How do you deal with gnawing guilt?

[Anonymous]

The most important thing is to put his familiar, comfortable things in his room.

Make it look like home as much as possible.

He will have good days and bad days. He will complain even when he is receiving good care. It’s part of the progression and not something you can really do anything about. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is HARD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard!

What I did was hire an elder care advisor, usually a social worker, who knew so much more than I did.
She could check the apartment and saw things that weren’t safe, such as slippery bathroom floor mats. Easy fix.

I could call her when I didn’t know what to do.

This ended up costing a total of $1000. Today, it would be higher.

Yes, there were times I lost sleep over elder care. Yes, there were hospitalizations. Yes, I returned early from an international trip once.

At the end, my mom was lucky enough to die in her sleep at 96.

This would be money well spent. You would really benefit from sharing the load and having someone who understands how things work.

They can also be an advocate. The Assisted Living will also give your father way better treatment if they know a social worker is checking on him. Because, while it was a huge relief to have my mother moved to Assisted Living (we, too, should have skipped Independent Living), it was by no means a guarantee of 100% perfect care. It just dials down a lot of the worry, but it doesn’t solve everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have posted here before about my 92 yo father who is just starting to show signs of short term memory issues but is mobile and in pretty good shape otherwise. I recently moved both my parents (mother is 89 and independent) into an independent living community which I’ve been very happy with so far. It is clear after this move that he needs assisted living. They are working with us to get that move going but in the interim, the transition has not be smooth for my Dad. He does not want to be there. It helps that my mom is there but he is experiencing sun downing, has been hospitalized twice for dehydration, his mobility seems worse since he moved. I suspect the move confused him but I also suspect that I didn’t know the extent of the care he needed until I saw it up close.

I am exhausted, sad, fed up, and constantly feeling like 1) things aren’t happening fast enough (ie getting him moved to assisted living) and 2) that I might be hyperfocusing on their care because my loved ones (sister, husband) tell me that I’m doing great and the best I can but need to accept the reality of their age and stop being so hard o myself or I will fall back into anxiety. They want to help and I’ve gotten better at delegating certain things but I really am doing it all.

I feel constant guilt that I’m not doing more. That I can’t figure out how to help them in a way that doesn’t lead to another fall, another hospital visit, another [insert elderly issue here]. I think I just want to surround them in safety so nothing happens to them. I know this isn’t rational but it’s all I think about. I have a husband, two adolescent kids and a job. I don’t know why this feels so all encompassing. Normal when caring for the elderly? Or do I really need to take a step back and recognize some reality that I’m not seeing. I truly don’t know how much I should be doing to help them or what is a normal level of “I can make this better”

I’m sorry if this feels all over the place, I’m not sleeping much at the moment. TIA.

OP, I hope this is not too harsh, but yes, you need to step back and accept the reality that your parents are very old and are in the sunset of their lives. You can work yourself to the bone and think of and do nothing else, and yet you can't turn back the clock.

MAybe you can find a support group? Or a few therapy sessions?

+1 Therapy and support groups can help with this. I also agree with the suggestion on here if you can afford get a geriatric social worker with the expertise to objectively help you figure out what they need. You don't want your health and the well being of your kids and spouse to suffer because you become overwhelmed with guilt. I found I was taking away from my kids and my marriage to try to make everything right for someone who was fading away and didn't really appreciate any of it. Therapy and support groups helped and so did having a professional take over managing things. They also can be great for advocating at the AL and sometimes they even know the staff well.