Is it too late for me to ever feel taken care of?

[Anonymous]

I am mid-40s and had a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. My parents also come from dysfunctional, abusive homes and they are what therapists call emotionally immature. I have forgiven them for my childhood. It was what it was.

The upshot is that no one really took care of me when I was young. I had to figure stuff out for myself and look after myself. I got so good at it that as an adult, I was suspicious of people who were very caring and kind. I married a good man but he iss stoic an unemotive. He is a good partner but is not tender and does not caretake with me or the kids. I am the caretaker in my family and I think I'm pretty good at it-- I just give my kids the stuff I know I missed out on and it seems to work well.

I've also been in therapy fory childhood and I have found ways to care for myself and extend kindness to myself. They call it reparenting. I do think it's important and I do that, though it is different than being cared for by someone else.

But as I approach 50, I find myself thinking about how I've never really felt taken care of, and how this still impacts me. I think it would be good for me to feel cared for in this way, even if only for a time.

Is there a way to feel truly cared for, at my age? Is think I'm going to get a lot of suggestions to go to a spa but I've done that and it's not the same. I am looking for a kind of emotional support, not physical care.

Is this a lost cause? Do I just need to let it go?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a close group of friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a close group of friends?

I have some close friends, yes. I can talk to them about serious things and they are there for me if I ask. But I think I self-selected for the people in my life to be kind of self-contained and not the sort to overtly care for friends. Again, because earlier in adulthood I found that behavior so foreign I didn't trust it. I assumed if someone was very caring towards me, it was a lie. I now understand it's not that. I do have one friend who was like that towards me early in our friendship but learned not to be that way because it made me edgy and she respected my boundaries (a great friend!).

But I'm in a different place now and wish I had this experience but it's like a prior version of me arranged my life to ensure no one else takes care of me. I don't know how to undo that.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, when you are this sort of person, you tend to not seek out people who are caretakers...you have to learn to accept help and care--easier said than done. Hard to know who this could be at this point--the dynamic with your children is probably set for now--they likely won't shift to a caretaking role until you are much older. Your husband seems like a lost cause. And you already have dynamics with old friends. Making friends with new people who will start taking care of you at 50 seems like a remote possibility--people tend to do this for people they have known and not new friends.

Best options are probably to (1) lean into old friendships and see if those might shift a little and (2) consider trying to evolve your relationships with your kids as they get older to be two-way streets. Those might have some room for movement.

[Anonymous]

If your therapy for childhood was in the past, maybe look into finding a good therapist for emotional support in your current life.

As you probably know, fit is very important. My therapist helped me with a variety of issues on a weekly basis for a few years, and I am now seeing her every other week. I would continue to be high-functioning and very self-aware without seeing her, but she makes me feel “seen” and provides emotional support that friends and family can’t/won’t provide.

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

As$hole. No.

How old are your children? It is not unfitting for one or more of them to take this nurturing role toward you as they enter adulthood. It might be something to talk about with your husband and them at the appropriate age.

I've had extended family who doted on and cared for their very appreciative mothers and it is a beautiful thing to see.

[Anonymous]

I think it might be useful to think of concrete things that ppl can do to make you feel cared for. That way it would be easier to communicate your needs, such as telling your DH: when you do x I feel loved/seen/cared for.

DH is not the most romantic, but he will do little things like scraping my car's windows on cold winter mornings when he heads out first. I always make a point of thanking him for that and telling him it's thoughtful. It creates a positive feedback loop and he does it more. I'm not asking for grand gestures, but something practical that he knows will please me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the kind responses.

I was recently in therapy again, kind of with this in mind. But as you say, fit is important. I liked my therapist, but it hasn't felt like the best fit and I'm taking a break from it. I'm not sure whether to go back to her or try to find someone else. It's nice to have a set time to talk to someone about what is going on with me periodically, but I did not feel like this particular person was the right person to talk to. I don't know.

I am very wary of trying to turn any of my kids into caregivers. I do feel like we have great relationships and they definitely care about me as a person. But due to my background, I never want my kids to feel like it is their job to make me feel good or take care of me. They often DO make me feel good just by being their delightful selves, but both my parents at various points tried to make me their emotional support when I was a child. Even as an adult, my parents used to come to me as though I was their parent, to listen to their problems and offer them guidance and support, until I finally set better boundaries with them.

With my kids I insist on mutual respect and I do talk about our family taking care of each other. But I do not want them to feel like they need to take care of me in the way I'm talking about. Especially when they are still children. I feel strongly about that.

Not sure where that leaves me. I suppose, yes, I could work on my friendships some and maybe even work more on it with my DH. As I said, he's a good man, but emotionally he's not very available and I just don't know that he has the capacity for what I'm looking for.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom was like you, the caregiver of the whole family and very self-reliant. She took care of everyone her whole entire life. As I got older, I wanted to do things for her, but she'd always dismiss my effort or refuse to let me. Things as simple as wanting her to have the best part of the fish or saving the best fruit for her, she would never let me because only her kids should have the best and it's FRUSTRATING. I remember choking back tears many times because she would not let me show her the same kindness that she'd always given me. Only near the end of her life did she let me take care of her when she got sick and was physically frail.

When the pp mentioned seeing children doting on their mothers, I don't think they meant minor children. Once your kids are old enough (teens and above), let them have the pleasure of showing you care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom was like you, the caregiver of the whole family and very self-reliant. She took care of everyone her whole entire life. As I got older, I wanted to do things for her, but she'd always dismiss my effort or refuse to let me. Things as simple as wanting her to have the best part of the fish or saving the best fruit for her, she would never let me because only her kids should have the best and it's FRUSTRATING. I remember choking back tears many times because she would not let me show her the same kindness that she'd always given me. Only near the end of her life did she let me take care of her when she got sick and was physically frail.

When the pp mentioned seeing children doting on their mothers, I don't think they meant minor children. Once your kids are old enough (teens and above), let them have the pleasure of showing you care.

OP here and I see what you are saying. Thank you for sharing this story. I don't want to push my children away if they want to care for me. I am still mostly thinking of just not wanting to burden them with this kind of care without giving them a choice, as I experienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

Wut.

lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, when you are this sort of person, you tend to not seek out people who are caretakers...you have to learn to accept help and care--easier said than done. Hard to know who this could be at this point--the dynamic with your children is probably set for now--they likely won't shift to a caretaking role until you are much older. Your husband seems like a lost cause. And you already have dynamics with old friends. Making friends with new people who will start taking care of you at 50 seems like a remote possibility--people tend to do this for people they have known and not new friends.

Best options are probably to (1) lean into old friendships and see if those might shift a little and (2) consider trying to evolve your relationships with your kids as they get older to be two-way streets. Those might have some room for movement.

Not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

As$hole. No.

How old are your children? It is not unfitting for one or more of them to take this nurturing role toward you as they enter adulthood. It might be something to talk about with your husband and them at the appropriate age.

I've had extended family who doted on and cared for their very appreciative mothers and it is a beautiful thing to see.

NO! You do not dump your crap on your children. They deserve to live their lives and not carry your guilt around, as evidence just read some of the disasters that are adults on these boards. Most of them work very hard to shield their children from childhood memories that aren't pleasant and they CHOOSE to move forward in a positive light for their own mental health. Op is tuck in self pity mode and has clearly chosen to be this way for her entire adult life. Poor pitiful me, no one pays enough attention to me. I think it's great Op had therapy but if this is where you are at age 40 or 50, find a new therapist. Op's husband clearly walks on eggshells which is why he chooses not to be too emotional around OP but he did marry her so there's love in that marriage. Op needs to choose better with how she sees herself and stop asking others to fix her.

[Anonymous]

tuck s/b stuck