birthday disappointment and I'm feeling sorry for myself.

[Anonymous]

I turned 50 this weekend. My husband asked a week ago if I wanted a party or a gathering and I said no as that is not my style. So he bought me a pie at the grocery store. We said down with the 2 of 3 teenagers who were home at the time and I had a piece of pie. We had two friends stop by and they shared the pie with us.
That was it. No cards, gifts, etc except my parents sent me a card. Many friends checked in by text and phone.
I think I messed up because I didn't specify to my husband that I would have liked a gift or for my teenagers to acknowledge my birthday.
No, I didn't want a party but I also didn't want it to just be ignored.
Sometimes it's exhausting to have to plan everything but I know I have little room to complain if I didn't specify what it was that I wanted. So I have no real grounds to be hurt.
I'm 50 years old. Whew. Today is a new day.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. A week ago? That's not enough time to plan for an event like this. Since you claim that is not your style, I would say you got what you asked for.

Also, be happy. You were surrounded by loved ones on a chill afternoon, sharing a special day with those who really matter. I think that is indeed special.

[Anonymous]

Happy birthday! And I'm sorry - that does sound tough. And I'd be disappointed too in your shoes.

Can you say to your husband now "I know I said I didn't want a party, but this birthday is a big one and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it and realizing now I would have like something bigger to mark it. Can we do something to celebrate this next chapter in my life? Do you think you help plan that for/with me?"

Maybe that's a fancy dinner or overnight somewhere with DH. Maybe it's getting the teenagers to cheerful feign excitement about going out to a play or concert with you or a slightly more indulgent vacation than you'd usually take. Maybe it's a weekend away with a couple girlfriends. It's not too late! Even if you don't doing much, usually for me just talking through disappointment with DH makes me feel better and able to move on. It sounds like you can approach it in a non-accusatory way (taking some of the blame for not being clearer which you did in your post) which is great.

[Anonymous]

Happy birthday! 50 is a big deal. You can still celebrate with your family. Tell dh that you’d like to do something special as a family to mark wrapping up first half of the century. It can be anything- going to see a show at Kennedy center for example, or going for a long hike and picnic. But tell him to arrange it with the kids and surprise you.

[Anonymous]

Focus on the people you share your time with, not the things.

[Anonymous]

DH here. My DW is turning 50 in a year and I’m already stressing about what to do.

She is the most anti-party no-gift person, but this is 50!

You have every right to feel down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happy birthday! 50 is a big deal. You can still celebrate with your family. Tell dh that you’d like to do something special as a family to mark wrapping up first half of the century. It can be anything- going to see a show at Kennedy center for example, or going for a long hike and picnic. But tell him to arrange it with the kids and surprise you.

This!

I know my DH Will always show up with flowers, cake and a card but if I want more, I definitely have to hint at it or straight out tell him. Then he delivers. Some years I feel like I don’t need anything other than to be with the family, other years we’ve done dinners, music, overnight trips, etc. I’m four years away from 50 and I think I want a facelift for that one, LOL!!

Happy birthday, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, can I ask you something?

If you feel this way, why wouldn’t you just say “hey family, I appreciate the pie but I think I’m realizing I’d like to do up my 50th more. I want a gift and for the teens to plan and execute some sort of celebratory dinner. Is next Saturday okay?”

Like why just let it go by and be disappointed? It doesn’t matter if it’s not your actual birthday. You could also still plan a party. No one would care if it’s a few months after the official date.

[Anonymous]

I totally get birthday disappointment, OP. Been there.

I had a different take on your report: You had *many* friends check in my text and phone and two stop by to wish you a happy birthday! Your parents sent you a card. That is very cool in my mind. Not a big fanfare but you have people who treasure you, actively reached out and you were not ignored. Sometimes I think getting an objective perspective is helpful, so just sharing that reading what you wrote it is evident that there were a lot of people out there who thought about you on your BD. Happy BD.

[Anonymous]

Hey op I posted a while back about being more or less forgotten on my bday including parents and friends. I don’t want parties etc but some acknowledgment would be nice. the last time I celebrated my bday with anything more than a cake at home was 40. I’m 54. Kids took over my life but it’s more than that…

I think next year I’m going to plan a weekend away with a friend or two.l or spouse but I’m not going to dismiss myself like usual.

Maybe true for you as well but I think a lot of us crave acknowledgment of all we do for others and somehow feel we are selfish for asking for attention.

In our family, I take care of spouse, kids, fully responsible one of my parents with dementia and I manage ppl at work. I’m the doer, the manager, the organizer, the planner. I do all our trips, finances, medial appt, camp forms, figure out when kids need tutoring, cook dinners, organize carpools, plan family events and trips, pay our bills…I’m the glue for others and esp our family. I realize I just wanted to be seen for me and have someone else plan something nice for me for once but I’ve also never been encouraged to ask for it. I was raised in a family where my needs were not met and I became a people pleaser. It’s uncomfortable to ask for anything but being sad and slightly resentful isn’t the answer either.

[Anonymous]

In a marriage, both people eventually go through the same monumental birthdays. We have open conversations about how we each want to celebrate them. Since we are close in age, we tend to plan something big together to mark the age and then have a family dinner on the day, but if there’s an age gap there could be two completely different celebrations. Ever since i learned to just talk about stuff I’ve been much happier.

[Anonymous]

Your children didn’t didn’t give you a card?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can I ask you something?

If you feel this way, why wouldn’t you just say “hey family, I appreciate the pie but I think I’m realizing I’d like to do up my 50th more. I want a gift and for the teens to plan and execute some sort of celebratory dinner. Is next Saturday okay?”

Like why just let it go by and be disappointed? It doesn’t matter if it’s not your actual birthday. You could also still plan a party. No one would care if it’s a few months after the official date.

OP here. I'm actually going to do this. It's the morning after today and I've feeling sad but I'm going to rally and get this dinner together for next weekend. Thank you to everyone who suggested this and encouraged me that it's not too late.

What makes me saddest is that all 3 of my kids were not even together for the piece of pie yesterday. It felt like a complete non-event. I don't need things or a grand event but I would like a moment in time when I see my kids and husband.

[Anonymous]

Are you the "planner" in your family? I am, and I've learned that I have to make my expectations clear in situations where I'm the one being celebrated. While it would be great if everyone else would spontaneously pick up that mantle, it's not going to happen. That being said, when I do ask for something they are genuinely pleased to oblige.

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you suggest going out to dinner or something if you wanted more?

I find it so annoying when people say they don't want anything then get disappointed when people do as they ask.

You could have gone out last minute even when you discovered you felt this way. Lots of places have last minute openings due to cancellations. This is on you.