Need Reassurance

[Anonymous]

A few days ago I posted a relationship issue on a different online forum and a man DM’ed me with some advice. We struck up a convo and ended up chatting, finding out we had things in common. I am generally a very friendly person but had never done this before (too old for that type of thing on social media, got married before apps/online dating was ubiquitous). It got a little flirty, but the banter was kinda fun. No pictures or identifying info shared. We talked in a round about way about sex, but only in relation to what I was seeking advice on. I found myself really liking the chatting and doing it too much, constantly hoping he would reply. This obviously altered me that it was not healthy and more than making a random internet friend. I said goodbye, deleted the account and I told my husband (who wasn’t mad but agreed it would obviously be best if I stopped.)

This whole thing was like 2.5 days.

I just have been feeling awful about the whole thing and afraid I did some sort of damage. I really enjoyed the banter with this random person and sad this it’s over, but it just feels like I was crossing a line. (It seemed clear at the end he wished I was single, but the whole point of my post was to get advice to help me with my marriage).

I need some reassurance that I didn’t make things worse and advice on how to stop feeling so sad/bad about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

You told your husband, don’t worry about it any more and never do it again.

[Anonymous]

Say more about why you feel sad/bad. Do you feel that you betrayed your husband? Do you feel that you put too much of your private life out there?

Honestly, the biggest red flag to me of your post is that you posted online and clearly indicated that you were married and some dude started DMing you under the auspice of giving you advice, when it’s clear that he was flirting and would’ve taken it further if you allowed it. That’s a predator. I’m not saying like a child molester who was gonna drive across the country and grab you, I’m saying a garden variety guy with bad intentions who would’ve ended up being a bad presence in your life. It seems like you don’t quite recognize it. That’s what you were involved in, and that probably bears some thought. People like that guy have a divining rod for vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, but you have to be aware of what it means to put it out there and how to protect yourself. If that doesn’t feel like a skill that you have either at this moment or at this stage of life, you may also want to consider what that means about you or about your marriage, in terms of what needs a repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say more about why you feel sad/bad. Do you feel that you betrayed your husband? Do you feel that you put too much of your private life out there?

Honestly, the biggest red flag to me of your post is that you posted online and clearly indicated that you were married and some dude started DMing you under the auspice of giving you advice, when it’s clear that he was flirting and would’ve taken it further if you allowed it. That’s a predator. I’m not saying like a child molester who was gonna drive across the country and grab you, I’m saying a garden variety guy with bad intentions who would’ve ended up being a bad presence in your life. It seems like you don’t quite recognize it. That’s what you were involved in, and that probably bears some thought. People like that guy have a divining rod for vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, but you have to be aware of what it means to put it out there and how to protect yourself. If that doesn’t feel like a skill that you have either at this moment or at this stage of life, you may also want to consider what that means about you or about your marriage, in terms of what needs a repair.

This is so victim-blamey.

OP, if you feel guilty, you need to look at that. And you should probably also look at the culture that created it, because I highly doubt your male spouse would feel guilty if the roles were reversed.

It's the culture that needs repair, not necessarily you as an individual operating within it.

Predatory men are considered something women need to do something about, not problems they're responsible for addressing/resolving themselves, and it's gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say more about why you feel sad/bad. Do you feel that you betrayed your husband? Do you feel that you put too much of your private life out there?

Honestly, the biggest red flag to me of your post is that you posted online and clearly indicated that you were married and some dude started DMing you under the auspice of giving you advice, when it’s clear that he was flirting and would’ve taken it further if you allowed it. That’s a predator. I’m not saying like a child molester who was gonna drive across the country and grab you, I’m saying a garden variety guy with bad intentions who would’ve ended up being a bad presence in your life. It seems like you don’t quite recognize it. That’s what you were involved in, and that probably bears some thought. People like that guy have a divining rod for vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, but you have to be aware of what it means to put it out there and how to protect yourself. If that doesn’t feel like a skill that you have either at this moment or at this stage of life, you may also want to consider what that means about you or about your marriage, in terms of what needs a repair.

This is so victim-blamey.

OP, if you feel guilty, you need to look at that. And you should probably also look at the culture that created it, because I highly doubt your male spouse would feel guilty if the roles were reversed.

It's the culture that needs repair, not necessarily you as an individual operating within it.

Predatory men are considered something women need to do something about, not problems they're responsible for addressing/resolving themselves, and it's gross.

Who on earth is blaming the OP? The advice is to consider the source of her feelings and examine them. This also isn’t a gender issue about her or her spouse. Your reaction is strange. OP has control over her own behavior. Not that of predatory men, nor the culture at large. Your take is reactionary and…odd.

[Anonymous]

Your husband took your confession well so that should be reassurance enough. But since you’re still feeling badly, reflect on where and how in your conversations you let this guy cross your boundaries. If you know where the boundary should be, you’ll be more aware and know when you need to stop the conversation, if there’s ever a next time. Resolve to not let it happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say more about why you feel sad/bad. Do you feel that you betrayed your husband? Do you feel that you put too much of your private life out there?

Honestly, the biggest red flag to me of your post is that you posted online and clearly indicated that you were married and some dude started DMing you under the auspice of giving you advice, when it’s clear that he was flirting and would’ve taken it further if you allowed it. That’s a predator. I’m not saying like a child molester who was gonna drive across the country and grab you, I’m saying a garden variety guy with bad intentions who would’ve ended up being a bad presence in your life. It seems like you don’t quite recognize it. That’s what you were involved in, and that probably bears some thought. People like that guy have a divining rod for vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, but you have to be aware of what it means to put it out there and how to protect yourself. If that doesn’t feel like a skill that you have either at this moment or at this stage of life, you may also want to consider what that means about you or about your marriage, in terms of what needs a repair.

Thanks for this. It all seemed pretty innocent at initially, but in reflection he clearly was testing waters/boundaries and did want more info about me. Kinda “predatory” even if not overtly.

I feel (maybe felt… actually starting to get more reassured now!) sad/bad because I was clearly feeling very vulnerable and this random guy provided something I couldn’t get with my partner! What does that say about me? My marriage?? I have talked to my husband about this and he was generally great and we are trying to work on it, but mostly it was the fact that in the moment I thoroughly enjoyed this getting to know you, new flirty back and forth and then felt super sad when it stopped. I felt guilty about feeling sad for the loss of it (like what the hell is wrong with me/my marriage that I felt that way?!)

But I appreciate your post as it takes some off me. Going to try and add some “newness” and fun stuff with partner and also reach out to my actual friends more for and sort of companionship that I felt lacking.

I think I am on the right track!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband took your confession well so that should be reassurance enough. But since you’re still feeling badly, reflect on where and how in your conversations you let this guy cross your boundaries. If you know where the boundary should be, you’ll be more aware and know when you need to stop the conversation, if there’s ever a next time. Resolve to not let it happen again.

I agree (I am OP). We mostly connected over shared hobbies, funny enough. That’s what I liked talking about the most and made me feel like it was fine and just something some people do nowadays (makes friends online). There was a fun back and forth that I enjoyed, because banter is fun, but he would say things occasionally that felt like he was hitting on me (had no idea what I looked like) and the fact that I was seemingly enjoying it all too much made me realize that a boundary was crossed/not healthy for my marriage which was the main reason I posted in the first place.

Thank you all who replied — I do feel better/more reassured now and will resolve not to retrace these steps.

[Anonymous]

That guy could’ve been a scammer good thing you deleted fast

[Anonymous]

The questions you asked yourself were GOOD questions, but should have been asked gently and with compassion, rather than guilt and self-flagellation. Use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and better understanding of yourself and your marriage at this moment in time. You are human, you are struggling, and that’s okay. What’s GREAT is that you recognized it was unhealthy and told your husband. And now you can process why you were overwhelmed with almost compulsive guilt, and need for reassurance (do you have OCD?). I don’t mean that in a snarky way - just something to be aware of and work through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The questions you asked yourself were GOOD questions, but should have been asked gently and with compassion, rather than guilt and self-flagellation. Use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and better understanding of yourself and your marriage at this moment in time. You are human, you are struggling, and that’s okay. What’s GREAT is that you recognized it was unhealthy and told your husband. And now you can process why you were overwhelmed with almost compulsive guilt, and need for reassurance (do you have OCD?). I don’t mean that in a snarky way - just something to be aware of and work through.

I don’t have OCD, (do have ADHD) but couldn’t stop thinking about this right after it happened — reasons for guilt, felling sad/bad, but that may be because it just happened and revealed things about myself that I am embarrassed/ashamed about. I am going to try and not dwell too much on it — it was short lived and nothing really happened, but could have been a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

You liked the attention.
You liked the adrenaline/hormone zing.
You entertained thoughts of a different life.
Person maybe was younger.
It showed what feels missing in daily life.

Did that. Been there. Person had Twitter account removed. Still look for "him" sometimes, 5 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You liked the attention.
You liked the adrenaline/hormone zing.
You entertained thoughts of a different life.
Person maybe was younger.
It showed what feels missing in daily life.

Did that. Been there. Person had Twitter account removed. Still look for "him" sometimes, 5 years later.

Well that’s not reassuring.

Funny enough he wasn’t younger and he honestly was not better than my husband — back living with his parents in mid 40s. He didn’t seem like he had many friends. Lots of jilted past romances. But I am / was for sure idealizing it and for sure there was an adrenaline / hormone zing and I had a longing for that, which made me realize I needed to stop and wasn’t getting something I need in my real life. Trying to work on that!

But what you sad about “looking for him” —this is what I am afraid of, that I will still think about it or somehow try and find/google. Ugh, that thought makes me repulsed. Because it’s not this random dude I had a convo with online for a couple days, it’s the idea that someone out there is interested in me. I think I just have to keep telling myself this person’s ultimate intentions were likely seedy and make connections with people in my real life.

Look at that! I reassured myself!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told your husband, don’t worry about it any more and never do it again.

Thus.

You showed good judging nipping this in the bud.

Now move on (do a fun date night with your hubby)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your husband, don’t worry about it any more and never do it again.

Thus.

You showed good judging nipping this in the bud.

Now move on (do a fun date night with your hubby)

Thanks! Good idea!!