How to raise children that are gracious and refined?

[Anonymous]

Dinner as a family helps most nights. It’s a good time to demonstrate the behaviours you want to model for your children.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on adults modeling the behaviors they’d like to see. Gracious living never goes out of style.

For example, it’s a tradition in our family that when a child reaches 16, their grandparents buy them a jar of Grey Poupon and a chauffeured car in which to keep it. It’s important to always be ready to help those in need.

[Anonymous]

You cannot buy good manners.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm confused about what is meant here by 'gracious'. Is this basically teaching really wealthy kids how to be kind to the little people that they look down on? You keep talking about your kid's scripts to the mailman and the cleaning lady. Honestly, it all sounds a little gross. and Downton Abbey like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm confused about what is meant here by 'gracious'. Is this basically teaching really wealthy kids how to be kind to the little people that they look down on? You keep talking about your kid's scripts to the mailman and the cleaning lady. Honestly, it all sounds a little gross. and Downton Abbey like

That is exactly what they are talking about, not humility, which is the real source of grace and kindness.

[Anonymous]

Swiss boarding school STAT

[Anonymous]

My kid is gracious - but it’s the humble quality others have referenced. Being open, extending invitations, not excluding, never bragging, being genuinely happy for others! Very few well to do kids are gracious.

[Anonymous]

Gross.

[Anonymous]

_who_ are gracious and refined.

[Anonymous]

Kids are obtuse and don’t pick up on things always. I explicitly told my kids the rules of polite society: please and thank you, look at people when you speak to them, firm handshakes, what to say when you see a neighbor outside “good afternoon Ms Smith!” , never ever say bad things about a host’s food or home, push food around on your plate and smile. Another big one is the proper way to introduce someone into a conversation that you’re having “Larla, this is Larlo. Larlo also likes to watch baseball and was just telling me about how he went to the game over the weekend.”

I swear most kids just grunt when you say hi to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep my house very quiet. Some households seem to always have the TV blaring, loud toys, or loud constant talk. I believe that kids (and adults) should be able to have some silence and quiet in their lives.

Right now I’m having a post-breakfast coffee and poked my head into the living room. My 2nd grader (who is home with a fever) is sitting in his beanbag reading quietly.

Being an 8 year old boy, of course he gets silly and loud. But there is a time and a place. He is perfectly capable of going to Michelin starred restaurants and classical musical events, and has been since he was in kindergarten.

So dumb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

Pointing out when someone does something correctly is not comparison. But I'm sure YOU are the perfect parent and your children are perfect too. You are probably the most humble person too, so definitely not what OP is thinking about - a smug arrogant one.

I am the perfect parent, thanks so much for noticing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

It’s totally okay to point out someone who does something well. It does not mean you are comparing or pointing out how someone else is lacking.

If you go to professional concert and you note how great the violin soloist was, does this mean you are telling your 4th grade newbie he is lacking? No. You are simply pointing out something to aspire to.

If you point out to your 4th grader how great another 4th grader plays the violin, you are comparing and you are definitely going to make him/her feel bad. That's what she is doing by pointing out how another child is behaving. She is not point out the manners of an adult. Your analogy is incorrect, apples and oranges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

It’s totally okay to point out someone who does something well. It does not mean you are comparing or pointing out how someone else is lacking.

If you go to professional concert and you note how great the violin soloist was, does this mean you are telling your 4th grade newbie he is lacking? No. You are simply pointing out something to aspire to.

If you point out to your 4th grader how great another 4th grader plays the violin, you are comparing and you are definitely going to make him/her feel bad. That's what she is doing by pointing out how another child is behaving. She is not point out the manners of an adult. Your analogy is incorrect, apples and oranges.

Seriously, it is just mindboggling how dumb some of you are, and how you cannot think logically.

[Anonymous]

If you can get your kids to chew with their mouths closed, you'll be better off than 75% of other kids.