Need Reassurance

[Anonymous]

You’re a $lut

[Anonymous]

No big deal

[Anonymous]

This is no different than fun banter with a member of the opposite sex that gets a bit flirty until you realize it’s about to cross the line and you back off. Lucky for you it was on line and you could really shut it down. Lesson learned!

[Anonymous]

We're all sexual creatures. We are designed to get high off of falling in love. We should all know this about ourselves, and have self-awareness when we feel a pull towards someone. Feeling a spark is normal. Sharing intimacies with that person is the danger.

I don't think it's that your marriage was missing something, necessarily. No one you've known for decades is going to feel like the bloom of new attraction. I think it's just that you hadn't put much thought into these realities and were taken by surprise.

I also think that all of us posting online are lonely and looking for connection in some way. If anything is missing in your life, I would say that it's a friendship where you can share your true self. So I'd use this as an opportunity to invest in real life friendships that don't have the risk of crossing any lines.

[Anonymous]

You were vulnerable, and he took advantage of it. You snapped out of it in time, and you told your husband. It should be the end of it.

You must have held yourself in high regard to feel bad/sad for a long time.

Stop blaming yourself. It could happen to anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're all sexual creatures. We are designed to get high off of falling in love. We should all know this about ourselves, and have self-awareness when we feel a pull towards someone. Feeling a spark is normal. Sharing intimacies with that person is the danger.

I don't think it's that your marriage was missing something, necessarily. No one you've known for decades is going to feel like the bloom of new attraction. I think it's just that you hadn't put much thought into these realities and were taken by surprise.

I also think that all of us posting online are lonely and looking for connection in some way. If anything is missing in your life, I would say that it's a friendship where you can share your true self. So I'd use this as an opportunity to invest in real life friendships that don't have the risk of crossing any lines.

This is it. Sad to write it out, but I am not high priority for my friends in real life. Just the facts. I have lots of acquaintances and regular friends, but I’m no one’s go to person. I have reached out to a few in the aftermath of all this to make plans and I know building up relationships and connections will take time.

It was just easy and fun banter and when I think about it and I mostly enjoyed that someone was interested in me. But I just want to stop thinking about this dude as something special. I am conflating the good feelings with it because I guess I was in fact lonely. I just need to stop overthinking and move on as many suggested, but my thoughts keep coming back to it (which kinda makes me nervous). Again, this was all in the past few days so hopefully with some time I will feel totally better.

I do feel better from when I first posted, so again, reassuring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say more about why you feel sad/bad. Do you feel that you betrayed your husband? Do you feel that you put too much of your private life out there?

Honestly, the biggest red flag to me of your post is that you posted online and clearly indicated that you were married and some dude started DMing you under the auspice of giving you advice, when it’s clear that he was flirting and would’ve taken it further if you allowed it. That’s a predator. I’m not saying like a child molester who was gonna drive across the country and grab you, I’m saying a garden variety guy with bad intentions who would’ve ended up being a bad presence in your life. It seems like you don’t quite recognize it. That’s what you were involved in, and that probably bears some thought. People like that guy have a divining rod for vulnerability. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, but you have to be aware of what it means to put it out there and how to protect yourself. If that doesn’t feel like a skill that you have either at this moment or at this stage of life, you may also want to consider what that means about you or about your marriage, in terms of what needs a repair.

This is so victim-blamey.

OP, if you feel guilty, you need to look at that. And you should probably also look at the culture that created it, because I highly doubt your male spouse would feel guilty if the roles were reversed.

It's the culture that needs repair, not necessarily you as an individual operating within it.

Predatory men are considered something women need to do something about, not problems they're responsible for addressing/resolving themselves, and it's gross.

Sadly, this response is dangerously naive.
Identifying a potential predator and explaining to a potential risk victim (or even actual victim) who does not seem to be aware of the behavior patterns and practices of certain types of men what the predatory indicators are, what they look for, and yes—what *she* can do to defend against such a person is practical, empowering, and results-driven.

As women, we are not responsible for the bad actions of men. But I also refuse to reliably count on predatory men to self-regulate when I can take ownership of my own defense against them.

And frankly, it’s foolish to go through life expecting that everyone you meet will have good and pure intentions.