a paper weight until you find a better option.

[Anonymous]

Can’t force attraction maybe if you give him a chance he’ll blow you away. If I were you I would continue the friendship but try to find a way to continue to explore without leading him on. I realize this may be very difficult to do

[Anonymous]

You have to at least try to see if there’s a physical connection.

[Anonymous]

Nope, don’t waste your time or his. Nothing wrong with liking who you like.

[Anonymous]

I think it can work, honestly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Often, women in your place try to make it work and eventually leave because they can't overcome the lack of spark. Don't do that. Accept him for what he is, if you can.

This kind of thinking gives people far too little time to get to know each other AS people. OP, the intense emphasis this forum has on "you must have spark, you must feel physical attraction for sure within one date/three dates/X months/whatever formula" actually discourages people here, usually women, from getting to know people better.

Yes, attraction is important, but it also can grow. I know from experience. It grows especially when the two people click intellectually, emotionally, and in terms of interests.

Before DCUM comes along to scream "But nothing matters if you aren't feeling it after one date" -- I did say, attraction matters. But how many people just write off someone wonderful because they couldn't see past the outside from the very start? My DH sure wasn't a model when we met, but we got along so well, and I took time to get to know him. When I did, attraction grew. And has lasted for more than 30 years.

OP, this would only be the second date, right? That's nothing at all. I'd go, and give it more dates than that since the connection is so solid. This forum treats dating as a meat market, really, and doesn't get that emotional and intellectual compatibility will hold a couple together through looks changing, bodies changing, adversity, and, well, real life. Date him some more, if he's getting romantic, explain that you're a slow mover, and see if attraction develops. Don't take forever of course, if it truly can't turn romantic for you, but also don't think there is a single magical number of dates after which you simply must feel attracted or you can never see him again.

[Anonymous]

Is he wealthy or has wealth potential that is what really matters

[Anonymous]

I have at least one friend who this did work for… She was definitely not physically attracted to her future husband when they met, although he was perfect in every other way. They seem happily married now. I have no idea if she settled, or if she really changed her mind. It seems she is not the only one, based on the responses you’re getting from this question in this forum

Your situation could never work for me. I have never developed an attraction for someone to whom I wasn’t initially attracted even if I thought they were an awesome person. However, I have developed strong attractions to people that I didn’t think were my physical type… Although it happened very quickly, it wasn’t something that happened over time.

Can this work for you? Only you know the answer.

However… If you have to ask the question… I’m guessing you’re leaning towards not.

In my dating life, whenever I wasn’t sure, I would agree to see the person again. After seeing them in person, it does not take long to figure these things out. Stop talking to him on the phone and online and spend as much time together as you can in person. You will get a strong feeling one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Often, women in your place try to make it work and eventually leave because they can't overcome the lack of spark. Don't do that. Accept him for what he is, if you can.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Charlotte York and Harry Goldenblatt