If you chose to stay after infidelity, what did the next few months look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two months is awfully quick. I’m over a year post discovery. I suppose it depends on type of affair my DH’s was a relationship for about 7 months. We are in a much better place. There were issues in our marriage , which is no excuse at all, but working on understanding those and forging a better relationship has been what’s healing. I still have bad days. Usually now rather than going into it all for the 2000th time, I just let him know. My way of saying it is “I’m battling my mind today” and he will ask what do you need? Sometimes I need to be physically close/cuddle or sometimes I need a longs walk and a little space. We are working through it. I’m healing and like a lot of awful things it’s broken me and us porn but I’m taking it as an opportunity for me and my marriage to be better, more healthy and more fulfilling.

“Open”. NOT “porn”. 😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

Two months seems really early, for me it was like I would reconcile one aspect of the betrayal then another would occur to me, each one of these revelations would bring out every combination of negative emotion which also felt like purgatory.
I’d have a great day, then three miserable ones in a row, but it never felt like moving forward or moving into dissolving my marriage I was just kind of stuck.
I am surprised and happy for you that you were able to process this and have it not be a very big deal, maybe there wasn’t a lot of lying involved, that seems to be the thing that most of us in this situation have the biggest problem with, it’s not the act itself It’s the cover-up and lies that hurt us the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

Two months seems really early, for me it was like I would reconcile one aspect of the betrayal then another would occur to me, each one of these revelations would bring out every combination of negative emotion which also felt like purgatory.
I’d have a great day, then three miserable ones in a row, but it never felt like moving forward or moving into dissolving my marriage I was just kind of stuck.
I am surprised and happy for you that you were able to process this and have it not be a very big deal, maybe there wasn’t a lot of lying involved, that seems to be the thing that most of us in this situation have the biggest problem with, it’s not the act itself It’s the cover-up and lies that hurt us the most.

It wasn't the crime itself that brought Nixon down during Watergate. It was the coverup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

Two months seems really early, for me it was like I would reconcile one aspect of the betrayal then another would occur to me, each one of these revelations would bring out every combination of negative emotion which also felt like purgatory.
I’d have a great day, then three miserable ones in a row, but it never felt like moving forward or moving into dissolving my marriage I was just kind of stuck.
I am surprised and happy for you that you were able to process this and have it not be a very big deal, maybe there wasn’t a lot of lying involved, that seems to be the thing that most of us in this situation have the biggest problem with, it’s not the act itself It’s the cover-up and lies that hurt us the most.

It wasn't the crime itself that brought Nixon down during Watergate. It was the coverup.

OP here. The cover up (the lying and deception) is the thing I’m having the harder time with. I know it’s really early, but I sort of have the mentality that my worrying won’t change what he chooses to do, the only thing I have control over is my reaction if it happens again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two months out wouldn't be soon enough for me to decide that I was staying. I thought, I'll give it six months and then evaluate then. Then I decided to give it another six months and evaluate. At some point I stopped putting a date on it. But it was about two years before I felt like it would stick.

It doesn't sound like you are sweeping it under the rug, but I do think two months is nothing for a betrayal and how can you know if whatever he is doing is truly sincere and truly making a difference?

I could have written this. Only have two years of weekly individual and couples therapy, date nights, 2 vacations without the kids, reading books/forums, etc did I feel like we were really going to make it.

Then at 2 years and 2 months out, I found the start of a second affair and kicked him out. Such a gross waste of my time. I could have been two years into healing myself if I had just left and not give him one more day of my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m two months out and have chosen to stay and work things out. He is in therapy and putting in the effort. I was initially devastated, but have made peace. I suppose I’m someone who believes this isn’t the worst thing that a marriage could suffer, but at the same time, I wonder if I’m in denial. (My therapist doesn’t think so, she thinks I’m just open minded.)

I had to make peace with it and while I wouldn’t say I have swept it under the rug, it’s not something I can pain shop and remind myself about daily. I chose to stay, I chose to work on trusting again, and he’s willingly doing his part.

So what now? It feels like this strange purgatory. What does moving on look like? When does your “new normal” actually become normal?

Two months seems really early, for me it was like I would reconcile one aspect of the betrayal then another would occur to me, each one of these revelations would bring out every combination of negative emotion which also felt like purgatory.
I’d have a great day, then three miserable ones in a row, but it never felt like moving forward or moving into dissolving my marriage I was just kind of stuck.
I am surprised and happy for you that you were able to process this and have it not be a very big deal, maybe there wasn’t a lot of lying involved, that seems to be the thing that most of us in this situation have the biggest problem with, it’s not the act itself It’s the cover-up and lies that hurt us the most.

It wasn't the crime itself that brought Nixon down during Watergate. It was the coverup.

OP here. The cover up (the lying and deception) is the thing I’m having the harder time with. I know it’s really early, but I sort of have the mentality that my worrying won’t change what he chooses to do, the only thing I have control over is my reaction if it happens again.

That’s a healthy way to look at it and the way I did and do. The thing I wrestle with is it’s like, OK you’ve dumped this pile of crap in my lap and now it’s up to me to see if I can live with it. The betrayal also causes me to do a fair amount of inventory, I look at my spouse differently and often think about what it is they really add to my life.

I don’t need their money, I can’t really trust them, they are capable of treating me horribly, do I really like them as a person and if we just met would I continue to want to hang out with them? It’s pretty much a long string of no answers to all of those but occasionally there are bright spots and they mess everything up. it’s been much longer for me and I don’t get the physical betrayal responses anymore but they are just under the surface.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But honestly, after an infidelity don’t you spend the rest of your marriage with the expectation in the back of your mind that the other shoe will someday drop?

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But honestly, after an infidelity don’t you spend the rest of your marriage with the expectation in the back of your mind that the other shoe will someday drop?

THIS!

Maybe. But then again there are soooo many spouses being cheated on now that have no idea. At least I know what to look for now and I’ll never question myself again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But honestly, after an infidelity don’t you spend the rest of your marriage with the expectation in the back of your mind that the other shoe will someday drop?

THIS!

Maybe. But then again there are soooo many spouses being cheated on now that have no idea. At least I know what to look for now and I’ll never question myself again.

Yep. I’m blown away with the number of marriages rocked by infidelity I recently found out about this past year. And most of these were due to meeting fellow cheaters online. The online apps have killed marriages. It’s too easy. I can only imagine how many more I don’t know about and the spouses don’t know about. From marriages of 25-30 years to marriages of 3-5 years, it’s crazy.