How do you deal with gnawing guilt?
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Anonymous
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I have posted here before about my 92 yo father who is just starting to show signs of short term memory issues but is mobile and in pretty good shape otherwise. I recently moved both my parents (mother is 89 and independent) into an independent living community which I’ve been very happy with so far. It is clear after this move that he needs assisted living. They are working with us to get that move going but in the interim, the transition has not be smooth for my Dad. He does not want to be there. It helps that my mom is there but he is experiencing sun downing, has been hospitalized twice for dehydration, his mobility seems worse since he moved. I suspect the move confused him but I also suspect that I didn’t know the extent of the care he needed until I saw it up close.
I am exhausted, sad, fed up, and constantly feeling like 1) things aren’t happening fast enough (ie getting him moved to assisted living) and 2) that I might be hyperfocusing on their care because my loved ones (sister, husband) tell me that I’m doing great and the best I can but need to accept the reality of their age and stop being so hard o myself or I will fall back into anxiety. They want to help and I’ve gotten better at delegating certain things but I really am doing it all. I feel constant guilt that I’m not doing more. That I can’t figure out how to help them in a way that doesn’t lead to another fall, another hospital visit, another [insert elderly issue here]. I think I just want to surround them in safety so nothing happens to them. I know this isn’t rational but it’s all I think about. I have a husband, two adolescent kids and a job. I don’t know why this feels so all encompassing. Normal when caring for the elderly? Or do I really need to take a step back and recognize some reality that I’m not seeing. I truly don’t know how much I should be doing to help them or what is a normal level of “I can make this better” I’m sorry if this feels all over the place, I’m not sleeping much at the moment. TIA. |
Anonymous
| Oof, OP here. Just saw how long my post was (face palm). TLDR; what is a normal level of caregiving, guilt, stress when trying to help elderly parents? Do I need to step back before I fall back into anxiety and depression? |
Anonymous
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That’s a lot happening quickly OP. I say this gently, but the “can’t stop thinking about” piece feels like the anxiety may already be back. How do you take care of yourself when that happens?
This is a huge transition for you too, so some focused therapy may be in order. Taking care of parents is really hard and, unlike kids, things aren’t generally improving over time. You have to take care of yourself too. |
Anonymous
| The constant stress involved in caregiving, whether from near or far is f-ing brutal. It will eat you alive. If you can, try (baby steps) to begin to let go a bit. You really have and are doing all you can without losing yourself completely. Refocus on your own mental health and being as the most important piece. It is wonderful that they will soon both be safely in the hands of assisted living. You are then free to let go a bit more. You can’t save them from the inevitable ailments of being old. They will (maybe) fall. They will get sick. Eventually they wil die. It’s just the reality. But once they are gone. Will you be ok? Start thinking about that now. Hugs to you |
Anonymous
| You can only do what seems to be the next right thing. I have often felt in retrospect that I did too much for my parents and that they stayed alive and suffered longer as a result. But I don’t know, even now, where I’d have done less. I think other posters make a good point that accepting a person will not get well is a help. I’m not sure I ever got there with my parents. |
Anonymous
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You are a very good person OP.
I think the reality of the U.S. caregiving is such that many kids don’t see their parents age up close and when the inevitable decline happens they are shocked and surprised. I think it’s normal that you are still in shock, but I am sure you are doing the best you possibly can. I say this as someone who is pretty consumed by caregiving as well, though I have a child going into high school and I should be forgiving on my career more. I think it’s a weird escape route for me (not saying it is for you, just sharing). |
Anonymous
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You are not alone in this OP. I had two whole years of tough decisions, second guessing, putting my life on the back burner, constant guilt and massive anxiety when I was trying to do the best by my mom.
To be clear your parents moved to Independent Living but your dad needs Assisted? Are they in a place where they can both move to Assisted together, even though your mom doesn't need it yet? It took my mom several weeks to adjust to any move I made with her, and unfortunately I went the Independent>Assisted>Memory Care when in retrospect I should have skipped Independent. Break the decisions and the chaos into one step at a time. Triage whatever can be back burnered. Once you get them stabilized somewhere you'll be able to breathe but I do call this time in our parents lives as "the calm between the crises". You'll get through this but you need to remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. I lay some fault on our elderly parents for not planning better. |
Anonymous
| Talk to your doctor about anti anxiety meds. This sounds extreme to me. |
Anonymous
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It is hard!
What I did was hire an elder care advisor, usually a social worker, who knew so much more than I did. She could check the apartment and saw things that weren’t safe, such as slippery bathroom floor mats. Easy fix. I could call her when I didn’t know what to do. This ended up costing a total of $1000. Today, it would be higher. Yes, there were times I lost sleep over elder care. Yes, there were hospitalizations. Yes, I returned early from an international trip once. At the end, my mom was lucky enough to die in her sleep at 96. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for this. I am living a parallel life. Two years of constant worry and being pulled in many different caregiving directions. The only person who gets ignored in my life is me. Everything bolded above is how I feel all the time, every day. I'm relieved to know others feel it and can put to words what I just can't seem to. Makes me feel heard and less crazy. I also feel I went Independent when I should have gone straight to Assisted with my Dad but the complicating factor was my mom who is independent and I didn't want her to move from being in her own home to being around people who she couldn't relate to at all. She was already a reluctant traveler. However, she can stay in Independent while my Dad moves to Assisted and we can take it month by month. If she decides she wants to join him in his place, great. If she wants to have uninterrupted sleep at night but hang out with him during the day, she can keep her own unit in Independent for now. I'm letting her decide what she wants and I'm more or less making the decisions for my Dad. Thank you for posting your thoughtful response and helping me feel less alone. |
Anonymous
Wow. OP here. This really hits home and is something no one talks about. I wonder this often which was really the basis of my original question - how much is too much? I'm a natural problem-solver and am a fierce advocate in my parent's healthcare. But am I just doing this to soothe my own worry over their aging and trying to avoid any guilt that I didn't try absolutely everything? I'm sure if my Dad could have seen a video of himself at 92 when he was 72, he would have been horrified and made me promise right then and there that I wouldn't do all of this for him and instead, to go live my life. Does my constant vigilance only lead them to years in memory care because the rest of their body is physically healthy? But, as you said, I can't seem to figure out where to do less because to do less when you know you could be doing more feels...cruel. Very hard. I'm sorry for your losses and I hope that you can one day find peace with all of this. It sounds like you loved them deeply and cared for them well. |
Anonymous
OP, I hope this is not too harsh, but yes, you need to step back and accept the reality that your parents are very old and are in the sunset of their lives. You can work yourself to the bone and think of and do nothing else, and yet you can't turn back the clock. MAybe you can find a support group? Or a few therapy sessions? |
Anonymous
+1 - ish. My parents are in their early 80's and are doing really well, but they live halfway across the country. They totally hide stuff from my brother and I. And I remember my grandparents doing the same. They were covering for each other. |
Anonymous
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He's in his 90's. This is the end. You can't change this. This is what towards the end of life looks like. You don't get to avoid it
Does he have a big comfy chair to watch tv? He'd like a very big tv. At some point the facility will likely say he has to be in memory care. |
Anonymous
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Op, next of kin --- that's your Mom.
Legally it is she who makes any important decision. Until, legally, it not your Mom who decides. |