How to handle coworker who may be crushing

[Anonymous]

I work with a lot of men, in a male dominated field. I have one of those office type jobs that works across departments. I have the type of female personality that nerdy types tend to be drawn to - I'm smart and competent but have been the object of manic pixie dream girl projections.

I think one of my higher ups has a tiny crush. He comes by mine and my other coworker's area everyday to chitchat. I observed he asks me more personal questions than my other coworker and makes more teasing comments about me (from this type of guy I'm guessing teasing=flirting). Nothing sexual and I don't feel any harassment or pressure. But also keenly aware he doesn't view nor treat me as one of the guys. I'm conventionally attractive and in this field of mostly men, definitely would be considered even more so.

My question is, in this type of situation, while it is harmless, how do you handle it so it stays harmless?

[Anonymous]

Is he your supervisor? If you told him the teasing and personal questions make you uncomfortable would he be able to retaliate jobwise?

[Anonymous]

Bring up your “boyfriend” or “husband” a lot. Don’t make sustained eye contact. Bring your nearby coworker into the conversation as much as possible.

Crusher: “So I bet you [whatever].”
You: “Answer matter-of-factly” and then say to whatever nearby coworker, “What about you, Fred? [repeat your boss’s question to Fred”

[Anonymous]

If it's bothering you, maybe just act colder until he stops. And if that doesn't work, ask him to give you more space or chat with HR.

[Anonymous]

Went through this recently. Just kept interactions short and strictly professional. Redirect conversations that turn personal or end it by saying you need to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

[Anonymous]

We need more details, OP. Is there an age gap? Are either of you married? Is it just office chit chat or is there texting, SM interaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

This. I once had a colleague ask me what I “did” over the weekend.

I shut it down, fired off an email to HR, and now he leaves me alone. Word got around pretty quick, so I haven’t had to worry about any other nonsense, either.

It is a workplace. People need to respect boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Well he sounds like a nice guy. That said it’s ok for men to explore feelings in a respectful way and it sounds like he isn’t being sexual or pushy or direct. That said, you think he likes you and/or you want to get rid of him.

1. When he comes around develop a case of the BGs and head to the restroom.

2. Space out. Completely do not listen or respond to what he has said then apologize for not listening because you have a lot on your mind then ask if he needs anything work related. If not, kindly tell him that this is your busy season for your department and assure him that you’ll definitely check in with him and other “professional contacts” in a few months when things quiet down.

He should get the hint by being referred to as a professional contact or mentor or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need more details, OP. Is there an age gap? Are either of you married? Is it just office chit chat or is there texting, SM interaction?

OP - He is a C-level, 10 years older, he is married and he knows I’m in a serious relationship. Chit chat is fine, we both have kids that are similar ages and can talk about things like kids, sports, hobbies.

I’ve just observed he takes what I mention in regards to these light topics and starts projecting other traits on me - I must believe xyz if I do xyz. He doesn’t do this to my other coworker, and he teases me more, which makes me feel like there is an attraction. As C-level and pretty straitlaced he is a rule follower so I don’t feel unsafe. But I want to avoid saying something that could end up hurting our work relationship. As an attractive younger woman I feel like I need to be more careful than men would need to. My office does socialize outside of work, he and I have only ever socialized in large groups, I’ve met and like his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

This. I once had a colleague ask me what I “did” over the weekend.

I shut it down, fired off an email to HR, and now he leaves me alone. Word got around pretty quick, so I haven’t had to worry about any other nonsense, either.

It is a workplace. People need to respect boundaries.

Are you ND? People ask me that and I guess it’s their way of trying to relate to you. They expect a conversation about interesting places to visit so they can get ideas for reasonably priced things they can do with their own families. I started noticing people get kind of angry if you say you didn’t do anything. They take it as if you don’t like them or don’t want to be friends. I’m autistic and a way to fit in is to have something to say that you did over the weekend for small talk because normal people like small talk conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more details, OP. Is there an age gap? Are either of you married? Is it just office chit chat or is there texting, SM interaction?

OP - He is a C-level, 10 years older, he is married and he knows I’m in a serious relationship. Chit chat is fine, we both have kids that are similar ages and can talk about things like kids, sports, hobbies.

I’ve just observed he takes what I mention in regards to these light topics and starts projecting other traits on me - I must believe xyz if I do xyz. He doesn’t do this to my other coworker, and he teases me more, which makes me feel like there is an attraction. As C-level and pretty straitlaced he is a rule follower so I don’t feel unsafe. But I want to avoid saying something that could end up hurting our work relationship. As an attractive younger woman I feel like I need to be more careful than men would need to. My office does socialize outside of work, he and I have only ever socialized in large groups, I’ve met and like his wife.

Oh. Eww this is tougher than I’d thought. I’d ask about his wife and kids more in the conversations and always tell him that they sound wonderful and he’s so blessed to have them. 😁

[Anonymous]

Try to avoid and deflect, gently, as much as possible. Hope it passes.

[Anonymous]

I had this with a colleague and just made myself annoying to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more details, OP. Is there an age gap? Are either of you married? Is it just office chit chat or is there texting, SM interaction?

OP - He is a C-level, 10 years older, he is married and he knows I’m in a serious relationship. Chit chat is fine, we both have kids that are similar ages and can talk about things like kids, sports, hobbies.

I’ve just observed he takes what I mention in regards to these light topics and starts projecting other traits on me - I must believe xyz if I do xyz. He doesn’t do this to my other coworker, and he teases me more, which makes me feel like there is an attraction. As C-level and pretty straitlaced he is a rule follower so I don’t feel unsafe. But I want to avoid saying something that could end up hurting our work relationship. As an attractive younger woman I feel like I need to be more careful than men would need to. My office does socialize outside of work, he and I have only ever socialized in large groups, I’ve met and like his wife.

Oh. Eww this is tougher than I’d thought. I’d ask about his wife and kids more in the conversations and always tell him that they sound wonderful and he’s so blessed to have them. 😁

OP - Good idea. Yes we always talk about our kids, I ask for parenting tips about what’s worked with his since they’re slightly older than mine. I always ask how his wife is doing, her health, compliment pics he shared. I think he is a family guy, but you never know. It could be a harmless crush but I want to make sure it doesn’t become more than that.

I have engaged with him as my other coworkers do, friendly talk and so only just realized after he asked me something and teased me that I should maybe be more cautious. I’m not that young, 40s, and in the past I would’ve felt flattered by attention but at my age see that being an attractive woman can be a double-edged sword I have to be careful with. While his personal intrigue in me is flattering, I can see how professionally it could be used against me since our personalities are so different.

I think keeping boundaries and allowing him to save face if he does go a little over the line will work. It is not anything to report to HR at all. Mostly my awareness of the situation and catching it early, I think, is the key. I’ve been dumb about these things in the past because I am extroverted and chat with anyone authentically, but I know it has potential to be viewed as flirting especially by men full of themselves.