How to raise children that are gracious and refined?

[Anonymous]

As long as they don’t shit with the bathroom door open we good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here we go with the WASP worship. Cultivate actual empathy in your kids, not just benign politeness.

Wasps are gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Modeling and exposure. I’m a SAHM and bless all the librarians, servers, cashiers, mail carriers, bus drivers, police officers etc who wait patiently for my tiny people to get out their little politeness scripts. It starts with me saying the script in their ear and they say it almost in real time, but eventually they get it on their own.

So fake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Swiss boarding school STAT

It's called Swiss Finishing School.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

It’s totally okay to point out someone who does something well. It does not mean you are comparing or pointing out how someone else is lacking.

If you go to professional concert and you note how great the violin soloist was, does this mean you are telling your 4th grade newbie he is lacking? No. You are simply pointing out something to aspire to.

If you point out to your 4th grader how great another 4th grader plays the violin, you are comparing and you are definitely going to make him/her feel bad. That's what she is doing by pointing out how another child is behaving. She is not point out the manners of an adult. Your analogy is incorrect, apples and oranges.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We watch a lot of Downton Abbey. They have become much better about remembering the servants’ birthdays as a result. And we pay a lot of attention to what the upper class folks at places like Mara Lago are doing. My son wants to underpay the prostitute that he was giving hush money to but was inspired by Don’s example to be generous. We also have gotten some really great gardening and decorating tips by watching Melania in action.

🤣👌

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We watch a lot of Downton Abbey. They have become much better about remembering the servants’ birthdays as a result. And we pay a lot of attention to what the upper class folks at places like Mara Lago are doing. My son wants to underpay the prostitute that he was giving hush money to but was inspired by Don’s example to be generous. We also have gotten some really great gardening and decorating tips by watching Melania in action.

Then you will be familiar with Lady Violet's proclamation that "vulgarity is no substitute for wit." Do try for wit in the future.

Hit close to home I guess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat your kids with respect and you will produce respectful kids. Model the behavior you want them to have and gently guide them when the misstep. I sometimes point out people outside our family who have exceptional behavior. For example to my 8 year old, who doesn't always remember to thank her host, I might say "did you see how Larla thanked me when she left the playdate? Her mom didn't have to remind her. She's so polite."

I never compared my kids to other kids. I think that's rude and hurtful, even when they need to be corrected. I focused on being polite and requiring it of them, not pointing out their flaws as compared to their peers--which in and of itself is not gracious or polite behaviour.

They are in their 20s now, so their manners are pretty well set. Boarding school in New England helped, as mentioned by another poster. Modeling at home does as well, of course. They are kind, empathetic, and definitely have good manners.

Pointing out when someone does something correctly is not comparison. But I'm sure YOU are the perfect parent and your children are perfect too. You are probably the most humble person too, so definitely not what OP is thinking about - a smug arrogant one.

I am the perfect parent, thanks so much for noticing.

You win the prize for the most humble person. It's not a competition to be humble, but if it were, you would win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can get your kids to chew with their mouths closed, you'll be better off than 75% of other kids.

YES!!!
Bonus point for getting them to eat with a knife and fork and not produce a debris field around their plate.

[Anonymous]

Well, for starters, it's who

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can get your kids to chew with their mouths closed, you'll be better off than 75% of other kids.

YES!!!
Bonus point for getting them to eat with a knife and fork and not produce a debris field around their plate.

When you figure out how to teach this, please let me know. I've spent years on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like tips from those whose children embody these qualities. Is it their schooling? Behavior that is modeled at home? Exposure to upper class society?

LOL. NO the the bolded. Also no to "upper class society". WTF. Most of the rudest kids at our children's public school have affluenza. It's almost 100% the middle one, at home, but the key is that the family actually has family time together so the children pick up the family values (dinner together, family game night, family hikes, etc). If the kids are always on an ipad and/or spend all their free time with peers, those influences will overtake.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't listen to these sarcastic posters. It is wonderful to aspire to good manners and gracious living. They add beauty to life. Knowing how to behave also gives confidence.

Read the latest edition of Emily Post's book on etiquette.