clearing out parents' house with fighting siblings

[Anonymous]

Are your parents in the DC area? Call organizers in the area they came bring a team in to help sort: keep, giveaway, junk and sell (when it makes sense)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these replies, I appreciate it. It helped me reflect on what’s most important.

I am going to go back with a scanner and save a small portion of the historical and sentimental photos and documents, And share them with my siblings and extended family members.

I will also pack up and donate things that could be useful to people in need. I’m going to allocate limited number of hours for this and just do what I can in that time.

PP. You might be able to donate photos somewhere. I would take all the photos if you think anyone will want to do genealogy ever. Because unless all the names are written on them people often need to triangulate to figure out who is who.

There are genealogical places on the web where you can upload photos so that other distant family members might find them. I've found 3 pics of relatives that way. Ancestry.com and Familysearch.com if I recall correctly.

If you take sentimental things, think small and with good stories attached. They are more likely to travel through time to new family owners that way.

People do often fight about dumb objects. Because of memories. Be understanding of this and you'll go far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A. Tell the real estate agent you need more time. They work for you, not the opposite.

B. Contract a estate sale agency like Caring Transitions to sell everything inside the house for a percent of the sale. You might not get much, but at least you won't have to fight or do it yourself.

This. Two weeks after a death is NOT enough time. Agent sounds greedy.

[Anonymous]

Two weeks after an unexpected death is unreasonable. Switch agents, this person is not behaving professionally.

99% of the items in the house are not worth what it will cost you in time and money to sell them. Much of it is worth literally zero. That's why you and your siblings don't want it for yourselves, right? The sooner you wrap your head around this fact, the happier all of you will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after an unexpected death is unreasonable. Switch agents, this person is not behaving professionally.

99% of the items in the house are not worth what it will cost you in time and money to sell them. Much of it is worth literally zero. That's why you and your siblings don't want it for yourselves, right? The sooner you wrap your head around this fact, the happier all of you will be.

OP does want some personal items. I'm a believer in getting everyone together and taking turns selecting items until there are only donations left.

[Anonymous]

Op, you and siblings should go and take what you want from house.

Then, hire a good estate company. I did this with my mom's stuff. They sold a lot, donated the rest and only a small portion actually went to landfill. We didn't make much money but most of it went somewhere. My one regret is that we were so rushed that Ididn't take more things--small sentimental things I realized I would have liked. Not high value but a few small silver bowls ,pictures, stuff I grew up with. There were also some asian antiques (18-19th c mostly) that I think were actually worth more than we were told (because I hung onto one that they said was worth 1k, and it sold at auction for 20k so the rest may have equally been poorly appraised). Wish I had spent a little more time researching those, maybe keeping a few. The things that were once expensive but no one really wants now though are high end table linens (like 18 foot handmade lace tablecloths from the 1920s); china and brown furniture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks after an unexpected death is unreasonable. Switch agents, this person is not behaving professionally.

99% of the items in the house are not worth what it will cost you in time and money to sell them. Much of it is worth literally zero. That's why you and your siblings don't want it for yourselves, right? The sooner you wrap your head around this fact, the happier all of you will be.

OP does want some personal items. I'm a believer in getting everyone together and taking turns selecting items until there are only donations left.

My mother and her siblings handled this way. Really helps to see the older generation model this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Is the executor watching and would anybody know whether that letter or photo had been handed to you before the death? If the executor is watching, just rifle through the papers to show there is no money (cash, bonds, etc) and then make off with your banker's box of sentimental information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you and siblings should go and take what you want from house.

Then, hire a good estate company. I did this with my mom's stuff. They sold a lot, donated the rest and only a small portion actually went to landfill. We didn't make much money but most of it went somewhere. My one regret is that we were so rushed that Ididn't take more things--small sentimental things I realized I would have liked. Not high value but a few small silver bowls ,pictures, stuff I grew up with. There were also some asian antiques (18-19th c mostly) that I think were actually worth more than we were told (because I hung onto one that they said was worth 1k, and it sold at auction for 20k so the rest may have equally been poorly appraised). Wish I had spent a little more time researching those, maybe keeping a few. The things that were once expensive but no one really wants now though are high end table linens (like 18 foot handmade lace tablecloths from the 1920s); china and brown furniture.

I wish people would stop recommending this -- it's a tremendous waste of money. Estate sales companies exist to enrich themselves, not you, and while it may be a reasonable choice if you're the last surviving member of a family, throwing money away like this is not going to promote good feelings if you're doing this with other heirs unless you're all just too checked out to cope. But in general, keep what you want, see if an auction house wants any of the rest of it, and call a junk company that also donates for the rest.

[Anonymous]

Op, the Executor has legal duties. They have to submit an Inventory as part of the estate paperwork to the court. They have stuff to do. Don't be overly critical that nothing has been done. It's a steep learning curve. If they wanted to be entirely legal, they would lock everyone out including you, take inventory, before proceeding with next step: dividing things fairly.

You sound like a reasonable person who would act reasonably ... but just go and take what you want ... because the timeline is not what you like, is horrible advice to most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the Executor has legal duties. They have to submit an Inventory as part of the estate paperwork to the court. They have stuff to do. Don't be overly critical that nothing has been done. It's a steep learning curve. If they wanted to be entirely legal, they would lock everyone out including you, take inventory, before proceeding with next step: dividing things fairly.

You sound like a reasonable person who would act reasonably ... but just go and take what you want ... because the timeline is not what you like, is horrible advice to most.

This is true. Keep an eye on your executor. If it is a sole executor with no oversight, they have the opportunity to enrich themselves and leave out the rest of the beneficiaries. Our sneaky executor refused to make an inventory and walked away with many of the valuable items. If the executor is a sneaky one, you might never know what happens to the personal property, especially if no inventory is distributed to the beneficiaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both parents have died, and surviving siblings are fighting. Executor is indecisive and not taking charge. We need to clean out parents' house in 2 weeks (arbitrary deadline set by real estate agent). The death was fairly sudden so the house is filled with items that could be useful for people in need, and there are also valuable items such as silver and collectables.

I came from out of town to gather things, and no one else showed up at the house, and the executor (worried about more fighting) instructed me as I arrived not to take anything from it except for pictures of myself and things that I gave my parents. So my visit felt less productive than I had hoped. I wanted to spend more time in the house, as I found important parts of family history such as letters that I probably care more about than others.

My sister told me that they're going to hire a service to clean out the house. I am guessing everything will go in the landfill and that the people working for the service will keep valuable items for themselves.

I recognize we can't spend time going through everything, but the direction we're taking will not honor our parents, be wasteful, and also we'll lose parts of our family history. I do not have a position of power in the family due to disagreements over caregiving.

Are there any services who can help a family go through parents' house and package items for donation so we can at least help others, hold on to important pieces of family history, and minimize unnecessary waste?

Any advice from those who have been through this would be helpful. I don't need these things financially and I don't have much room for them, but I also value history and the earth, so the dumpster approach doesn't feel right. On the other hand, I don't wish to cause or engage in conflict with siblings, so maybe I need to just let it go.

Move it all to a storage unit so you have time to go through it box by box. Keep your siblings informed along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you and siblings should go and take what you want from house.

Then, hire a good estate company. I did this with my mom's stuff. They sold a lot, donated the rest and only a small portion actually went to landfill. We didn't make much money but most of it went somewhere. My one regret is that we were so rushed that Ididn't take more things--small sentimental things I realized I would have liked. Not high value but a few small silver bowls ,pictures, stuff I grew up with. There were also some asian antiques (18-19th c mostly) that I think were actually worth more than we were told (because I hung onto one that they said was worth 1k, and it sold at auction for 20k so the rest may have equally been poorly appraised). Wish I had spent a little more time researching those, maybe keeping a few. The things that were once expensive but no one really wants now though are high end table linens (like 18 foot handmade lace tablecloths from the 1920s); china and brown furniture.

I wish people would stop recommending this -- it's a tremendous waste of money. Estate sales companies exist to enrich themselves, not you, and while it may be a reasonable choice if you're the last surviving member of a family, throwing money away like this is not going to promote good feelings if you're doing this with other heirs unless you're all just too checked out to cope. But in general, keep what you want, see if an auction house wants any of the rest of it, and call a junk company that also donates for the rest.

Don’t the estate sale companies handle all of that though? That’s the value - they go through the stuff, sell what has market value, and coordinate hauling away the junk?

[Anonymous]

OP you *cannot* just go into the house and take stuff, even if you believe nobody wants it. There is a process and you have to handle it.

For the supposed valuables, there’s probably little of actual value, and it’s the executor’s duty to take care of that. Let that one go.

For donations, that is also up to executor. Let it go.

For items you want, all you can do is make a list and send it to the executor and other siblings and *request* to take them. Put them all aside in the house in one place.

The most I think you can reasonably do to impact the process is suggest that everyone get a fair turn to come take the items they want. But that’s just a suggestion that the executor may or may not take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you and siblings should go and take what you want from house.

Then, hire a good estate company. I did this with my mom's stuff. They sold a lot, donated the rest and only a small portion actually went to landfill. We didn't make much money but most of it went somewhere. My one regret is that we were so rushed that Ididn't take more things--small sentimental things I realized I would have liked. Not high value but a few small silver bowls ,pictures, stuff I grew up with. There were also some asian antiques (18-19th c mostly) that I think were actually worth more than we were told (because I hung onto one that they said was worth 1k, and it sold at auction for 20k so the rest may have equally been poorly appraised). Wish I had spent a little more time researching those, maybe keeping a few. The things that were once expensive but no one really wants now though are high end table linens (like 18 foot handmade lace tablecloths from the 1920s); china and brown furniture.

I wish people would stop recommending this -- it's a tremendous waste of money. Estate sales companies exist to enrich themselves, not you, and while it may be a reasonable choice if you're the last surviving member of a family, throwing money away like this is not going to promote good feelings if you're doing this with other heirs unless you're all just too checked out to cope. But in general, keep what you want, see if an auction house wants any of the rest of it, and call a junk company that also donates for the rest.

I strongly disagree. Most senior houses are crammed with junk. The stuff is literally not worth the adult children's time and effort to sort and sell/donate themselves. The estate companies let the beneficiaries take what they want, then sell the rest. Often they mix estates together in one house so customers can pick and choose from a variety of items. The companies take the lion's share of profits, but that's normal, since they've done all the work.

I've bought a lot of furniture and paintings at high-end estate sales, and I can tell you, the prices are not what you think they are.