How to raise children that are gracious and refined?

[Anonymous]

I'd like tips from those whose children embody these qualities. Is it their schooling? Behavior that is modeled at home? Exposure to upper class society?

[Anonymous]

We watch a lot of Downton Abbey. They have become much better about remembering the servants’ birthdays as a result. And we pay a lot of attention to what the upper class folks at places like Mara Lago are doing. My son wants to underpay the prostitute that he was giving hush money to but was inspired by Don’s example to be generous. We also have gotten some really great gardening and decorating tips by watching Melania in action.

[Anonymous]

My children are very gracious.

"Refined" may not be possible as I am not so.

[Anonymous]

Gracious and refined are different.

I feel that you can generalize that upper class society may be refined, but I wouldn’t generalize that they are necessarily gracious.

[Anonymous]

Model that behavior for them to learn from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We watch a lot of Downton Abbey. They have become much better about remembering the servants’ birthdays as a result. And we pay a lot of attention to what the upper class folks at places like Mara Lago are doing. My son wants to underpay the prostitute that he was giving hush money to but was inspired by Don’s example to be generous. We also have gotten some really great gardening and decorating tips by watching Melania in action.

Then you will be familiar with Lady Violet's proclamation that "vulgarity is no substitute for wit." Do try for wit in the future.

[Anonymous]

I keep my house very quiet. Some households seem to always have the TV blaring, loud toys, or loud constant talk. I believe that kids (and adults) should be able to have some silence and quiet in their lives.

Right now I’m having a post-breakfast coffee and poked my head into the living room. My 2nd grader (who is home with a fever) is sitting in his beanbag reading quietly.

Being an 8 year old boy, of course he gets silly and loud. But there is a time and a place. He is perfectly capable of going to Michelin starred restaurants and classical musical events, and has been since he was in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

[Anonymous]

Behavior modeled at home, repeated regular exposure to such situations, with corrective feedback as needed. And I have noticed that school is pretty detrimental to gracious, refined behavior… at least at my upper middle class public. But you do what you can at home and by choosing your circles wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like tips from those whose children embody these qualities. Is it their schooling? Behavior that is modeled at home? Exposure to upper class society?

Post in parenting forum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Behavior modeled at home, repeated regular exposure to such situations, with corrective feedback as needed. And I have noticed that school is pretty detrimental to gracious, refined behavior… at least at my upper middle class public. But you do what you can at home and by choosing your circles wisely.

Best answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Behavior modeled at home, repeated regular exposure to such situations, with corrective feedback as needed. And I have noticed that school is pretty detrimental to gracious, refined behavior… at least at my upper middle class public. But you do what you can at home and by choosing your circles wisely.

SO TRUE!!

We moved from private to TJ and I notice this in the kids there. We are headed back to private, not only because of this cultural difference but also because of this cultural difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

[Anonymous]

Cotilion and taking them to fancy places to show what is expected.

[Anonymous]

I come from a working-class, non-college educated and peasant (we are Arabs from a village, a big difference from urban Arabs) family. I was everything but gracious and refined thanks to my background. So I'm trying to foster a different environment for my children by engaging them, teaching them empathy and emotional regulation while also allowing them to experience hardship and trying not to coddle them. I believe humility is important to cultivating grace because when you are clear-eyed about your flaws you will not consider yourself above others and will exhibit grace. I think people overdo it in instilling confidence in their kids, which can spill into being egotistical if you are not careful.

The only advantage of growing up low class (other than being so grateful for things others take for granted!) is that a lack of ego made me so curious about the world. I don't want my children to be unconfident like I was, but a bit of humility opens you up to the world, and to people.