Why does my brother and sister in law not talk to my parents or me anymore
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Hello, just want some honest insight:
My brother and I and my sister in law have had a wonderful relationship for over 20 years. Three years ago however we had a falling out and till this day I do not know the reason why. In 2020 my father and my sister in law along with my brother made a reverse mortgage, my father wanted my brother to have the home (actually for granddaughter as she is the only grandchild) and reversed mortgaged it to him for 1 million dollars (it is worth more), after 5 months my parents changed their mind and decided they did not want to reverse mortgage and paid the money back. My father originally offered the reverse mortgage to my brother because he wanted to give the property to the only grandchild, he also needed some money. My father helped my brother and sister in law for over a year supporting them financially while they went to medical school and even gifted them their first home (he always told them that the money was a loan). But after 5 months my father and my mom decided reverse mortgage was a wrong decision and they asked to cancel it. My brother and sister in law cancelled it and seemed okay with it and my parents gave the money back that they collected for the 5 months but my brother and sister in law gave the money back to my father stating it was payback for the year my father supported them through school-- they paid my parents about $67,000. Everything seemed okay but after my parents cashed the check they are no longer talking to my parents or to me (only sister). My mom told my sister in law while they were on vacation together explaining why she wanted to cancel the reverse mortgage, my mom told my sister that first it was a rash decision, second, it was unfair to their sister and third, we had an aunt in law who screwed the family up on my mothers side where our grandfather did the same thing and the aunt took everything, so my mom explained to her this was the reason why she no longer wanted to do the reverse mortgage. Everything seemed okay as they all enjoyed a nice vacation together but soon after my parents cashed the check they no longer talk to us. I tried reaching out to my brother asking why he no longer talks to us and he responded that he was sick and tired of my mom treating his wife poorly. I did not understand why he said this comment as my mother has given my sister in law money, jewelry, expensive watches, even a home. I have asked them both to have an open discussion and try to resolve the issues all together as we are family but now they completely shut us off and no longer let my parents see their only granddaughter. The only text my brother sent was "We want nothing to do with any one of you. Enjoy your lives, leave us alone." I would ask repeatedly before this text to at least give us one reason why and till this day he has not told us why. I want to have closure for me and my old parents, they wonder everyday why... Can you guys help us get some peace...and tell us what you think? Did they cut us off because... A. My mother told my sister in law about our scandalous aunt taking everything and she felt maybe it was insulting to her? B. My parents changed their mind after 5 months of accepting money on the reverse mortgage? C. They paid my parents back the money they borrowed and feel sore about it? D. They want nothing to do with my parents because they are old and my brother and sister in law are now very successful and wealthy? E. Your insight_______ |
Anonymous
| Your brother is TA. |
Anonymous
| TLDR |
Anonymous
|
Nobody really cares except those of you involved.
Nobody here really knows, only those of you involved. Accept their answers or be miserable. |
Anonymous
|
I’m not sure what you’re describing is a reverse mortgage. It sounds like a regular mortgage in which your brother bought your parents’ house with a direct loan from them and was making monthly payments on the loan.
And, yes, it does sound as though your mother insulted your SIL in a roundabout and oblique way. I’d be insulted, too, if my MIL told me a story like that as part of her reason for canceling the sale of the property. Your brother sounds like a good man who is standing up for his wife. |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like your parents are drama llamas and your brother and SIL are just tired of it. It's really, really annoying to enter into a million-dollar transaction and then have people just change their mind a few months later.
It sounds like there's way too much money and "gifts" and "loans" and things sloshing around in your family, and that the terms of these transactions are constantly and arbitrarily changeable. Everything has strings attached. And if your brother has a decent income of his own, it may not be worth it to him to put up with the constant drama. And if he suspects your father will want significant financial support in the future and that he will be constantly asked for money and guilt-tripped and reminded of prior "gifts" that really weren't gifts at all, then it makes sense he and his wife just wouldn't want to deal with the stress. |
Anonymous
| It's A, B, C (not because they can't afford it but because it's an annoying way for your parents to behave), and D (but it's not that your parents are old, it's that your parents need money). And E) They don't want to deal with the drama that clearly plagues your entire family. |
Anonymous
| I very much doubt you got the full story from your parents. Something happened and you were given your mom’s version of it. Your mother has engaged in some magical thinking. There was likely a pattern of such gaslighting behavior over the years and this was the last straw. |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like they didn't want to ruin the vacation so they were polite, but then they decided to disentangle finances and get away from this chronic enmeshment.
If you grew up this way you might think it's normal, but it isn't. And ask yourself how much money was wasted on fees for this short-lived "mortgage". I'm sure your brother and SIL would have a lot more to add to the story. You've heard one side. Remember that. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you could open along the lines of "I miss you And would like to have a relationship with you. If I've done somthing wrong, I'd like to talk about it. Can we meet up?" He probably perceives you as taking sides. That check was them washing their hands of your parents. |
Anonymous
+1 It also sounds like your parents are trying to use money and assets to control your brother’s behavior. I onced asked my dad for a loan (to buy an expensive bike in college), he told me family doesn’t lend money to each other and whipped out a checkbook. I was so embarrassed! I felt like a little kid asking daddy for a new bike, except I was a 20 year old adult. I’m sure he would have been happy giving me the money, but he raised me to stand on my own two feet once I got to college, so it felt weird and backwards for me. I didn’t accept and worked extra hard at my summer job to buy my bike. |
Anonymous
I’d guess this. Also you have to respect that adult relationships are predicated on both parties wanting a relationship! They don’t want one. There is nothing you can do but move on. They don’t owe you an explanation. They don’t owe you future financial support. They don’t owe you support. |
Anonymous
| None of us can provide answers about this situation when even you don’t have the answers. I wish we could, but I suspect there’s more going on here than just the reverse mortgage situation. |
Anonymous
|
If he gave you a reason, you wouldn't accept it. You would argue back at him or try to justify or minimize what happened. And that, in itself, is also a reason he doesn't want contact with you.
There won't be peace because your parents don't *want* peace. They want control and they use money to get it. |
Anonymous
| Use paragraph breaks for FS. |