If you chose to stay after infidelity, what did the next few months look like?

[Anonymous]

I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

[Anonymous]

My experience is they will be good for awhile. Maybe quite awhile, but eventually go back to having affairs.

Not to mention they will be better at hiding it. Plus you will need to periodically spot-check them. Disease is a big concern so make sure you do check up on them.

[Anonymous]

Guy here and the fact is he willingly chose to prioritize someone else over you and your marriage. The act isn’t probably isn’t as bad as the choice he made. My guess is that is what you are having difficulty reconciling. I wouldn’t be able to take spouse back after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience is they will be good for awhile. Maybe quite awhile, but eventually go back to having affairs.

Not to mention they will be better at hiding it. Plus you will need to periodically spot-check them. Disease is a big concern so make sure you do check up on them.

Lol when you say “they.” Speak for yourself honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

I swear I'm not being cynical but moving on for me looks like working towards a realization that divorce is the best option. It takes two people to break a relationship, affair or not.. The affair, to my mind, is a symptom and not the cause. I think there's a big difference between having an open marriage, where you come to a joint decision that you both want to see other people, and an affair, which involves deceit and lying and anger. I don't think I would have been cool with an open marriage but I would have appreciated a conversation before my stbx sought comfort elsewhere. Weirdly I also seem to be in a better place as we head towards divorce than he is. In his mind he's still clinging to his case against me and his justifications for cheating. Dude: I don't care. I won't be able to trust my stbx again. At this stage of our lives ending it feels like the better option for me, even though he's the one who asked for the divorce. Life is funny. This is just my spin. Everyone's mileage will vary.

[Anonymous]

So I am guessing you are not a fan of Martha Stewart’s advice??

Just kidding.
Well sort of.
🫢

I am sorry this happened to you OP.
This is one of the most hurtful things a spouse can do & it is so very unfair that you now have to endure this emotional pain due to your husband’s nefarious actions.

Not just this……
But you are also now forced to also deal w/the new dynamic that your marriage has become.

Fact: You will NEVER again have the marriage that you enjoyed prior to the indiscretion.

The overall dynamic has now been permanently changed and if you decide to remain in your marriage you must be 💯% okay accepting this.

Some people can do this - they learn how to adapt to their “new normal.”
Others cannot because they feel like they did not bargain for this whatsoever.

The trust has been severely severed and to rebuild it no one knows if it can ever be.
And if it can be, for just how long could this possibly take?

Just some food for thought……

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

I swear I'm not being cynical but moving on for me looks like working towards a realization that divorce is the best option. It takes two people to break a relationship, affair or not.. The affair, to my mind, is a symptom and not the cause. I think there's a big difference between having an open marriage, where you come to a joint decision that you both want to see other people, and an affair, which involves deceit and lying and anger. I don't think I would have been cool with an open marriage but I would have appreciated a conversation before my stbx sought comfort elsewhere. Weirdly I also seem to be in a better place as we head towards divorce than he is. In his mind he's still clinging to his case against me and his justifications for cheating. Dude: I don't care. I won't be able to trust my stbx again. At this stage of our lives ending it feels like the better option for me, even though he's the one who asked for the divorce. Life is funny. This is just my spin. Everyone's mileage will vary.

+10000x

Don’t forget to add *betrayal as well.

And excellent input re: trust.

[Anonymous]

OP - two months out too. Sounds like you are a bit further along than me. I’m past feeling the need to talk and ask questions every day and that feels good. But it will be a long time before I trust. Just had our anniversary and it was hard.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who worked through the pain of deep betrayal and have been together for 30 years now. The husband did a lot of therapy, they did couples therapy, and the wife let go of illusions and grew up as well. Rare, but it can work of both parties are willing to put in the effort.

[Anonymous]

Wife had a 16 month long emotional affair during which she completely froze me out no matter what I did to try to get through. I spent nearly a year and a half with spiraling anxiety and thought I had developed a panic disorder but it turns out my brain just knew I was being lied to on the daily. She and the affair partner exchanged I love you’s, I’d bet there was sexting/video stuff but I have no proof and didn’t ask.

During the freeze out I wanted so badly to feel her again but noticed as time went on my feelings for her would just kind of fade, I would kiss her and sometimes feel nothing. When she was in her (secret) affair my body wouldn’t react to her and if we did try and have sex there was a 70% chance I wouldn’t get hard or my erection would disappear once we got started; erectile dysfunction is something I never had and it compounded my mental misery.

It’s a year since I caught her, we did counseling which was basically just an hour of supervised pointless circular conversation.

I don’t read feel good around her and even bland exchanges about nothing important turn tense, she is very pretty objectively but I’m not attracted to her.

Our connection is heavily damaged and I have my part play in that, every once in a while there are moments where I feel real joy being with her, I just don’t know how to string enough of them together to keep my head moving forward in the right direction. I think about all the lies and manipulation, the times I asked her straight out if she was seeing someone and she’d go silent and it disgusts me. If I had never noticed the poor treatment and only discovered that she was texting someone I would’ve just asked her to stop and that probably would’ve been it, but the year and a half of bad treatment and lies is the thing that’s holding me up.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Two months out wouldn't be soon enough for me to decide that I was staying. I thought, I'll give it six months and then evaluate then. Then I decided to give it another six months and evaluate. At some point I stopped putting a date on it. But it was about two years before I felt like it would stick.

It doesn't sound like you are sweeping it under the rug, but I do think two months is nothing for a betrayal and how can you know if whatever he is doing is truly sincere and truly making a difference?

[Anonymous]

But honestly, after an infidelity don’t you spend the rest of your marriage with the expectation in the back of your mind that the other shoe will someday drop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience is they will be good for awhile. Maybe quite awhile, but eventually go back to having affairs.

Not to mention they will be better at hiding it. Plus you will need to periodically spot-check them. Disease is a big concern so make sure you do check up on them.

Lol when you say “they.” Speak for yourself honey.

Yes they lol and my experience. I've seen it with friends, and acquaintances. Yes, a small percentage will be successful, but with the majority a cheater will do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But honestly, after an infidelity don’t you spend the rest of your marriage with the expectation in the back of your mind that the other shoe will someday drop?

You can’t or you’d go insane. It could happen but why worry in advance. Have a plan for if it does is my best advice. Use the affair to get your finances etc straightened out

[Anonymous]

Two months is awfully quick. I’m over a year post discovery. I suppose it depends on type of affair my DH’s was a relationship for about 7 months. We are in a much better place. There were issues in our marriage , which is no excuse at all, but working on understanding those and forging a better relationship has been what’s healing. I still have bad days. Usually now rather than going into it all for the 2000th time, I just let him know. My way of saying it is “I’m battling my mind today” and he will ask what do you need? Sometimes I need to be physically close/cuddle or sometimes I need a longs walk and a little space. We are working through it. I’m healing and like a lot of awful things it’s broken me and us porn but I’m taking it as an opportunity for me and my marriage to be better, more healthy and more fulfilling.