Cannot do COVID anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

[Anonymous]

CALL WHITE HOUSE NANNIES. Get a live in nanny until this is over. Your husband can spend the time he gets back looking for jobs full time. YOU get a break on the weekends. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, you need some alone time every day. can you get off at 5 or 5:30? Here’s our evening schedule:

4:45 SAH spouse and kids clean the living room.
5:00 WAH spouse comes downstairs. Older child goes potty. Both parents help kids with shoes and coats.
5:10 One parent starts cooking. ( glass of wine optional.) Other parent takes both kids for a bike ride or to play in the back yard. Chef inside gets to listen to the news, while cooking.
5:45 Dinner
6:30 One year old goes upstairs for bath. Older child gets special time with a parent. Older child cleans up play area for the last time, if applicable.
7:00 Older child goes upstairs for bath and bed.
Parent who is more stressed that day gets easier child.

Start formula to make this schedule more flxible.

After bedtime, DH cleans kitchen while watching TV. You continue to work.

Once you are both done, relax together.

s was me. I was out grocery shopping when I realized you said 60 BILLABLE hours, not 60 hours. ( My DH’s schedule). I want to apologize. This post was probably wildly unhelpful. So sorry. I’ve been thinking about you all day.

She can work 5am-5pm 7 days a week, and also work after kids are asleep. It’s totally reasonable.

You mean possible. It’s definitely possible. Just not reasonable.

She has to bill 2100 hrs; I assume she wants to see her kids. This is what all the BigLaw DHs do in our neighborhood. Clearly if she can work less hours, take weekend off. But dinner at time with family at 5? What is wrong with that?

Assuming these lawyers have stay at home spouses, do they never get a break from watching the kids, even on the weekend? That's insane for everyone involved.

DH is probably also at the end of his rope.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m a SAHM of 4 with corporate lawyer DH.
This setup is ridiculous. You’re postpartum too!
If you don’t want a nanny or house cleaner, then DH takes baby to grocery store (or gets groceries delivered). And he takes baby to doctor‘s appointments. I’ve never left the baby with my DH for a doctor’s appointment. Sure you get looks, but they make you wait less.
If you have a mental breakdown, it’ll be just as bad health wise as getting COVID. Time to balance the risks here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

Woah woah woah. He quit to spend time with the baby yet he’s not stepping up to be the primary caretaker? That makes no sense. He needs a job or at least to be primary caretaker 4 days a week with a mothers helper the other day. I feel for you but you need to engage in some self help here rather than hand wringing about the pandemic. The pandemic sucks but you need some help around the house or to move to a gov job, which you should probably look into anyway. I’m not sure your husband will give you the support you need to make partner and Even so you sound miserable. Is it worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

Woah woah woah. He quit to spend time with the baby yet he’s not stepping up to be the primary caretaker? That makes no sense. He needs a job or at least to be primary caretaker 4 days a week with a mothers helper the other day. I feel for you but you need to engage in some self help here rather than hand wringing about the pandemic. The pandemic sucks but you need some help around the house or to move to a gov job, which you should probably look into anyway. I’m not sure your husband will give you the support you need to make partner and Even so you sound miserable. Is it worth it?

+1. Your DH is the problem here. He sounds really selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Joining late but sending you a huge hug

[Anonymous]

Hugs! I can sense your desperation. But, have you honestly told husband how you feel and what you are dealing with. Your feelings are real and they do matter. Advocate and then get help. Make a list of the things that will lighten your load and how much they cost and use them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you think you will stop nursing? I made it to a year with my kid and the amount of time and sanity that I regained when I stopped was amazing, I didn't even realize until a couple months after I stopped and my hormones settled how crazy making it was to be the only person that could feed the baby. You have an older kid, so you've been through this once before at least, so think about how that might be making all of this more intense for you--you are the only one earning money and the only one feeding one of the kids. That's a lot of mental weight.

Also, is it an option to have the baby go to the same childcare as the older kid?

I'm so sorry things are really tough right now, truly.

My first thought was wean. It is exhausting to breastfeed while working such long days. Your baby will be fine, and it will help you get more rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m a SAHM of 4 with corporate lawyer DH.
This setup is ridiculous. You’re postpartum too!
If you don’t want a nanny or house cleaner, then DH takes baby to grocery store (or gets groceries delivered). And he takes baby to doctor‘s appointments. I’ve never left the baby with my DH for a doctor’s appointment. Sure you get looks, but they make you wait less.
If you have a mental breakdown, it’ll be just as bad health wise as getting COVID. Time to balance the risks here.

You get looks if DH takes baby to the doctor? What? This couldn’t be farther from the truth. We both went to a lot of the early ones and the other people at the doctors office treated him like some kind of saint. Actual quote “wow I wish my husband would come to these.” He also took baby to several appointments without me with similar treatment. People don’t think it’s weird they think it’s wonderful.

I agree ops dh needs to step up. Why quit your job to help and then....not help?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry op. It sounds very hard. The crying to yourself al the time part sounds as if you are having some depression. You should see someone about it and maybe consider meds for now, and later therapy when there is time.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure I could ever get over my husband letting me down in this way. For better or for worse. He needs to man up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m a SAHM of 4 with corporate lawyer DH.
This setup is ridiculous. You’re postpartum too!
If you don’t want a nanny or house cleaner, then DH takes baby to grocery store (or gets groceries delivered). And he takes baby to doctor‘s appointments. I’ve never left the baby with my DH for a doctor’s appointment. Sure you get looks, but they make you wait less.
If you have a mental breakdown, it’ll be just as bad health wise as getting COVID. Time to balance the risks here.

Post Partum is defined as the 6 weeks after birth. OP's baby is 9 months. She is 7.5 months past being post partum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m a SAHM of 4 with corporate lawyer DH.
This setup is ridiculous. You’re postpartum too!
If you don’t want a nanny or house cleaner, then DH takes baby to grocery store (or gets groceries delivered). And he takes baby to doctor‘s appointments. I’ve never left the baby with my DH for a doctor’s appointment. Sure you get looks, but they make you wait less.
If you have a mental breakdown, it’ll be just as bad health wise as getting COVID. Time to balance the risks here.

You get looks if DH takes baby to the doctor? What? This couldn’t be farther from the truth. We both went to a lot of the early ones and the other people at the doctors office treated him like some kind of saint. Actual quote “wow I wish my husband would come to these.” He also took baby to several appointments without me with similar treatment. People don’t think it’s weird they think it’s wonderful.

I agree ops dh needs to step up. Why quit your job to help and then....not help?

I think PP meant that DH should take the baby along to his own doctor appointments, not the baby’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your husband quit his job?

Yeah OP did bury the lede there. What man who is not retirement age quits without another job lined up??

I'm not the OP, but I also questioned OP about this earlier in the thread.

I'm going to guess it's because he was about to be fired, but they (his employer) allowed him to "quit" to save face. Based on how OP has described him, would YOU want this man working for you?

Wow, that's unkind. I'm the OP - it is because his employer didn't offer parental leave for men and he wanted to take time off with our baby. That, combined with other things that weren't working for him at his job and our ability to (pre-COVID) get by on my one salary. Women do this all the time, why does it make my husband a slacker about to get fired? Geez.

DP. It's not unkind. Your husband is a slacker.
My DH works 40 hours a week, and I am mostly home (pick up contracts here and there) and he gets much more support from me than you get from your husband.

You should have 10 uninterrupted work hours atleast 5 days a week( say 8am -6:00 pm, then back to work around 8pm -11:00 while kids are sleeping) - you can move the days around to accomodate his appointments. That's 13 hours, 5 days a week.
You can fit any remaining hours into 2 "lighter days" a week. You can schedule daytime blocks of time with the kids on your light days so DH takes a break.

You can spend an hour with the kids in the morning on those heavy days (say 7:00am-8:00am). He should be able to make breakfast, lunch, dinner on your 5 heavy days while he has the kids. You should join for dinner and help with clean up/putting kids to bed/play with kids at night. That's it for your contribution on those 5 uninterruped days.

You could outsource housecleaning and laundry every single week. Other than that, your DH sucks.



It's