Can attraction grow with a new person? Or don't even go down that path?

[Anonymous]

I think you should give it a bit more time to see how things unfold. Go on the date!

[Anonymous]

I went out with a man a couple of times who initially I was not attracted to at all physically, but over time I grew more and more attracted to him. I really was attracted to him intellectually and emotionally and that fed into the physical aspect. There wasn’t anything offensive about him physically, he was just a regular pudgy bald middle aged dude, but over time I found things I liked about him physically.

[Anonymous]

I’ve found if it’s not there by date 3, it never happens.

Every guy where I forced myself to be intimate when I wasn’t really attracted, I never became attracted and lost interest in sex eventually.

I wasn’t initially attracted to my H but by date 3 I was VERY attracted to him. Still am.

[Anonymous]

Monica and the guy who wanted to be a professional wrestler

[Anonymous]

Could you have maybe a sexless marriage where he provides you with emotional and financial support but you always turn him down for sex and have a separate affair partner who is taller and more attractive with whom you have sex? That would let you enjoy the things you like about him like his good listening skills, while still having a passionate physical relationship with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found if it’s not there by date 3, it never happens.

Every guy where I forced myself to be intimate when I wasn’t really attracted, I never became attracted and lost interest in sex eventually.

I wasn’t initially attracted to my H but by date 3 I was VERY attracted to him. Still am.

I mean, no woman should be forcing herself into any physical encounter she doesn’t want, attracted or not. But OP needs to at least give making out a try once or twice. And some people are just bad in bed even if you are otherwise attracted, and sometimes you can’t stand people you are VERY physically attracted to.

OP this is where you invite him over for a glass of wine and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

I would give it a bit more time. I had the opposite experience recently -- very physically attracted to someone, but the conversation was not great. We went out a few times and when we finally kissed, it was a real dud.

Also, I happened to witness a first date of a friend of a friend a few months ago. Our mutual friend didn't see any sparks between the pair, and if I had been the one on the date with him, I would never have gone with him a second time because of the way he was dressed (and I'm not really vain, but it was Steve Bannon bad). Fast forward several months and the mutual friend had a party to which we were all invited. The pair is still dating, and he has cleaned up NICE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with yourself. Often, women in your place try to make it work and eventually leave because they can't overcome the lack of spark. Don't do that. Accept him for what he is, if you can.

This kind of thinking gives people far too little time to get to know each other AS people. OP, the intense emphasis this forum has on "you must have spark, you must feel physical attraction for sure within one date/three dates/X months/whatever formula" actually discourages people here, usually women, from getting to know people better.

Yes, attraction is important, but it also can grow. I know from experience. It grows especially when the two people click intellectually, emotionally, and in terms of interests.

Before DCUM comes along to scream "But nothing matters if you aren't feeling it after one date" -- I did say, attraction matters. But how many people just write off someone wonderful because they couldn't see past the outside from the very start? My DH sure wasn't a model when we met, but we got along so well, and I took time to get to know him. When I did, attraction grew. And has lasted for more than 30 years.

OP, this would only be the second date, right? That's nothing at all. I'd go, and give it more dates than that since the connection is so solid. This forum treats dating as a meat market, really, and doesn't get that emotional and intellectual compatibility will hold a couple together through looks changing, bodies changing, adversity, and, well, real life. Date him some more, if he's getting romantic, explain that you're a slow mover, and see if attraction develops. Don't take forever of course, if it truly can't turn romantic for you, but also don't think there is a single magical number of dates after which you simply must feel attracted or you can never see him again.

There is a difference between attraction and compatibility. Attraction is instantaneous and required for some people. Others can find compatibility over time. The issue is whether compatibility equates to settling, which is deadly for the long-term health of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

My only advice to you and moat women is don't fall for the charming man that makes you laugh like you have "laughed before like that". When we get together all we do is make jokes and laugh. Women when they get together they gossip or complain about something. So the worst among us will "trick" you if you put too much emphasis on how much they make you laugh.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to give it a couple dates, at least. But if it's still not there, maybe see if you can build a friendship? Good friends who converse easily are not always easy to find.

[Anonymous]

OP how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Charlotte York and Harry Goldenblatt

Um, no.

That started out as a FWB thing and he was amazing in bed. She couldn’t stand his personality and habits at first.

He was sweating on her divorce papers in puddles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how old are you?

38

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should give it a bit more time to see how things unfold. Go on the date!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you have maybe a sexless marriage where he provides you with emotional and financial support but you always turn him down for sex and have a separate affair partner who is taller and more attractive with whom you have sex? That would let you enjoy the things you like about him like his good listening skills, while still having a passionate physical relationship with someone else?

lol wut???