clearing out parents' house with fighting siblings

[Anonymous]

Both parents have died, and surviving siblings are fighting. Executor is indecisive and not taking charge. We need to clean out parents' house in 2 weeks (arbitrary deadline set by real estate agent). The death was fairly sudden so the house is filled with items that could be useful for people in need, and there are also valuable items such as silver and collectables.

I came from out of town to gather things, and no one else showed up at the house, and the executor (worried about more fighting) instructed me as I arrived not to take anything from it except for pictures of myself and things that I gave my parents. So my visit felt less productive than I had hoped. I wanted to spend more time in the house, as I found important parts of family history such as letters that I probably care more about than others.

My sister told me that they're going to hire a service to clean out the house. I am guessing everything will go in the landfill and that the people working for the service will keep valuable items for themselves.

I recognize we can't spend time going through everything, but the direction we're taking will not honor our parents, be wasteful, and also we'll lose parts of our family history. I do not have a position of power in the family due to disagreements over caregiving.

Are there any services who can help a family go through parents' house and package items for donation so we can at least help others, hold on to important pieces of family history, and minimize unnecessary waste?

Any advice from those who have been through this would be helpful. I don't need these things financially and I don't have much room for them, but I also value history and the earth, so the dumpster approach doesn't feel right. On the other hand, I don't wish to cause or engage in conflict with siblings, so maybe I need to just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both parents have died, and surviving siblings are fighting. Executor is indecisive and not taking charge. We need to clean out parents' house in 2 weeks (arbitrary deadline set by real estate agent). The death was fairly sudden so the house is filled with items that could be useful for people in need, and there are also valuable items such as silver and collectables.

I came from out of town to gather things, and no one else showed up at the house, and the executor (worried about more fighting) instructed me as I arrived not to take anything from it except for pictures of myself and things that I gave my parents. So my visit felt less productive than I had hoped. I wanted to spend more time in the house, as I found important parts of family history such as letters that I probably care more about than others.

My sister told me that they're going to hire a service to clean out the house. I am guessing everything will go in the landfill and that the people working for the service will keep valuable items for themselves.

I recognize we can't spend time going through everything, but the direction we're taking will not honor our parents, be wasteful, and also we'll lose parts of our family history. I do not have a position of power in the family due to disagreements over caregiving.

Are there any services who can help a family go through parents' house and package items for donation so we can at least help others, hold on to important pieces of family history, and minimize unnecessary waste?

Any advice from those who have been through this would be helpful. I don't need these things financially and I don't have much room for them, but I also value history and the earth, so the dumpster approach doesn't feel right. On the other hand, I don't wish to cause or engage in conflict with siblings, so maybe I need to just let it go.

OP - If you, yourself, don't want their stuff, let it go. The idea that you can place their things with the perfect benefactor is naive. There isn't a big market for old people's stuff - even the china and other "valuables." You can honor your parents in other ways.

If I were you, I would be focused on the "history" piece and ask your siblings if you could collect historical papers and store them for posterity. If you agree that they can have access to them, this seems very reasonable and like a service to the group.

Otherwise, let it go.

[Anonymous]

In my family’s case, the executor went in and took lots of items with value for herself and is now selling them a few at a time, keeping the money for herself. Kind of a sneaky way of getting some more money out of the estate than the other beneficiaries.

So if the executor for your parents’ estate has a tendency to be sneaky, watch out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family’s case, the executor went in and took lots of items with value for herself and is now selling them a few at a time, keeping the money for herself. Kind of a sneaky way of getting some more money out of the estate than the other beneficiaries.

So if the executor for your parents’ estate has a tendency to be sneaky, watch out.

She's also storing them and taking the time to research and list them. Don't underestimate the cost of that.

In our case, we had one sibling that was local and two siblings that lived in other parts of the country. There were only a few items that we had sentimental reasons for wanting to keep, and none of us argued over who got what.
"Valuables" like china and collectibles really aren't so valuable to most people and can take forever to find the right buyer. We didn't have time or desire to wait for that so the local sibling just took a few very quick pictures and put an ad on facebook market place for an extremely low amount (I think like $100 for what could be thousands of dollars of china/collectibles.) Some guy came and took it all....my brother even let him just look around and see if there was anything else he wanted to take so that helped get rid of a lot of stuff.
He listed big pieces of furniture like dining sets and beds for free and was able to get i out of the house the same day.

If I were you, OP, and you know a few specific things that you want for sentimental reasons, just specifically ask. You siblings should do the same.

[Anonymous]

It is not reasonable of you to think a reputable company that handles the contents of estates will rip you off.

The Executor is fully in charge. A real estate agent has no power.

[Anonymous]

+1. The Executor is in charge

[Anonymous]

Read up, very little of that older generation stuff is worth even haul-away money. We were trained to value this stuff but it's out of style now and so there is little market for it. Few people entertain with formal dinners so china, crystal, and silver are not too hotly desired. Charities only want what they can sell or outplayed.

My advice is to ask for what you want, preserve all family history you can, and forget about the rest. Worrying about it just gives you heartache. Poor people are not lining up to decorate their houses with Boomer UMC accoutrements. I lived a two-stage process with my mother, getting rid of my grandmother's fine things and as a result I have stuff in my basement that I don't want and can't really get rid of that's theoretically valuable. I see what the Salvation Army in my town puts in the dumpsters and I often have to talk up what I bring them to get them to take it.

[Anonymous]

A. Tell the real estate agent you need more time. They work for you, not the opposite.

B. Contract a estate sale agency like Caring Transitions to sell everything inside the house for a percent of the sale. You might not get much, but at least you won't have to fight or do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Go take what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my family’s case, the executor went in and took lots of items with value for herself and is now selling them a few at a time, keeping the money for herself. Kind of a sneaky way of getting some more money out of the estate than the other beneficiaries.

So if the executor for your parents’ estate has a tendency to be sneaky, watch out.

She's also storing them and taking the time to research and list them. Don't underestimate the cost of that.

In our case, we had one sibling that was local and two siblings that lived in other parts of the country. There were only a few items that we had sentimental reasons for wanting to keep, and none of us argued over who got what.
"Valuables" like china and collectibles really aren't so valuable to most people and can take forever to find the right buyer. We didn't have time or desire to wait for that so the local sibling just took a few very quick pictures and put an ad on facebook market place for an extremely low amount (I think like $100 for what could be thousands of dollars of china/collectibles.) Some guy came and took it all....my brother even let him just look around and see if there was anything else he wanted to take so that helped get rid of a lot of stuff.
He listed big pieces of furniture like dining sets and beds for free and was able to get i out of the house the same day.

If I were you, OP, and you know a few specific things that you want for sentimental reasons, just specifically ask. You siblings should do the same.

In my family’s case, the executor changed the locks and wouldn’t let all of the other beneficiaries in to “help.” At least one other sibling offered to do all the work of getting appraisals and was turned down. The executor took things and hid things from the others, told them that she had had everything disposed of by the cleaning crew. Beneficiaries asked about certain items and were told that everything had been trashed or taken by the crew.

Now, a few years later, we have found out that the sneaky executor is selling items of value that she claimed had gone into the trash. She is not providing a benefit for the estate, she is just keeping the money for herself.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss. This is so hard and I’ve been through it. My mom was in the middle of moving when she died. She was an artist with lots of personal art and that made it hard. We gave her art to friends.

I kept a few pieces of furniture. We went through jewelry boxes and found some family heirlooms which I kept.

My sister wanted to dump everything, but I did slow the process down by doing the above.

I went through some papers and kept a lot but with a year threw most of it away.

I kept letters too. But what can you do with them? Nothing. It ended up being a waste to drive them all to my house.

The stuff I kept was naturalization papers (super cool) and birth certificates and some stories that were written down about family history. The rest was just too much.

We gave 95 percent of her stuff away. One of her friends wanted it and so that is what we did. Her bum of a boyfriend stole some stuff.

[Anonymous]

Find a local free cycle group and post the pictures of the stuff. People will come. Otherwise have a free yard sale. The hoarders will swarm the place.

[Anonymous]

My mother went by to help “sort “ family pictures and documents and then brought them home to helpfully scan them. We still have them but they are safe and no one else cares. Stuff is just stuff, but the papers/photos will be tossed by cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for these replies, I appreciate it. It helped me reflect on what’s most important.

I am going to go back with a scanner and save a small portion of the historical and sentimental photos and documents, And share them with my siblings and extended family members.

I will also pack up and donate things that could be useful to people in need. I’m going to allocate limited number of hours for this and just do what I can in that time.

[Anonymous]

Hire an auctioneer