How to handle coworker who may be crushing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

This. I once had a colleague ask me what I “did” over the weekend.

I shut it down, fired off an email to HR, and now he leaves me alone. Word got around pretty quick, so I haven’t had to worry about any other nonsense, either.

It is a workplace. People need to respect boundaries.

Is this a real story? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Stop asking about his family.
Stop getting parenting tips.
You may have boundaries but you need different ones.
Deflect personal questions.
Tell him teasing makes you uncomfortable.
If he keeps doing it ask him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Eat lunch at your desk and chew with your mouth open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

This. I once had a colleague ask me what I “did” over the weekend.

I shut it down, fired off an email to HR, and now he leaves me alone. Word got around pretty quick, so I haven’t had to worry about any other nonsense, either.

It is a workplace. People need to respect boundaries.

Is this a real story? Wow.

Yeah, PP got her boundaries up and everyone at work avoided her as much as possible. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking about his family.
Stop getting parenting tips.
You may have boundaries but you need different ones.
Deflect personal questions.
Tell him teasing makes you uncomfortable.
If he keeps doing it ask him to stop.

OP - I will put up more boundaries. We work in a very friendly environment in a culture outside of DC, family talk is generally the first topic of conversation. It's usually not an issue at all, but with this one person maybe I will have to cut back even more.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s pretty easy to shut this stuff down.

Be honest—you like the attention and want to use the C suite guy to advance your career and standing. Just admit it.

[Anonymous]

There is no maybe. Especially if they are C level. Start documenting and not on company IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s pretty easy to shut this stuff down.

Be honest—you like the attention and want to use the C suite guy to advance your career and standing. Just admit it.

OP - ok, you're being accusatory and I've actively said I'm trying to keep this professional and harmless so it actively *does not* hurt my career.

I've always worked in women-dominated fields until this company, so this is new territory for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more details, OP. Is there an age gap? Are either of you married? Is it just office chit chat or is there texting, SM interaction?

OP - He is a C-level, 10 years older, he is married and he knows I’m in a serious relationship. Chit chat is fine, we both have kids that are similar ages and can talk about things like kids, sports, hobbies.

I’ve just observed he takes what I mention in regards to these light topics and starts projecting other traits on me - I must believe xyz if I do xyz. He doesn’t do this to my other coworker, and he teases me more, which makes me feel like there is an attraction. As C-level and pretty straitlaced he is a rule follower so I don’t feel unsafe. But I want to avoid saying something that could end up hurting our work relationship. As an attractive younger woman I feel like I need to be more careful than men would need to. My office does socialize outside of work, he and I have only ever socialized in large groups, I’ve met and like his wife.

Oh. Eww this is tougher than I’d thought. I’d ask about his wife and kids more in the conversations and always tell him that they sound wonderful and he’s so blessed to have them. 😁

OP - Good idea. Yes we always talk about our kids, I ask for parenting tips about what’s worked with his since they’re slightly older than mine. I always ask how his wife is doing, her health, compliment pics he shared. I think he is a family guy, but you never know.

Wait, so you’re frequently engaging with him this way, sharing pics (???) and asking for tips in your personal life?

That seems like pertinent info that was left out of your OP.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need more details, OP. Is there an age gap? Are either of you married? Is it just office chit chat or is there texting, SM interaction?

OP - He is a C-level, 10 years older, he is married and he knows I’m in a serious relationship. Chit chat is fine, we both have kids that are similar ages and can talk about things like kids, sports, hobbies.

I’ve just observed he takes what I mention in regards to these light topics and starts projecting other traits on me - I must believe xyz if I do xyz. He doesn’t do this to my other coworker, and he teases me more, which makes me feel like there is an attraction. As C-level and pretty straitlaced he is a rule follower so I don’t feel unsafe. But I want to avoid saying something that could end up hurting our work relationship. As an attractive younger woman I feel like I need to be more careful than men would need to. My office does socialize outside of work, he and I have only ever socialized in large groups, I’ve met and like his wife.

Oh. Eww this is tougher than I’d thought. I’d ask about his wife and kids more in the conversations and always tell him that they sound wonderful and he’s so blessed to have them. 😁

OP - Good idea. Yes we always talk about our kids, I ask for parenting tips about what’s worked with his since they’re slightly older than mine. I always ask how his wife is doing, her health, compliment pics he shared. I think he is a family guy, but you never know.

Wait, so you’re frequently engaging with him this way, sharing pics (???) and asking for tips in your personal life?

That seems like pertinent info that was left out of your OP.

Why?

Sharing pics as in we’re standing by water cooler and he says, we went to this event this weekend (shows pic of him and wife).

Jesus, I should’ve known not to ask for actual advice from people on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

This. I once had a colleague ask me what I “did” over the weekend.

I shut it down, fired off an email to HR, and now he leaves me alone. Word got around pretty quick, so I haven’t had to worry about any other nonsense, either.

It is a workplace. People need to respect boundaries.

Are you ND? People ask me that and I guess it’s their way of trying to relate to you. They expect a conversation about interesting places to visit so they can get ideas for reasonably priced things they can do with their own families. I started noticing people get kind of angry if you say you didn’t do anything. They take it as if you don’t like them or don’t want to be friends. I’m autistic and a way to fit in is to have something to say that you did over the weekend for small talk because normal people like small talk conversations.

I admit I was going to type out a snarky response. But I like this one better. Word got around quick, but not in a good way. People will now be afraid to talk to this person for fear she is a bit crazy. I have a SN son who had to practice these basic social skills until they became routine. You can have polite responses that shut down further conversation without going overboard. Also goes for introverts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I constantly excuse myself to "get back to work" and when asked personal questions say I like to keep my personal life personal.

Him: do you like dogs or cats better?
Me: I like getting my work done before the higher-ups come asking for it, excuse me.

This. I once had a colleague ask me what I “did” over the weekend.

I shut it down, fired off an email to HR, and now he leaves me alone. Word got around pretty quick, so I haven’t had to worry about any other nonsense, either.

It is a workplace. People need to respect boundaries.

Is this a real story? Wow.

Pretty obvious that PP was trolling.

[Anonymous]

As a male exec, I have sometimes found myself fond of younger, female colleagues. Not in a crush or weird way - just in a "hey, you seem personable and friendly" way. You know, like two fellow humans. This is exacerbated by working in a male-dominated industry where social skills are often in short supply. So the stereotypically more sociable women become even more appealing for social interaction, relative to their colleagues.

I'm hyper conscientious about avoiding even a whiff of impropriety for both my sake and theirs, but if somebody were paying close attention, they might detect an elevated affinity for them versus other colleagues. More frequent interactions, a warmer dialogue, whatever.

Ultimately, I'm not going to treat everybody identically. That's not fair to them and it's counterproductive for team morale. I meet people where they are. If you're more sociable, I'll meet you there. If you're more introverted, I'll give you space. It sounds like you're sociable, so he's reflecting.

I'd submit that the fact that you're conventionally attractive may be clouding your perspective on the matter. I mean, the guy is sharing photos of his family with you. I can't imagine that's an effective flirting strategy.

But regardless, as many prior posters said, you deserve to be comfortable at work. I recommend really pondering what boundaries you need to get yourself there. You're obviously entitled to whatever space you need, but if your feedback is unnecessarily draconian or unhinged, you're going to damage what could be an innocuous, positive relationship.

Just food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Sorry - I didn't complete a thought above.

I'd submit that the fact that you're conventionally attractive may be clouding your perspective on the matter. Just because you're attractive doesn't mean every man who is friendly to you wants a non-platonic relationship. I mean, the guy is sharing photos of his family with you. I can't imagine that's an effective flirting strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a male exec, I have sometimes found myself fond of younger, female colleagues. Not in a crush or weird way - just in a "hey, you seem personable and friendly" way. You know, like two fellow humans. This is exacerbated by working in a male-dominated industry where social skills are often in short supply. So the stereotypically more sociable women become even more appealing for social interaction, relative to their colleagues.

I'm hyper conscientious about avoiding even a whiff of impropriety for both my sake and theirs, but if somebody were paying close attention, they might detect an elevated affinity for them versus other colleagues. More frequent interactions, a warmer dialogue, whatever.

Ultimately, I'm not going to treat everybody identically. That's not fair to them and it's counterproductive for team morale. I meet people where they are. If you're more sociable, I'll meet you there. If you're more introverted, I'll give you space. It sounds like you're sociable, so he's reflecting.




I'd submit that the fact that you're conventionally attractive may be clouding your perspective on the matter. I mean, the guy is sharing photos of his family with you. I can't imagine that's an effective flirting strategy.

But regardless, as many prior posters said, you deserve to be comfortable at work. I recommend really pondering what boundaries you need to get yourself there. You're obviously entitled to whatever space you need, but if your feedback is unnecessarily draconian or unhinged, you're going to damage what could be an innocuous, positive relationship.

Just food for thought.

Chew on this food: are there women your age or older who are sociable and friendly? Do you even know?

Do you ever even talk to those? Or just the younger attractive friendly ones some of whom may not know better?