s/o Moms and friendships

[Anonymous]

S/O from the other thread about moms choosing which kids to invite and similar threads about the social aspect of parenting.

A lot of posters respond to threads like that with "the moms are friends" and that moms are arranging friendships for their kids with the kids of the mothers they are friends with. Other threads often offer the advice to not make friends with your kids friends' parents and keep a safe distance.

So...which one is it? Make friends with other parents to make sure my kid is included? Or avoid making friends with other parents so it does not get too messy as the kids get older?

I am a normally outgoing person but have developed a weird social anxiety in parenthood. "Do they like me?" "Is my kid getting excluded? Are they getting excluded because of me?" "Am I am outcast among the mothers?" Its dumb, I know.

I shouldn't depend on other parents for friendships, but as my kids get older, I realize all my free time is going to be spent with them and travel sports and school events. I have become jealous of the kids whose parents make friends with another set of parents and the kids all play together...are my kids doomed because of me or do I just wait until they are older? And do the dads matter in any of this or is all on the mothers?

[Anonymous]

Whichever one is least painful to you

So...which one is it? Make friends with other parents to make sure my kid is included? Or avoid making friends with other parents so it does not get too messy as the kids get older?

[Anonymous]

Think of it like making friends at work. If you do, you may make really lasting friendships that better your life, and those friends may be helpful for your career, too- for networking, advice, etc.

Mom friends can be some of the best friends you have ever had in your life. And they can give you advice, let you know about a summer program your kid would love, watch your kid in a pinch.

(This just happened to me. My DD and I are going to a play this weekend and my mom was going to watch my DS. Suddenly, she now has a funeral to attend. My DS's best friend's mom to the rescue. I am a single mom so growing my tribe is helpful for me logistically and emotionally!)

It's really, really good for your kids.... sorry but I think something is a little wrong with a mom who refuses to engage...

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you feel like and teach your daughter to do the same. If mom groups organically form then great! If they form without you, you’re probably happier not being with them tbh. If your daughter wants to be closer to a few girls, invite them over for play dates. If the girls become really close, there’s a chance one of the moms might invite your daughter to drop-off with the other girls even if you’re not a part of the circle.

It’s a great freedom in life to be able to form the friendships you want and a great skill to teach your daughter.

My friends overlap with my kids’ friends but they’re not the same. My kids see their friends at kid events like play dates and birthday parties. I see my friends at times when adults are getting together to meet an adult need, like low energy pizza and video-game Friday. My kids see their friends doing the same, and sometimes they’re bummed they’re not invited to a Friday night family pool party for a friend’s dad. But that’s also just how life is. They went on mom’s friend’s 40th birthday cruise.

Be happy.

[Anonymous]

I agree to just do whatever you want. I happened to enter motherhood without a ton of friends, for a lot of unimportant reason (I was young, I transferred colleges, my job had me traveling a lot, etc). For that reason, I've really leaned into the mom friends and as a result I have some really strong friendships with moms I met through newborn groups, daycare, and now elementary school. Those friends aren't even really necessarily the moms of my kids' friends. In some cases they are, but not all. I would be lost without these women.

OTOH, I know a lot of really cool other moms who seem to have solid friendships from before kids. They are cool and I enjoy them, but I also understand we'll never be real friends. They keep other moms at a distance.

Neither is wrong, it's just different. We all have had different needs at different phases in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S/O from the other thread about moms choosing which kids to invite and similar threads about the social aspect of parenting.

A lot of posters respond to threads like that with "the moms are friends" and that moms are arranging friendships for their kids with the kids of the mothers they are friends with. Other threads often offer the advice to not make friends with your kids friends' parents and keep a safe distance.

So...which one is it? Make friends with other parents to make sure my kid is included? Or avoid making friends with other parents so it does not get too messy as the kids get older?

I am a normally outgoing person but have developed a weird social anxiety in parenthood. "Do they like me?" "Is my kid getting excluded? Are they getting excluded because of me?" "Am I am outcast among the mothers?" Its dumb, I know.

I shouldn't depend on other parents for friendships, but as my kids get older, I realize all my free time is going to be spent with them and travel sports and school events. I have become jealous of the kids whose parents make friends with another set of parents and the kids all play together...are my kids doomed because of me or do I just wait until they are older? And do the dads matter in any of this or is all on the mothers?

In my experience, the bolded is terrible advice. I'm not saying to force friendships with the mothers of your kid's friends but if you hit it off, they can be some of the best friends to have. I also have plenty of mom friends whose kids are not friends with mine and that's ok too. But to avoid making friends because of future potential drama makes no sense.

And yes, your kids will likely be left out of things if you don't make an effort to befriend their parents. Its just human nature to gravitate to the people you know best.

[Anonymous]

avoid making friends with other parents so it does not get too messy as the kids get older?

Don't do that. Reasonable adults can weather the new environment when the kids are no longer friends.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to follow any one else's rules. Just do whatever works for you. Make friends with who you like. Be pleasant to the parents of the kids your kids like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S/O from the other thread about moms choosing which kids to invite and similar threads about the social aspect of parenting.

A lot of posters respond to threads like that with "the moms are friends" and that moms are arranging friendships for their kids with the kids of the mothers they are friends with. Other threads often offer the advice to not make friends with your kids friends' parents and keep a safe distance.

So...which one is it? Make friends with other parents to make sure my kid is included? Or avoid making friends with other parents so it does not get too messy as the kids get older?

I am a normally outgoing person but have developed a weird social anxiety in parenthood. "Do they like me?" "Is my kid getting excluded? Are they getting excluded because of me?" "Am I am outcast among the mothers?" Its dumb, I know.

I shouldn't depend on other parents for friendships, but as my kids get older, I realize all my free time is going to be spent with them and travel sports and school events. I have become jealous of the kids whose parents make friends with another set of parents and the kids all play together...are my kids doomed because of me or do I just wait until they are older? And do the dads matter in any of this or is all on the mothers?

All your free time won't be spent that way because many activities are drop off or after school through the school. I favor being polite and friendly with other parents but not going out of my way to be buddies with them because it just gets awkward when the kids don't like each other. And some kids are just very fickle about friendships.

The early years when friendships are driven by the parents do not last long. Before you know it your kid is old enough to make their own friends, and at that point they will resent the he|| out of being forced to hang out with "dorky" Larleigh just because you are friends with Larleigh's mom. Man, I have seen that play out too many times with my kids' classmates and their parents. So glad to have dodged that.

[Anonymous]

Just popping in to say you are not alone, and I went through the same thing. Just starting to figure it out now. I think some families are just lucky to meet other families where everyone clicks - mom, dad, and kids - AND both families are looking for new friends.

[Anonymous]

I make friends with who i want to. Its great if our kids friends and i often meet cool new people through my kid. But not necessary. However when the kids have a falling out it is harder to be friends with the parents for a bit. I will say that I'm not nor will be friends with parents of kids that bully my kid. There are 2 so far. We invite kids that my daughters request to events, parties and smaller hangouts at our house or pool.

[Anonymous]

It's easier to be friends with them. We just moved - at the kids' old school, I knew all the other parents and we were friend with a lot of them. It was great! At the new school, nobody is ever interested in talking to us, they definitely don't want to be our friends, it's very isolating.

[Anonymous]

You’re overthinking it. Sometimes you click with the parents, sometimes not, just like anywhere.

Sometimes your kid finds their tribe at school, sometimes not until later in life, that’s life.

Maybe you need to detox from dcum with many of these moms patting themselves on the back at your expense. IRL those are toxic people you avoid.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids ranging from elementary to high school. You can do all of the above. It may be easier for me to pick and choose since I’m busy juggling 3 kids. There are some moms I naturally like and our kids may or may not be friends. In younger years, you absolutely do hang out with the parents you like but that only lasts until age 7 or 8. After that, you only have so much control.

My kids have their own friends. Some parents I like and am friends with. Others I have no relationship at all with parents. Some parents are weird or annoying. I have found that kids take after their parents. My kids have good taste in friends and their parents are often friendly and social. Social kids have social parents, not always but it seems common.

[Anonymous]

Treat them like work friends. It’s good and pleasant to make work friends but you’re always careful to maintain a certain level of professionalism with them. Same with mom friends — make friends, enjoy their company, but make sure you’re putting your best foot forward in a way that you don’t have to worry about with a friend for whom their friendship doesn’t have side effects.