Is my sister a bad house guest or am I off base?

[Anonymous]

“We’d love to actually spend some quality time with you guys when you come to stay. I can make some reservations! How about dinner on Thursday and brunch on Saturday?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We’d love to actually spend some quality time with you guys when you come to stay. I can make some reservations! How about dinner on Thursday and brunch on Saturday?”

Ah, this method I actually have tried each time they have come! The response is something like “I’m not sure. We might have plans.” And then they inevitably have plans.

Part of my frustration is that I think anyone would see these repeated offers as a hint, but she might just be oblivious as others have mentioned, but since I am uncomfortable confronting her in a more direct manner it creates a tense dynamic for me whenever she broaches the subject.

Sooner or later I will have to be more direct though. This summer she invited herself to the beach again, but this time with their new dog. We are actually not going to the beach this summer so it was an easy no, but she must be truly oblivious because my DH is allergic to dogs (which she knows) but it clearly hasn’t occurred to her and she didn’t even ask if we would be ok with it. She presented it like “we would love to come to X with dog. When are you going?” This will inevitably come up again next summer.

Reading through these responses is helpful - thank you

[Anonymous]

She is very rude! Not even a meal with you and her niece/nephew. No!! Hotel for her. She’s just cheap.

[Anonymous]

You need to verbalize what you want, OP. Not gifts, but quality time.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think it's weird to expect a gift from your sibling.

But it's also rude of your sister to come and ditch you while staying at your house

Are you close enough you could just say it like you said it here - Mary, this feels awkward to say, but it hurts my feelings that you stay with us but don't seem to want to spend time together. It makes me feel bad even about having you at the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to verbalize what you want, OP. Not gifts, but quality time.

Ah, as a recovering people pleaser this is really resonating as a part of this dynamic that I am responsible for and likely is worsening the situation.

Is it weird for me to expect others to just know what has been described here though? That if you are a house guest then it is important to make yourself available for a shared meal (unless it’s a circumstance where that’s not possible - like an overnight for a conference or you are just too busy in which case you would make that clear and thank the guest for letting you stay while you go about your business), or if you are staying quite often for decent amounts of time to do/say something to really show your appreciation?

Even though I agree I need to say something if I have an issue, I also feel like being a decent guest is common sense (?)

[Anonymous]

I don't have a sibling who does this (dh's sibling does stay with us during our kids' parties and events, but to visit with us, not as a hotel), but I have a best friend who does. It doesn't bother me in the least that she uses me as a hotel. Letting people use my nice guest bedroom is nbd to me and I don't mind at all. I actually prefer it if they don't want entertained 24/7 and they go out and do things on their own. What I would mind is someone who needs The Grand DC Tour, taken to the best DC restaurants and expecting me to pay for everything. That would be grating.

I'm surprised about the Christmas time visit. Even if she wasn't Christian, I'm surprised she wouldn't have wanted to be their with her niece and nephew on Christmas morning. That's like the Super Bowl of little kids. It's pretty secular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We’d love to actually spend some quality time with you guys when you come to stay. I can make some reservations! How about dinner on Thursday and brunch on Saturday?”

Ah, this method I actually have tried each time they have come! The response is something like “I’m not sure. We might have plans.” And then they inevitably have plans.

Part of my frustration is that I think anyone would see these repeated offers as a hint, but she might just be oblivious as others have mentioned, but since I am uncomfortable confronting her in a more direct manner it creates a tense dynamic for me whenever she broaches the subject.

Sooner or later I will have to be more direct though. This summer she invited herself to the beach again, but this time with their new dog. We are actually not going to the beach this summer so it was an easy no, but she must be truly oblivious because my DH is allergic to dogs (which she knows) but it clearly hasn’t occurred to her and she didn’t even ask if we would be ok with it. She presented it like “we would love to come to X with dog. When are you going?” This will inevitably come up again next summer.

Reading through these responses is helpful - thank you

Is there another sibling who could act as an intermediary? I get it, I come from an indirect family/culture so I do understand. And I have a younger sister who is similarly clueless and I could easily see her being the same way. She’s got FOMO and wouldn’t readily commit to something if she thought there was a chance of doing something more preferable at that time. For your own sanity’s sake you might have to cut back on hosting her, and certainly put your foot down next summer if she tried to bring her dog around your husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to verbalize what you want, OP. Not gifts, but quality time.

Ah, as a recovering people pleaser this is really resonating as a part of this dynamic that I am responsible for and likely is worsening the situation.

Is it weird for me to expect others to just know what has been described here though? That if you are a house guest then it is important to make yourself available for a shared meal (unless it’s a circumstance where that’s not possible - like an overnight for a conference or you are just too busy in which case you would make that clear and thank the guest for letting you stay while you go about your business), or if you are staying quite often for decent amounts of time to do/say something to really show your appreciation?

Even though I agree I need to say something if I have an issue, I also feel like being a decent guest is common sense (?)

Is she the youngest in the family? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'd just say to my sister "you're always so busy when you come stay here; let's get a couple of dinners on the calendar now so we have some time together" and then if she hemmed and hawed because she "might have plans" I'd tell her gee, sounds like these dates aren't great for a visit, let me recommend some hotels and we can plan to host you another time when we can spend some time together.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your expectations. I live in NYC. My younger sister is 24 and likes to come up often, at her own convenience and usually with her own agenda (visiting friends, etc.), which is fine by me.

I issued a standing request for the doorman to give her the spare keys when she shows up, so she comes and goes as she pleases. I see her when I see her and don’t have to plan around her. She orders herself takeout or goes out or helps herself to whatever is in the fridge/freezer, so I don’t have to do anything special with respect to food. We usually have some meals together but sometimes she just uses the place as a hotel. I talk to her regularly and we’re close so I don’t really care.

But this is my expectation - if she asked specifically to come and spend time with me and then didn’t, I’d probably also feel a bit used like you do, OP. Maybe try to plan time together in advance if it’s important to you.

[Anonymous]

It's your sister. If you're anxious, why haven't you tried passive-aggressive yet?

"Oh, hi Susan. Aug 1 through the 5th? You need Francine and Rick's Convenient Crash Casa BnB"? Where the sheets are clean and you don't have to socialize with anyone or even pay?

[Anonymous]

Relationships have to go both ways. It sounds like the issue is reciprocity. She's doing all the taking and you're doing all the giving. It's fine if she doesn't have the room to host you, but it sounds like she doesn't lift a finger when you're in her city.

There seems to be a strange sibling dynamic here. Are you older or younger? Does she just ignore your kids the whole time? That's weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We’d love to actually spend some quality time with you guys when you come to stay. I can make some reservations! How about dinner on Thursday and brunch on Saturday?”

Ah, this method I actually have tried each time they have come! The response is something like “I’m not sure. We might have plans.” And then they inevitably have plans.

Part of my frustration is that I think anyone would see these repeated offers as a hint, but she might just be oblivious as others have mentioned, but since I am uncomfortable confronting her in a more direct manner it creates a tense dynamic for me whenever she broaches the subject.

Sooner or later I will have to be more direct though. This summer she invited herself to the beach again, but this time with their new dog. We are actually not going to the beach this summer so it was an easy no, but she must be truly oblivious because my DH is allergic to dogs (which she knows) but it clearly hasn’t occurred to her and she didn’t even ask if we would be ok with it. She presented it like “we would love to come to X with dog. When are you going?” This will inevitably come up again next summer.

Reading through these responses is helpful - thank you

I posted the suggestion you quoted - ugh, sorry she sucks. Do you think she would be like this to her friends too, or are you in a different category because you’re family? Just keep saying no, and when you’re comfortable, you can mention that you’ve significantly decreased the amount you’re hosting, especially since you’ve noticed a few people are just treating your house like free lodging and they aren’t really visiting with you.
It doesn’t matter that your DH is allergic to dogs, even though that would be more than enough reason why her dog should never be allowed in your beach house, because you don’t owe her a justification as to why you can’t host her! I hope you see that. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I'd just say to my sister "you're always so busy when you come stay here; let's get a couple of dinners on the calendar now so we have some time together" and then if she hemmed and hawed because she "might have plans" I'd tell her gee, sounds like these dates aren't great for a visit, let me recommend some hotels and we can plan to host you another time when we can spend some time together.

I like this!