s/o Moms and friendships

[Anonymous]

Just realize that the sports teams moms aren’t real friends. Once the team breaks up, you won’t see them anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to keep absolutely everyone at arm's length because I've been burned (gossip, shifting personalities, uncomfortable requests, getting caught between two who used to be friends with each other, both needy or unavailable types...) but we also had a lot of good times and I have some friends worth their weight in gold. I vacillate and think some relationships get awkward as kids grow while others were never dependent on kids getting along because both kids wanted distance and moms spent time together without kids. Some kids are not a good influence but have great parents. I guess I'd just trust my gut more, be wary of cultivating any friendships and focus on other things but it's undeniable that kids benefit a lot socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of it like making friends at work. If you do, you may make really lasting friendships that better your life, and those friends may be helpful for your career, too- for networking, advice, etc.

Mom friends can be some of the best friends you have ever had in your life. And they can give you advice, let you know about a summer program your kid would love, watch your kid in a pinch.

(This just happened to me. My DD and I are going to a play this weekend and my mom was going to watch my DS. Suddenly, she now has a funeral to attend. My DS's best friend's mom to the rescue. I am a single mom so growing my tribe is helpful for me logistically and emotionally!)

It's really, really good for your kids.... sorry but I think something is a little wrong with a mom who refuses to engage...

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just realize that the sports teams moms aren’t real friends. Once the team breaks up, you won’t see them anymore.

??? What a weird comment. Just because you don't see people and people are busy, doesn't mean they're not friends. My best friend from college lives an hour away and I haven't seen her in about 2 years. We both have very busy lives. But we text all the time and she's still my BFF.

I have a friend who I know because our DDs play lacrosse. I almost never see her off season, aside from Facebook likes and her texting me when she needs a PTA favor. I adore her and she will always be my friend.

This cynical, narrow view is telling. If you're not good at friendships, own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just realize that the sports teams moms aren’t real friends. Once the team breaks up, you won’t see them anymore.

??? What a weird comment. Just because you don't see people and people are busy, doesn't mean they're not friends. My best friend from college lives an hour away and I haven't seen her in about 2 years. We both have very busy lives. But we text all the time and she's still my BFF.

I have a friend who I know because our DDs play lacrosse. I almost never see her off season, aside from Facebook likes and her texting me when she needs a PTA favor. I adore her and she will always be my friend.

This cynical, narrow view is telling. If you're not good at friendships, own it.

NP- That comment isn't weird at all. You calling people friends when you don't ever see them is much, much more weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to keep absolutely everyone at arm's length because I've been burned (gossip, shifting personalities, uncomfortable requests, getting caught between two who used to be friends with each other, both needy or unavailable types...) but we also had a lot of good times and I have some friends worth their weight in gold. I vacillate and think some relationships get awkward as kids grow while others were never dependent on kids getting along because both kids wanted distance and moms spent time together without kids. Some kids are not a good influence but have great parents. I guess I'd just trust my gut more, be wary of cultivating any friendships and focus on other things but it's undeniable that kids benefit a lot socially.

This sums up my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S

I am a normally outgoing person but have developed a weird social anxiety in parenthood. "Do they like me?" "Is my kid getting excluded? Are they getting excluded because of me?" "Am I am outcast among the mothers?" Its dumb, I know.


OP, I have had this same thought many times. The mom friend thing is weird but I love the advice here about treating it like work friends. I also have made a few real friends that I've met through my kid/school and am so happy to have those people in my life. Everyone else I am friendly with but not looking to make it anything more.

I'm sure my kid has been left out of things because I haven't been working to get in with the group but I also think it is healthier that my kid picks her own friends, not me picking them based on who their parents are.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what went wrong above - this is what I was writing -
OP, I have had this same thought many times. The mom friend thing is weird but I love the advice here about treating it like work friends. I also have made a few real friends that I've met through my kid/school and am so happy to have those people in my life. Everyone else I am friendly with but not looking to make it anything more.

I'm sure my kid has been left out of things because I haven't been working to get in with the group but I also think it is healthier that my kid picks her own friends, not me picking them based on who their parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to keep absolutely everyone at arm's length because I've been burned (gossip, shifting personalities, uncomfortable requests, getting caught between two who used to be friends with each other, both needy or unavailable types...) but we also had a lot of good times and I have some friends worth their weight in gold. I vacillate and think some relationships get awkward as kids grow while others were never dependent on kids getting along because both kids wanted distance and moms spent time together without kids. Some kids are not a good influence but have great parents. I guess I'd just trust my gut more, be wary of cultivating any friendships and focus on other things but it's undeniable that kids benefit a lot socially.

This has also been my experience. There are a bunch of people I wish I’d kept at arms length.

[Anonymous]

Do what works for you. I didn't make great choices with friends in college and it involves some painful "breakups" with friends. I tend to be more restrained these days anyway - so I am friendly but not overly committed to hanging out until I find my people.

[Anonymous]

Are you in NOVA? 99.9% of these people are c u n t s and you don’t want nothing to do with them and their bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to keep absolutely everyone at arm's length because I've been burned (gossip, shifting personalities, uncomfortable requests, getting caught between two who used to be friends with each other, both needy or unavailable types...) but we also had a lot of good times and I have some friends worth their weight in gold. I vacillate and think some relationships get awkward as kids grow while others were never dependent on kids getting along because both kids wanted distance and moms spent time together without kids. Some kids are not a good influence but have great parents. I guess I'd just trust my gut more, be wary of cultivating any friendships and focus on other things but it's undeniable that kids benefit a lot socially.

This has also been my experience. There are a bunch of people I wish I’d kept at arms length.

NP: yep I agree also

Honestly, it is generally better to make friendships completely outside of your kids. Most “mom friends” end up being just situational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of it like making friends at work. If you do, you may make really lasting friendships that better your life, and those friends may be helpful for your career, too- for networking, advice, etc.

Mom friends can be some of the best friends you have ever had in your life. And they can give you advice, let you know about a summer program your kid would love, watch your kid in a pinch.

(This just happened to me. My DD and I are going to a play this weekend and my mom was going to watch my DS. Suddenly, she now has a funeral to attend. My DS's best friend's mom to the rescue. I am a single mom so growing my tribe is helpful for me logistically and emotionally!)

It's really, really good for your kids.... sorry but I think something is a little wrong with a mom who refuses to engage...

This is good advice. Be open and friendly - some ppl will be acquaintances, some will be temporary friendships as long as your kids are in class or activity together, and some will become real long-term friends. It's like anything else - think of ppl from college who fell into those buckets. All have their time and place and you don't know at the outset how it will shake out.

OP I share your skittishness in these situations -- do they like me:, am I doing it right, am I uninteresting or too much... But ultimately I like a lot of the fellow moms and some of use end up getting along and having quite a bit else in common. In K it was great to do stuff together outside school to supplement DS's friendships at a new school. I also learned a lot about school and other relevant stuff from others. Over time I think my role will become less relevant on this front. But right now it adds value for me and for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I think it does benefit the kids socially to be friends with the moms especially in the younger years. I tend to enjoy most of them. I’ve been burned also and close friends joke I like everyone and that can go sideways quickly with a bad apple here or there. I’m sure once the kids are older things shift as they meet kids from different schools and activities too. I think being friendly and making conversation whenever you see them goes a long way. There’s several moms who aren’t in my social circle but make the effort with being inclusive, checking in about camps or sports, offer to help with carpool and their kids are included in everything even if we aren’t close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to keep absolutely everyone at arm's length because I've been burned (gossip, shifting personalities, uncomfortable requests, getting caught between two who used to be friends with each other, both needy or unavailable types...) but we also had a lot of good times and I have some friends worth their weight in gold. I vacillate and think some relationships get awkward as kids grow while others were never dependent on kids getting along because both kids wanted distance and moms spent time together without kids. Some kids are not a good influence but have great parents. I guess I'd just trust my gut more, be wary of cultivating any friendships and focus on other things but it's undeniable that kids benefit a lot socially.

This has also been my experience. There are a bunch of people I wish I’d kept at arms length.

NP: yep I agree also

Honestly, it is generally better to make friendships completely outside of your kids. Most “mom friends” end up being just situational.

This is a polite way of saying total c u n t a s you would not want to fart on.