Having Kids Is Overrated and Most People Have No Idea Until It’s Way Too Late

[Anonymous]

I see so many discussions about whether it’s worth having kids or not. I’m about to be an empty nester, and I’m also friends with some much younger people who are on the verge of having children. And I feel like when people talk about the pros and cons of children they always talk about the inconveniences and joys of the younger years.

But the reality is that those years go by quickly. And then you’re left being the parent to an adult—who you hope doesn’t hate you and you have a good relationship with. But god knows I know plenty of people who don’t have amazing relationships as adults with their parents.

I look at some of these younger people and I never say it but sometimes I really want to ask them to think if it’s worth it. Those early hard years. And then those magical good years in between when they think you’re the best in the world. But then the teenage years when there’s so much stress about their futures and you’re just an idiot half the time.

But then also beyond that. Being an almost 50 year old with 80 year old parents. Do I bring my mom joy? Half the time she’s mad at me for something or she pissed me off.

I don’t regret having my child. I love them. But I had absolutely NO idea what I was getting into. I could not think beyond those initial childhood years. But those years are nothing compared to all of the rest of the years you are a parent and managing and hoping to have a good relationship with an adult child. Sometimes I wonder—would I have done it if I’d known. But I know there was really no way to know. I’m not sure.

[Anonymous]

Noted. Thanks for giving us your personal opinion.
I'm sure others will chime in.

[Anonymous]

Hindsight is always 20/20.

[Anonymous]

Whatever. I have a terrible relationship with my crappy mom that required lots of therapy to get over, but my own two daughters are my favorite people in the world and I love hanging out with them. So glad I didn’t do all this self absorbed navel gazing that kept me from creating these two awesome people. Just get on with it, or don’t, damn. I’m tired of hearing about your thought process either way

[Anonymous]

Not for me. I loved every minute of it. One of my kids has special needs, and I sacrificed my career to care for him. I only wish I could have had more kids. Kids are young adults and teens now.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that your experiences as a parent or child sucked.

I came from an abusive childhood and love being a parent more than anything.

I wish more people talked about the joy and fulfillment that comes from be part of a happy and stable family.

[Anonymous]

Yep. I had a strong biological urge and I wanted the full range of human experiences so I chose to have kids. It’s overwhelming. My career is over, I don’t even know who I am anymore, money is tight, and I really don’t enjoy being a mother. In fact, I hate it a lot of the time. I liked when my first was a baby but that’s about it. And now my relationship with DH has suffered so much that even when they leave home it’ll just be carnage in their wake. I love my children, but it’d be nice if being a parent was a part-time thing.

[Anonymous]

Most of my friends complain, even the ones with kids that are in college and beyond. I’m glad I made the choice not to have them - I know it was the right choice for me. Happy for those that are enjoying their journey. Empathy for those that are not.

[Anonymous]

Agree. If I had known I wouldn’t have had kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do love my kid and have a decent relationship with them. My point is just that I don’t know if the joy really outweighs the sadness/frustration/regret in the long run. When I was 30 and had my child there was no way I could really imagine being 48. And there’s no way I can really imagine now being 60 and what my relationship with my child will be then. I actually have a pretty decent relationship with my parents. It’s not all daisies and roses but I know they love me. I also know I disappointed them in a lot of ways.

The title of my post was overblown. I guess it’s more of a question than a statement. Right now as my child is getting ready to go off to college, I wonder if I would be done it if I’d known what I know now. I can’t imagine life without my child. But I don’t know if I would have.

[Anonymous]

I think if there was full disclosure, there would be far fewer children. Both my children are special needs and it has been a long slog. It has been more onerous than joyful. I wish I could have found more joy in it.

[Anonymous]

When my almost 21yo DS walked in this morning and wanted to chat (he stayed at school all summer, was working, took a class, and had a lease anyway) I couldn't imagine I'd feel that level of joy. When I am 50 in a couple of years, the oldest will have graduated from college (and if he needs to live here for a bit, OK) and youngest is off to college himself.

OP is this more about being with your spouse alone? Because this is what worries me.

[Anonymous]

I would have more kids if my DH did not stop at 2.

In fact, if we did not have children, I would not stay with him. Him taking care of the kids and being a good dad is what drives my attraction. He is not a good husband but a good dad.

[Anonymous]

Your experience is not everyone's experience and to assume that everyone is going to feel that anything is overrated is not true at all. I had kids and while I don't push my kids too it wasn't overrated for me. I am not starting a thread saying how amazing or awful it is either.

Everyone is different. Also the end of life and taking care of elders isn't for the faint hearted. We have a 91 year old and an 86 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have more kids if my DH did not stop at 2.

In fact, if we did not have children, I would not stay with him. Him taking care of the kids and being a good dad is what drives my attraction. He is not a good husband but a good dad.

You are mentally ill

Your children know he’s not a good husband

They will need major therapy