Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?

[Anonymous]

Curious about others take on this situation -

My 30+ year old sister and her fiance have stayed out our house about 5 times over 2 years. The first time they stayed about a month while we were away. When we came back the house was clean and everything was in order.

The next 4 stays happened every 3 months or so and lasted about 5 nights each time.

I prepare the guest room for them with flowers, fresh sheets, towels (the basics). In anticipation of their first visit I thought we might do breakfast together a couple mornings, maybe a lunch, a dinner. It turns out when they arrived though that that never happened. I suggested a couple times but they always had plans. At the end of the trip her fiance (then boyfriend) got us a small gift card to a local restaurant. I thought that was nice.

The ensuing few trips were much the same. I realized she was basically using our house as a hotel. No time together, a shared meal, and definitely no hostess gift or offer to take us out for a meal.

I started to notice these things the last time she stayed when I realized I felt a little annoyed. That’s when I looked back and realized we hadn’t shared a meal nor had she offered any quality time together.

Is it off base of me to expect either a hostess gift or thank you note (to show appreciation) if you are going to treat stay like hotel, or some quality time together like a meal?

FWIW I have two young kids and even though we don’t go out of our way, it is effortful to have guests over. One time I suggested she stayed 3 night (to try and keep it shorter and so I didn’t get resentful about feeling a little used) and she said they really needed a fourth night.

The last time she asked was over the holidays. She wanted to stay a week. I just flat out said no. It was over Christmas and we were coming home between trips for the week of Christmas. My sister doesn’t celebrate Christmas and I did not want her staying with us and treating our home like a hotel during a busy and important week.

AITA? Or is she an ungracious guest? Just looking for outside perspective-

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed, too. I would just start saying, "that won't work for us," every time she announces her visits.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is rude. She can stay in a hotel next time.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on how the visit was discussed. Did she ask to come spend time with you/your family? Or did she ask to crash at your house?

Is there something about the town you live in that makes them want to stay there so often?

FWIW my BIL and SIL often do this. They stay at our house for a "visit" and then make a ton of other plans with local friends without us. They don't have kids and just don't seem to see things the same way as us sometimes. That's ok and we've just set expectations with ourselves.

[Anonymous]

To add - she does not host us ever in her home city and we have never asked/she’s never offered. We are in her city about twice a year. Her place is small though so it’s never crossed my mind to ask.

We also host her for about a week each summer at the beach. The first year I invited, and in following years she has invited herself with partner. Again, no offer to take us for a meal or anything. But she does spend a bit more time with us there. Last time I asked her to cover a grocery haul. No thank you note or small hostess gift (I’m thinking like a candle or something that is $20-$40. Nothing extravagant).

[Anonymous]

Do they have friends in the area? What are they doing when they visit?

[Anonymous]

She just has different expectations than you. She might think having a meal would be taking up your time or something. But use your words and ask for what you want.

"Brenda, I feel a little used when you stay at our house because you never seem to want to spend time with us - it seems like you just want to stay with us for free lodging. We would really love to have a couple of meals with you, and have time to bond. Is that something you're interested in?"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she’s trying to be considerate (staying out of your hair to minimize the impact having a guest will have on your household) but failing because that’s not what you want. You’re absolutely not the a$$hole to tell her this isn’t working for you and deny her your home as a hotel. I don’t think you should get super mad about what’s past but I do think you should say no to future stays or cut the time short (if she says she really needs the extra night, tell her to arrive a day later or move to a hotel; hosting is just too stressful for more than a few days sorry).

[Anonymous]

She’s rude. I would either say no next time or start asking her more and more to cover some expenses: groceries, take out, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To add - she does not host us ever in her home city and we have never asked/she’s never offered. We are in her city about twice a year. Her place is small though so it’s never crossed my mind to ask.

We also host her for about a week each summer at the beach. The first year I invited, and in following years she has invited herself with partner. Again, no offer to take us for a meal or anything. But she does spend a bit more time with us there. Last time I asked her to cover a grocery haul. No thank you note or small hostess gift (I’m thinking like a candle or something that is $20-$40. Nothing extravagant).

I think your sister is oblivious but at the same time, I wouldn't ever expect a hostess gift from my sibling!! A verbal thank you is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess it depends on how the visit was discussed. Did she ask to come spend time with you/your family? Or did she ask to crash at your house?

Is there something about the town you live in that makes them want to stay there so often?

FWIW my BIL and SIL often do this. They stay at our house for a "visit" and then make a ton of other plans with local friends without us. They don't have kids and just don't seem to see things the same way as us sometimes. That's ok and we've just set expectations with ourselves.

The first time she asked to stay, spend time with us, and also catch up with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To add - she does not host us ever in her home city and we have never asked/she’s never offered. We are in her city about twice a year. Her place is small though so it’s never crossed my mind to ask.

We also host her for about a week each summer at the beach. The first year I invited, and in following years she has invited herself with partner. Again, no offer to take us for a meal or anything. But she does spend a bit more time with us there. Last time I asked her to cover a grocery haul. No thank you note or small hostess gift (I’m thinking like a candle or something that is $20-$40. Nothing extravagant).

I think your sister is oblivious but at the same time, I wouldn't ever expect a hostess gift from my sibling!! A verbal thank you is enough.

Op. I actually agree. It never crossed my mind to expect a hostess gift at any visit or when we have them for vacation at. This really only crossed my mind the last time and I think it was because I was already feeling annoyed and probably “found more fault” so to speak by thinking on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To add - she does not host us ever in her home city and we have never asked/she’s never offered. We are in her city about twice a year. Her place is small though so it’s never crossed my mind to ask.

We also host her for about a week each summer at the beach. The first year I invited, and in following years she has invited herself with partner. Again, no offer to take us for a meal or anything. But she does spend a bit more time with us there. Last time I asked her to cover a grocery haul. No thank you note or small hostess gift (I’m thinking like a candle or something that is $20-$40. Nothing extravagant).

I think your sister is oblivious but at the same time, I wouldn't ever expect a hostess gift from my sibling!! A verbal thank you is enough.

Same. Op, I think you need to speak up about your expectations. If you want them to contribute to groceries at the beach, tell them that. If you want to have dinner one night to catch up when they visit, make a plan for that. I agree with pp that she sounds oblivious, but you need to speak up.

[Anonymous]

I'd be fine with this if she was also hanging out with you guys and genuinely wanted to be with you. But since she's being so inconsiderate, I think it's worth a direct conversation. Or you can keep saying no. But because she's your sister, I think it's worth being honest about how hurtful her behavior is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just has different expectations than you. She might think having a meal would be taking up your time or something. But use your words and ask for what you want.

"Brenda, I feel a little used when you stay at our house because you never seem to want to spend time with us - it seems like you just want to stay with us for free lodging. We would really love to have a couple of meals with you, and have time to bond. Is that something you're interested in?"

Interesting - this would be very direct of me and would definitely bring the issue to the forefront. Whenever I have thought about saying something I have gotten anxious about it. This probably touches on some family of origin issues around being direct and how someone ends up exploding if you are direct.

I think I may need to continue to take the approach of no, that won’t work for us. I feel so awkward (and am stressed she will get very upset) if I say something like “it would be nice if you were to stay with us if you would share a meal with us or take us out to dinner one night”.