How to raise children that are gracious and refined?

[Anonymous]

I have received compliments from others about my son but not my daughter. We talked to both kids about manners and politeness. Honestly just acknowledging a grownup, saying hello, goodbye and thank you go a long way. You’d be surprised how many of my kids friends don’t even acknowledge me when they come over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

Pointing out when someone does something correctly is not comparison. But I'm sure YOU are the perfect parent and your children are perfect too. You are probably the most humble person too, so definitely not what OP is thinking about - a smug arrogant one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

Pointing out when someone does something correctly is not comparison. But I'm sure YOU are the perfect parent and your children are perfect too. You are probably the most humble person too, so definitely not what OP is thinking about - a smug arrogant one.

+1 I'm sure PP's kids are just as "kind" as she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have received compliments from others about my son but not my daughter. We talked to both kids about manners and politeness. Honestly just acknowledging a grownup, saying hello, goodbye and thank you go a long way. You’d be surprised how many of my kids friends don’t even acknowledge me when they come over.

+1. We are exactly the same. I receive so many compliments on DS. He is gracious and kind and teachers and friends love him. My DD is polite but not sure she’s gracious. It may be part of her introverted personality. But really it’s the behavior you model at home and expecting them to be that way when they are out and about. Their peers and social circle also makes a big influence. And yes, it’s amazing how few of their friends or classmates acknowledge adults. Just plain rude.

[Anonymous]

I don't know really how you can teach that. I mean there's the understanding of what graciousness and refinement means but if someone's nature is more extroverted and bubbly or blunt and boisterous - is that horrible?

I grew up in a refined and gracious very wealthy well manner household, many friends likewise. I think we are all nice people. I don't think that it makes me like someone more however if they are exactly like this. I value kindness - true kindness and down to earth honesty much much much much much more because I understand that refinement and graciousness is kinda fake at the end of the day.

The best people I know are not refined as much as honest and warm and kind. That comes in different shapes is how I see it. Just an energy I get and it crosses financial boundaries.

I think what's more important is having my kids be exposed to various cultures and appreciate different approaches and recognize there are many paths to the same goals without one being worse even if different.

[Anonymous]

Modeling and exposure. I’m a SAHM and bless all the librarians, servers, cashiers, mail carriers, bus drivers, police officers etc who wait patiently for my tiny people to get out their little politeness scripts. It starts with me saying the script in their ear and they say it almost in real time, but eventually they get it on their own.

[Anonymous]

This is America. We have a lot of unrefined heroes.

[Anonymous]

As their parent ... Be the example

Raise em' up how you want em' to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

It’s totally okay to point out someone who does something well. It does not mean you are comparing or pointing out how someone else is lacking.

If you go to professional concert and you note how great the violin soloist was, does this mean you are telling your 4th grade newbie he is lacking? No. You are simply pointing out something to aspire to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is America. We have a lot of unrefined heroes.

The country has sent the message that graciousness and refined behavior are not valued in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like tips from those whose children embody these qualities. Is it their schooling? Behavior that is modeled at home? Exposure to upper class society?

You can only raise children with these qualities if you have these qualities and if most of the people around you have these qualities.

Most of the upper class people I see in the world do not seem very gracious- graciousness is something that transcends finances and I suspect something you are not really super familiar with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

Pointing out when someone does something correctly is not comparison. But I'm sure YOU are the perfect parent and your children are perfect too. You are probably the most humble person too, so definitely not what OP is thinking about - a smug arrogant one.

Agree—pointing out correct behavior does not mean comparison or even shaming. I’m a teacher and recognizing good behavior is a great strategy for promoting good behavior for others-they see what is expected and if they do that then they get praise as well.

[Anonymous]

Here we go with the WASP worship. Cultivate actual empathy in your kids, not just benign politeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a working-class, non-college educated and peasant (we are Arabs from a village, a big difference from urban Arabs) family. I was everything but gracious and refined thanks to my background. So I'm trying to foster a different environment for my children by engaging them, teaching them empathy and emotional regulation while also allowing them to experience hardship and trying not to coddle them. I believe humility is important to cultivating grace because when you are clear-eyed about your flaws you will not consider yourself above others and will exhibit grace. I think people overdo it in instilling confidence in their kids, which can spill into being egotistical if you are not careful.

The only advantage of growing up low class (other than being so grateful for things others take for granted!) is that a lack of ego made me so curious about the world. I don't want my children to be unconfident like I was, but a bit of humility opens you up to the world, and to people.

Humility is such an under-rated virtue. I think it’s a wonderful thing to recognize and maintain.